Hi all! I know it has been forever since I have written this blog and I apologize to those who looked forward to reading it. I'll be honest. I have had mixed feelings continuing this blog. I thought being honest would be so wing that would set me free. Instead, I receive negative comments for the most part and I honestly didn't know how to respond to them. Let me back up to where I left off.
Yes is my bipolar real? Absolutely. Is it under control? Not so much. For those of you who don't know, I suffer from bipolar II. It means I don't go manically happy (sometimes I pray for), instead I am either even keeled or suicidal. Again, something I can't control. So for those of you angry at me for turning to recreational drug use, I understand. But for those of you who have felt suicidal, I would hope you show some empathy. In the beginning, it made my life manageable. It wasn't until, no longer was I having a normal life, now, it was so I wasn't so sick I couldn't get out of bed. It wasted my money, my family relations, and so much more. It was at that time,in checked into a rehab for dual diagnosis.
For ONCE! I found people who were EXACTLY like me. People with problems embedded so deep that alcohol or drugs were the only way out. I never cried so much. In fact, I had a wonderful counselor just like me who took me under my wing. I left 30 days later, and thought that I had conquered this. I wouldn't relapse. That's for everyone else. Needless to say, about 2 weeks after leaving rehab I got violently sick, so sick they admitted me to the hospital. And what did they give me for pain? morphine. I should have said no. Even though I told them I had a problem with opiates, the thought of having it by a "doctor" seemed okay. Yup. Alllllll that work, alllllll that instruction....all those 12 step meetings went out the window. I swore to myself, when I got out, I wouldn't touch that shit again. And I was wrong. Not only that but I turned to my "I never s". I'm not going to go into details and again there is nothing I can do to change the past.
I titled this "in limbo" because that's where I stand now. I don't want to hurt my family. I don't want to let my friends down, but again the depression has hit me hard again, and there is only one thing that I want, just because I know it would pick me up and yes, I know it's wrong. So I am literally fighting an internal fight with myself. For those of you who have not been there, I know it's hard to understand. I am tired of medications, I am tired of the isolation, I fact someways I just want to throw my phone out the window.
I know God has a plan for me, I am not quite sure what it is, but I feel like all this suffering is too much to bare. I wouldn't do anything stupid, but again in limbo, feeling like I am saying the pros and cons of what to do with my life. I ask you not to judge me please but yet hear what I have to say and see if you have ever been in my shoes.
I will try to write more, although I will not make promises. I just want to apologize to all my friends and family that I have hurt, and wish you nothing but happiness and love,
Till next time,
Katie Quinn
Monday, May 20, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Pink Cloud turning Blue...
Good Afternoon!
First and foremost, I want to thank all of my followers checking in with me each day. I appreciate all the support I continue to receive. I know while I was in rehab, I was going to try to keep this blog up and running. After 30 days in treatment, I realized the life I once thought I had, became something completely different. When I became addicted to Percocet, I realized that the Percocet wasn't the problem, the problem were the underlying reasons. I've realized, the 2 issues I need to work on the most are 1. Codependency and 2. Instant Gratification.
My codependency issues are probably the worst. I tend to latch on to people and then am heartbroken if I lose them. Being in treatment and having people walk in and out of my life was really hard. I'm still struggling with losing people one of which is my father in the mix. I no longer have a relationship with my father but I am okay with that. You see, I have learned that all you need to do is be happy with yourself and not based on what other people think of you. Leaving treatment has unfortunately put me in severe depression. Although, I am excited, I am clean, I have isolated myself from many of my sober friends because of the embarrassment I have. It's a struggle for me to make plans with old friends because I am constantly wondering what they are thinking about me. Like, "Oh, she's just a junkie" and that is not what defines me as a person. I was stupid and used drugs, to "fix" my depression. Now I am depressed and dealing with it without self medicating. Something that is not easy. My pink cloud of happiness of being clean is now a blue cloud of dealing with life's problems head on.
In recovery we learn we should not be in a relationship the 1st year your clean so you can focus on yourself and recovery. I'm lucky that I have many friends I met in rehab that are just like me and I can call them at anytime if I am sad or upset. I just need to learn to be happy with myself again. It's so frustrating because right now I can't forgive myself and I don't expect others to forgive myself especially considering I am struggling. I can only pray I time thigs will get easier.
The other issue I need to work on is instant gratification. I desperately depend on instant satisfaction. For instance, if I have a headache, I don't want to wait for the Advil or Tylenol to kick in, I just want to feel good right at that moment. It's the root of many of my problems. Starting to deal with life again is extremely frustrating especially since I just found out that the unemployment I was receiving is now getting cut off :(. I'm appealing it but I don't know if that will work.
Anyways, those are the issues I am dealing with. I really want my life to change for the good and I am happy that I have a great support system with the people I was in treatment with. Thank God for the NA program. I will try to update this more often. I love you all very much and thank you for your support.
Love,
Katie
First and foremost, I want to thank all of my followers checking in with me each day. I appreciate all the support I continue to receive. I know while I was in rehab, I was going to try to keep this blog up and running. After 30 days in treatment, I realized the life I once thought I had, became something completely different. When I became addicted to Percocet, I realized that the Percocet wasn't the problem, the problem were the underlying reasons. I've realized, the 2 issues I need to work on the most are 1. Codependency and 2. Instant Gratification.
My codependency issues are probably the worst. I tend to latch on to people and then am heartbroken if I lose them. Being in treatment and having people walk in and out of my life was really hard. I'm still struggling with losing people one of which is my father in the mix. I no longer have a relationship with my father but I am okay with that. You see, I have learned that all you need to do is be happy with yourself and not based on what other people think of you. Leaving treatment has unfortunately put me in severe depression. Although, I am excited, I am clean, I have isolated myself from many of my sober friends because of the embarrassment I have. It's a struggle for me to make plans with old friends because I am constantly wondering what they are thinking about me. Like, "Oh, she's just a junkie" and that is not what defines me as a person. I was stupid and used drugs, to "fix" my depression. Now I am depressed and dealing with it without self medicating. Something that is not easy. My pink cloud of happiness of being clean is now a blue cloud of dealing with life's problems head on.
In recovery we learn we should not be in a relationship the 1st year your clean so you can focus on yourself and recovery. I'm lucky that I have many friends I met in rehab that are just like me and I can call them at anytime if I am sad or upset. I just need to learn to be happy with myself again. It's so frustrating because right now I can't forgive myself and I don't expect others to forgive myself especially considering I am struggling. I can only pray I time thigs will get easier.
The other issue I need to work on is instant gratification. I desperately depend on instant satisfaction. For instance, if I have a headache, I don't want to wait for the Advil or Tylenol to kick in, I just want to feel good right at that moment. It's the root of many of my problems. Starting to deal with life again is extremely frustrating especially since I just found out that the unemployment I was receiving is now getting cut off :(. I'm appealing it but I don't know if that will work.
Anyways, those are the issues I am dealing with. I really want my life to change for the good and I am happy that I have a great support system with the people I was in treatment with. Thank God for the NA program. I will try to update this more often. I love you all very much and thank you for your support.
Love,
Katie
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Disease with no cure....
Good Morning!
I hope you all are doing well. I am getting better day by day. Having the disease of addiction is rough. There is no pill you can take to cure it, or even stop the thoughts of wanting to use. You see the thing your addicted to are not the problem. It's the underlying reasons that are. What scares me is that, while I was in treatment, I felt safe. I didn't have any ought a of using. I was surrounded by people who wanted together clean. But then I left treatment, and now it's time to face life head on.
Some of the things I have learned since leaving treatment, it to follow the steps and foot meetings. The 12 step program is something I feel EVERYONE should follow. It is written in such a way, that if you have any problems you are struggling with, you can apply the 12 steps to your life. I suggest you google the steps and see for yourself.
There are many things you can do for your recovery to stay clean or help you with a problem you need to deal with. My first suggestion is to surround yourself with supportive, in my case, sober, and positive people. I am tired of apologizing for things I don't feel need an apology. You either have people who care about you or you don't. Again, I quote a counselor that I care about, "Bless them, Change me".
Another thing I am working on is structure and scheduling. I find it easier to live a happy life by keeping to a schedule. For instance, I refuse to sleep any later than having 8 hours of sleep and I try to be in bed by 11 at night. Also it's important to eat 3 full meals a day. I am struggling with this one. But I felt better after having a schedule of eating good food each day. It's also important to pray. Pray all day. If you aren't a religious person, that's fine. Just know ere is a power greater than yourself, that you can speak to to work on your problems.
Last of all, realize you are going to make mistakes know your not a saint. It's okay to fall down, it's getting back up that's the miracle. I have fallen many times, but with a positive attitude, you can do anything.
Well that's all I have for now. I wish everyone a happy day and thank you all for the support.
Sincerely,
Katie Quinn
I hope you all are doing well. I am getting better day by day. Having the disease of addiction is rough. There is no pill you can take to cure it, or even stop the thoughts of wanting to use. You see the thing your addicted to are not the problem. It's the underlying reasons that are. What scares me is that, while I was in treatment, I felt safe. I didn't have any ought a of using. I was surrounded by people who wanted together clean. But then I left treatment, and now it's time to face life head on.
Some of the things I have learned since leaving treatment, it to follow the steps and foot meetings. The 12 step program is something I feel EVERYONE should follow. It is written in such a way, that if you have any problems you are struggling with, you can apply the 12 steps to your life. I suggest you google the steps and see for yourself.
There are many things you can do for your recovery to stay clean or help you with a problem you need to deal with. My first suggestion is to surround yourself with supportive, in my case, sober, and positive people. I am tired of apologizing for things I don't feel need an apology. You either have people who care about you or you don't. Again, I quote a counselor that I care about, "Bless them, Change me".
Another thing I am working on is structure and scheduling. I find it easier to live a happy life by keeping to a schedule. For instance, I refuse to sleep any later than having 8 hours of sleep and I try to be in bed by 11 at night. Also it's important to eat 3 full meals a day. I am struggling with this one. But I felt better after having a schedule of eating good food each day. It's also important to pray. Pray all day. If you aren't a religious person, that's fine. Just know ere is a power greater than yourself, that you can speak to to work on your problems.
Last of all, realize you are going to make mistakes know your not a saint. It's okay to fall down, it's getting back up that's the miracle. I have fallen many times, but with a positive attitude, you can do anything.
Well that's all I have for now. I wish everyone a happy day and thank you all for the support.
Sincerely,
Katie Quinn
Sunday, April 7, 2013
The hardest thing you need to learn is how to forgive yourself ...
Good Morning,
Last night I was reading my blog and almost regretted admitting to my Percocet problem. I went to a speaker jam last night where they had NA and AA speakers. It was the first time going back to Malvern and to be sitting there as an alumni. Again, the place was packed and I was in AWE of the amount of young people sitting in those chairs. I am sure there were just as many when I was there, I just didn't notice it.
I am not proud of what happened to me. Dealing with depression became too difficult for me and I needed someone to ease the pain. Basically, I was stupid. However, that being said, being treatment taught me a new way of life. You see, the Percocet was not my problem. The problem was the underlying reasons, of why I felt I needed it.
I am not cured. There is no cure for addiction. I am in recovery. I am learning everyday to be patient, kind, non-judgemental, and to be humble. I am grateful for all I have in my life. The one thing I need to work on is forgiving myself. It still eats me up everyday. I have isolated myself from my old friends, petrified to see them. I am annoyed at what people are saying about me behind my back. I am struggling to get the trust back from my family. But I know it will come. I have a HUGE support system through the people who went through treatment with me. I'm litterally talking about 40 ppl that I am in touch with on a daily basis.
Soon things will get better. I am still depressed but I am learning how to deal with it day by day. I pray. I say my affirmations, I'm trying my best. I had an awesome counselor who taught me this saying of which I will have tattooed on my wrist soon enough: "Bless Them, Change Me". I say this 1,000,000,000 times a day.
Thank you for your continuous support. You all are so special to me and I thank you for not judging me and standing behind me.
Thank you.
Katie Q
Last night I was reading my blog and almost regretted admitting to my Percocet problem. I went to a speaker jam last night where they had NA and AA speakers. It was the first time going back to Malvern and to be sitting there as an alumni. Again, the place was packed and I was in AWE of the amount of young people sitting in those chairs. I am sure there were just as many when I was there, I just didn't notice it.
I am not proud of what happened to me. Dealing with depression became too difficult for me and I needed someone to ease the pain. Basically, I was stupid. However, that being said, being treatment taught me a new way of life. You see, the Percocet was not my problem. The problem was the underlying reasons, of why I felt I needed it.
I am not cured. There is no cure for addiction. I am in recovery. I am learning everyday to be patient, kind, non-judgemental, and to be humble. I am grateful for all I have in my life. The one thing I need to work on is forgiving myself. It still eats me up everyday. I have isolated myself from my old friends, petrified to see them. I am annoyed at what people are saying about me behind my back. I am struggling to get the trust back from my family. But I know it will come. I have a HUGE support system through the people who went through treatment with me. I'm litterally talking about 40 ppl that I am in touch with on a daily basis.
Soon things will get better. I am still depressed but I am learning how to deal with it day by day. I pray. I say my affirmations, I'm trying my best. I had an awesome counselor who taught me this saying of which I will have tattooed on my wrist soon enough: "Bless Them, Change Me". I say this 1,000,000,000 times a day.
Thank you for your continuous support. You all are so special to me and I thank you for not judging me and standing behind me.
Thank you.
Katie Q
Friday, April 5, 2013
Back with Faith and Hope...
Hi all! I know That it has been forever since I have updated this blog and I apologize for that. As you know I went into rehab back in February. The honest truth is I became addicted to percocets and it was time to get help. For those of you who wrote to me. Unfortunately, I must have had the wrong address because I didn't get them but feel free to send them to me now.
When I first went to rehab, I thought "damn, I don't belong here. Everyone here are junkies and I'm not them". Needless to say, I quickly learned, I am them. I may not have had legal issues or court ordered to be in rehab, but what I learned is that addiction isn't the problem, it's dealing with your past and present issues are the problem. I was lucky enough to have group therapy as well as 1-1. I Learned so much about myself and let me tell you, the people who were in treatment, looked just like you and I. Getting to know all these great people have kept me sober. The people who you think.ie, and can't be trusted are the people I now trust my life with. They are amazing. My support system is growing every day.
In rehab we work the 12 steps. I truly believe addiction or not, EVERY person should practice the 12 step program. Right now, I am at step three. It could take months or even years to get to the12th step and I am okay with that. Everyday,I say from a great counselor I had, " another day clean and sober, I am blessed". I want to share the first 3 steps I am working on, and I feel we all can relate this to our daily lives.
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless (fill in the blank of your problems in life) and that our lives have become in manageable. This is a hard step to understand. Think of a problem that you have a hard time fixing. Instead of having massive anxiety, notice that you are powerless about it and to let it go. I.E. Divorce. If your husband or wife files for divorce, the other partner should not blame the selves, but realize it is a situation that they are powerless over. It doesn't make you a bad person.
Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
How many of us live in a state of insanity. I am pretty sure most of you will agree at least one part of your life is insane. This step is that we believe there is so etching greater than ourselves out there. You do not have to be religious for this. In recovery we call this "Higher Power". Your higher power is someone or something you can look to to keep you from making bad decisions. It could be your God or it could be nature, an animal, Anything that will keep you from making a bad decision.
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God " as we understood him".
Again people mistake this for a religious God. Your higher power may be God but it is noted in text as God as we understand him to be, aka your higher power. Again, these steps are to keep your life from being insane and how to handle making life easier.
These steps are in order for a reason. It takes time to really understand the steps and where you are at with your problems. Most important is t you do not have to do this alone. It's really important to have a great support system. People you can call to let out frustrations.
I am excited to be back and I hope this helps. Any feedback would be great. Thank you for your continued support. Please Text me with any questions. Love you (215-272-7609)
When I first went to rehab, I thought "damn, I don't belong here. Everyone here are junkies and I'm not them". Needless to say, I quickly learned, I am them. I may not have had legal issues or court ordered to be in rehab, but what I learned is that addiction isn't the problem, it's dealing with your past and present issues are the problem. I was lucky enough to have group therapy as well as 1-1. I Learned so much about myself and let me tell you, the people who were in treatment, looked just like you and I. Getting to know all these great people have kept me sober. The people who you think.ie, and can't be trusted are the people I now trust my life with. They are amazing. My support system is growing every day.
In rehab we work the 12 steps. I truly believe addiction or not, EVERY person should practice the 12 step program. Right now, I am at step three. It could take months or even years to get to the12th step and I am okay with that. Everyday,I say from a great counselor I had, " another day clean and sober, I am blessed". I want to share the first 3 steps I am working on, and I feel we all can relate this to our daily lives.
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless (fill in the blank of your problems in life) and that our lives have become in manageable. This is a hard step to understand. Think of a problem that you have a hard time fixing. Instead of having massive anxiety, notice that you are powerless about it and to let it go. I.E. Divorce. If your husband or wife files for divorce, the other partner should not blame the selves, but realize it is a situation that they are powerless over. It doesn't make you a bad person.
Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
How many of us live in a state of insanity. I am pretty sure most of you will agree at least one part of your life is insane. This step is that we believe there is so etching greater than ourselves out there. You do not have to be religious for this. In recovery we call this "Higher Power". Your higher power is someone or something you can look to to keep you from making bad decisions. It could be your God or it could be nature, an animal, Anything that will keep you from making a bad decision.
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God " as we understood him".
Again people mistake this for a religious God. Your higher power may be God but it is noted in text as God as we understand him to be, aka your higher power. Again, these steps are to keep your life from being insane and how to handle making life easier.
These steps are in order for a reason. It takes time to really understand the steps and where you are at with your problems. Most important is t you do not have to do this alone. It's really important to have a great support system. People you can call to let out frustrations.
I am excited to be back and I hope this helps. Any feedback would be great. Thank you for your continued support. Please Text me with any questions. Love you (215-272-7609)
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Valentine's Day and other misadventures...
I haven't heard from Katie just yet but it's early days. I really hope she's catching up on some sleep. I've started answering my phone though, just in case she tries to call. I should probably elaborate... I'm agoraphobic, which means I'm afraid to leave the house or talk to other humans, even by phone - you know, just the basics lol. Inspired by Katie's courageous move to check in for treatment however, I've begun answering the telephone! Sure I get nervous and lose my voice, but I'm doing it anyway. Very proud of myself.
Katie asked me to encourage everyone to write to her while she's in for treatment. I can tell you for sure that there's nothing much to do in those places between sessions with your doctor, except eat, sleep, and read. A nice newsy, encouraging letter would no doubt be a godsend for Katie.
Address:
Katie Quinn
940 West King Rd,
Malvern, PA 19355
Meanwhile, please do leave comments for Katie and I will faithfully pass them along. As you know Katie doesn't have internet access while she's away so all letters, comments, and messages will be gratefully received by Katie.
As for me...
I'm sad to say that Bipolar disorder caused the final breakdown of my marriage today. The beginning of the end was Valentine's day when I realised how much my husband was beginning to resent me. My poor husband (who incidentally has his own issues) has put up with me for just as long as possible and now finally he's had enough. I am 33yrs old and, as of Wednesday, living back at home with my parents. Originally our plan was to live separately until we could both get back on track, but as of this morning he's decided he can't handle it and is sick of all of the drama.
Fair enough really.
This got me thinking... Can a person with Bipolar disorder ever really enjoy a lasting, happy relationship? I've never actually heard of it happening. My uncle is still with his Bipolar wife after almost thirty years, but he looks about twenty years older than he really is. My aunt's illness has completely sapped him. Everything he used to be is gone - he doesn't seem to have a sense of humor anymore, he's stick thin, and has no life in his eyes. The poor guy!
So, can we enjoy fulfilling, lasting romantic relationships? Please join in the discussion by leaving a comment below. I really would love to know your thoughts on this.
Stay tuned, and wish me luck! :-)
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Leaving to be therenat 4:00
Well I am sad to say, they may not have a bed for me tomorrow but absolutely Monday. It's disheartening because I want the healing process begin as soon as possible. They said to call in the morning or they will call me later tonight. I will call first thing tomorrow morning, and they will tell me what's up. In the meantime, I am going to pack. I don't give a shit what I look like so I am only packing sweats. Period. Maybe I'll pack a pair of jeans...maybe.
I am allowed to have visitors for an hour once a week, but I am going to try with no visitors, I also have a phone card I can use, and if you would like me to call and check in, let me know. I am packing stationary myself to write to people. I really hope people write to me. I am going to put the information on the bottom of this. The more support, I support I have from people the better my recovery will go.
A I scared YES, am I nervous, YES, am I everything that anxiety as to offer, YES. I don't want to leave my bed. It sounds silly. I'm not allowed to bring any bedding whatsoever, not even my Eagles Pillow. So sad.
I got a MSG from an old friend that I am not friends with on Facebook or talk to and she sent me well wishes. I don't know how she found out unless she read my blogs.
One thing I want to point out that people have been asking me, is that this clinic is mostly for detox and drug addictions, which I have abused, but really the reason I am going is my bipolar, because that's what drives me to substance abuse. I don't know how people are going to react to me going through this, I may lose friends, maybe gain friends, but most of all I am doing this myself. This was my decision, and I am excited to get back and be with my friends.
At the end of this, I will be moving into my fathers place in Reading, PA. Until I get myself back together. Hopefully this will work out and I will be able to see my friends. He lives in the middle of nowhere but has like 5 acres 4 dogs to cuddle with and hopefully I can build a better relationship with him.
Well I am going to wrap this up for now, I have a lot of things to get done before I leave. I will post when I am leaving, and the Vanessa will update you with my blog. She's a wonderful woman, very computer savy and suffers from bipolar I.
Thanks for all your support, you can send letters and such to the address below.
Katie Quinn
940 West King Rd,
Malvern, PA 19355
Thank you everyone! Can't wait to be back in 30 days.
I am allowed to have visitors for an hour once a week, but I am going to try with no visitors, I also have a phone card I can use, and if you would like me to call and check in, let me know. I am packing stationary myself to write to people. I really hope people write to me. I am going to put the information on the bottom of this. The more support, I support I have from people the better my recovery will go.
A I scared YES, am I nervous, YES, am I everything that anxiety as to offer, YES. I don't want to leave my bed. It sounds silly. I'm not allowed to bring any bedding whatsoever, not even my Eagles Pillow. So sad.
I got a MSG from an old friend that I am not friends with on Facebook or talk to and she sent me well wishes. I don't know how she found out unless she read my blogs.
One thing I want to point out that people have been asking me, is that this clinic is mostly for detox and drug addictions, which I have abused, but really the reason I am going is my bipolar, because that's what drives me to substance abuse. I don't know how people are going to react to me going through this, I may lose friends, maybe gain friends, but most of all I am doing this myself. This was my decision, and I am excited to get back and be with my friends.
At the end of this, I will be moving into my fathers place in Reading, PA. Until I get myself back together. Hopefully this will work out and I will be able to see my friends. He lives in the middle of nowhere but has like 5 acres 4 dogs to cuddle with and hopefully I can build a better relationship with him.
Well I am going to wrap this up for now, I have a lot of things to get done before I leave. I will post when I am leaving, and the Vanessa will update you with my blog. She's a wonderful woman, very computer savy and suffers from bipolar I.
Thanks for all your support, you can send letters and such to the address below.
Katie Quinn
940 West King Rd,
Malvern, PA 19355
Thank you everyone! Can't wait to be back in 30 days.
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