In Limbo...

Hi all! I know it has been forever since I have written this blog and I apologize to those who looked forward to reading it. I'll be honest. I have had mixed feelings continuing this blog. I thought being honest would be so wing that would set me free. Instead, I receive negative comments for the most part and I honestly didn't know how to respond to them. Let me back up to where I left off.

Yes is my bipolar real? Absolutely. Is it under control? Not so much. For those of you who don't know, I suffer from bipolar II. It means I don't go manically happy (sometimes I pray for), instead I am either even keeled or suicidal. Again, something I can't control. So for those of you angry at me for turning to recreational drug use, I understand. But for those of you who have felt suicidal, I would hope you show some empathy. In the beginning, it made my life manageable. It wasn't until, no longer was I having a normal life, now, it was so I wasn't so sick I couldn't get out of bed. It wasted my money, my family relations, and so much more. It was at that time,in checked into a rehab for dual diagnosis.

For ONCE! I found people who were EXACTLY like me. People with problems embedded so deep that alcohol or drugs were the only way out. I never cried so much. In fact, I had a wonderful counselor just like me who took me under my wing.  I left 30 days later, and thought that I had conquered this. I wouldn't relapse. That's for everyone else. Needless to say, about 2 weeks after leaving rehab I got violently sick, so sick they admitted me to the hospital. And what did they give me for pain? morphine. I should have said no. Even though I told them I had a problem with opiates, the thought of having it by a "doctor" seemed okay. Yup. Alllllll that work, alllllll that instruction....all those 12 step meetings went out the window. I swore to myself, when I got out, I wouldn't touch that shit again. And I was wrong. Not only that but I turned to my "I never s". I'm not going to go into details and again there is nothing I can do to change the past.

I titled this "in limbo" because that's where I stand now. I don't want to hurt my family. I don't want to let my friends down, but again the depression has hit me hard again, and there is only one thing that I want, just because I know it would pick me up and yes, I know it's wrong. So I am literally fighting an internal fight with myself. For those of you who have not been there, I know it's hard to understand. I am tired of medications, I am tired of the isolation, I fact someways I just want to throw my phone out the window.

I know God has a plan for me, I am not quite sure what it is, but I feel like all this suffering is too much to bare. I wouldn't do anything stupid, but again in limbo, feeling like I am saying the pros and cons of what to do with my life. I ask you not to judge me please but yet hear what I have to say and see if you have ever been in my shoes.

I will try to write more, although I will not make promises. I just want to apologize to all my friends and family that I have hurt, and wish you nothing but happiness and love,

Till next time,
Katie Quinn

Pink Cloud turning Blue...

Good Afternoon!

First and foremost, I want to thank all of my followers checking in with me each day. I appreciate all the support I continue to receive.  I know while I was in rehab, I was going to try to keep this blog up and running. After 30 days in treatment, I realized the life I once thought I had, became something completely different.  When I became addicted to Percocet, I realized that the Percocet wasn't the problem, the problem were the underlying reasons. I've realized, the 2 issues I need to work on the most are 1. Codependency and 2. Instant Gratification.

My codependency issues are probably the worst. I tend to latch on to people and then am heartbroken if I lose them. Being in treatment and having people walk in and out of my life was really hard. I'm still struggling with losing people one of which is my father in the mix. I no longer have a relationship with my father but I am okay with that. You see, I have learned that all you need to do is be happy with yourself and not based on what other people think of you. Leaving treatment has unfortunately put me in severe depression. Although, I am excited, I am clean, I have isolated myself from many of my sober friends because of the embarrassment I have. It's a struggle for me to make plans with old friends because I am constantly wondering what they are thinking about me. Like, "Oh, she's just a junkie" and that is not what defines me as a person. I was stupid and used drugs, to "fix" my depression. Now I am depressed and dealing with it without self medicating. Something that is not easy. My pink cloud of happiness of being clean is now a blue cloud of dealing with life's problems head on.

In recovery we learn we should not be in a relationship the 1st year your clean so you can focus on yourself and recovery. I'm lucky that I have many friends I met in rehab that are just like me and I can call them at anytime if I am sad or upset. I just need to learn to be happy with myself again. It's so frustrating because right now I can't forgive myself and I don't expect others to forgive myself especially considering I am struggling. I can only pray I time thigs will get easier.

The other issue I need to work on is instant gratification. I desperately depend on instant satisfaction. For instance, if I have a headache, I don't want to wait for the Advil or Tylenol to kick in, I just want to feel good right at that moment. It's the root of many of my problems. Starting to deal with life again is extremely frustrating especially since I just found out that the unemployment I was receiving is now getting cut off :(. I'm appealing it but I don't know if that will work.

Anyways, those are the issues I am dealing with. I really want my life to change for the good and I am happy that I have a great support system with the people I was in treatment with. Thank God for the NA program. I will try to update this more often. I love you all very much and thank you for your support.

Love,
Katie

Disease with no cure....

Good Morning!

I hope you all are doing well. I am getting better day by day. Having the disease of addiction is rough. There is no pill you can take to cure it, or even stop the thoughts of wanting to use. You see the thing your addicted to are not the problem. It's the underlying reasons that are. What scares me is that, while I was in treatment, I felt safe. I didn't have any ought a of using. I was surrounded by people who wanted together clean. But then I left treatment, and now it's time to face life head on.

Some of the things I have learned since leaving treatment, it to follow the steps and foot meetings. The 12 step program is something I feel EVERYONE should follow. It is written in such a way, that if you have any problems  you are struggling with, you can apply the 12 steps to your life. I suggest you google the steps and see for yourself.

There are many things you can do for your recovery to stay clean or help you with a problem you need to deal with. My first suggestion is to surround yourself with supportive, in my case, sober, and positive people. I am tired of apologizing for things I don't feel need an apology. You either have people who care about you or you don't. Again, I quote a counselor that I care about, "Bless them, Change me".

Another thing I am working on is structure and scheduling. I find it easier to live a happy life by keeping to a schedule. For instance, I refuse to sleep any later than having 8 hours of sleep and I try to be in bed by 11 at night. Also it's important to eat 3 full meals a day. I am struggling with this one. But I felt better after having a schedule of eating good food each day. It's also important to pray. Pray all day. If you aren't a religious person, that's fine. Just know ere is a power greater than yourself, that you can speak to to work on your problems.

Last of all, realize you are going to make mistakes know your not a saint. It's okay to fall down, it's getting back up that's the miracle. I have fallen many times, but with a positive attitude, you can do anything.

Well that's all I have for now. I wish everyone a happy day and thank you all for the support.

Sincerely,

Katie Quinn

The hardest thing you need to learn is how to forgive yourself ...

Good Morning,

Last night I was reading my blog and almost regretted admitting to my Percocet problem. I went to a speaker jam last night where they had NA and AA speakers. It was the first time going back to Malvern and to be sitting there as an alumni. Again, the place was packed and I was in AWE of the amount of young people sitting in those chairs. I am sure there were just as many when I was there, I just didn't notice it.

I am not proud of what happened to me. Dealing with depression became too difficult for me and I needed someone to ease the pain. Basically, I was stupid. However, that being said, being treatment taught me a new way of life. You see, the Percocet was not my problem. The problem was the underlying reasons, of why I felt I needed it.

I am not cured. There is no cure for addiction. I am in recovery. I am learning everyday to be patient, kind, non-judgemental, and to be humble. I am grateful for all I have in my life. The one thing I need to work on is forgiving myself. It still eats me up everyday. I have isolated myself from my old friends, petrified to see them. I am annoyed at what people are saying about me behind my back. I am struggling to get the trust back from my family. But I know it will come. I have a HUGE support system through the people who went through treatment with me. I'm litterally talking about 40 ppl that I am in touch with on a daily basis.

Soon things will get better. I am still depressed but I am learning how to deal with it day by day. I pray. I say my affirmations, I'm trying my best.  I had an awesome counselor who taught me this saying of which I will have tattooed on my wrist soon enough: "Bless Them, Change Me". I say this 1,000,000,000 times a day.

Thank you for your continuous support. You all are so special to me and I thank you for not judging me and standing behind me.

Thank you.
Katie Q

Back with Faith and Hope...

Hi all! I know That it has been forever since I have updated this blog and I apologize for that. As you know I went into rehab back in February. The honest truth is I became addicted to percocets and it was time to get help. For those of you who wrote to me. Unfortunately, I must have had the wrong address because I didn't get them but feel free to send them to me now.

When I first went to rehab, I thought "damn, I don't belong here. Everyone here are junkies and I'm not them". Needless to say, I quickly learned, I am them. I may not have had legal issues or court ordered to be in rehab, but what I learned is that addiction isn't the problem, it's dealing with your past and present issues are the problem.  I was lucky enough to have group therapy as well as 1-1. I Learned so much about myself and let me tell you, the people who were in treatment, looked just like you and I. Getting to know all these great people have kept me sober. The people who you think.ie, and can't be trusted are the people I now trust my life with. They are amazing. My support system is growing every day.

In rehab we work the 12 steps. I truly believe addiction or not, EVERY person should practice  the 12 step program. Right now, I am at step three. It could take months or even years to get to the12th step and I am okay with that. Everyday,I say from a great counselor I had, " another day clean and sober, I am blessed".  I want to share the first 3 steps I am working on, and I feel we all can relate this to our daily lives.

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless (fill in the blank of your problems in life) and that our lives have become in manageable. This is a hard step to understand. Think of a problem that you have a hard time fixing. Instead of having massive anxiety, notice that you are powerless about it and to let it go. I.E. Divorce. If your husband or wife files for divorce, the other partner should not blame the selves, but realize it is a situation that they are powerless over. It doesn't make you a bad person.

Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
How many of us live in a state of insanity. I am pretty sure most of you will agree at least one part of your life is insane.  This step is that we believe there is so etching greater than ourselves out there. You do not have to be religious for this.  In recovery we call this "Higher Power". Your higher power is someone or something you can look to to keep you from making bad decisions. It could be your God or it could be nature, an animal, Anything that will keep you from making a bad decision.

Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God " as we understood him".
Again people mistake this for a religious God. Your higher power may be God but it is noted in text as God as we understand him to be, aka your higher power. Again, these steps are to keep your life from being insane and how to handle making life easier.

These steps are in order for a reason. It takes time to really understand the steps and where you are at with your problems. Most important is t you do not have to do this alone.  It's really important to have a great support system. People you can call to let out frustrations.

I am excited to be back and I hope this helps. Any feedback would be great. Thank you for your continued support. Please Text me with any questions. Love you (215-272-7609)

Valentine's Day and other misadventures...

I haven't heard from Katie just yet but it's early days. I really hope she's catching up on some sleep. I've started answering my phone though, just in case she tries to call. I should probably elaborate... I'm agoraphobic, which means I'm afraid to leave the house or talk to other humans, even by phone - you know, just the basics lol. Inspired by Katie's courageous move to check in for treatment however, I've begun answering the telephone! Sure I get nervous and lose my voice, but I'm doing it anyway. Very proud of myself.

Katie asked me to encourage everyone to write to her while she's in for treatment. I can tell you for sure that there's nothing much to do in those places between sessions with your doctor, except eat, sleep, and read. A nice newsy, encouraging letter would no doubt be a godsend for Katie.

Address:
Katie Quinn
940 West King Rd,
Malvern, PA 19355

Meanwhile, please do leave comments for Katie and I will faithfully pass them along. As you know Katie doesn't have internet access while she's away so all letters, comments, and messages will be gratefully received by Katie.

As for me...

I'm sad to say that Bipolar disorder caused the final breakdown of my marriage today. The beginning of the end was Valentine's day when I realised how much my husband was beginning to resent me. My poor husband (who incidentally has his own issues) has put up with me for just as long as possible and now finally he's had enough. I am 33yrs old and, as of Wednesday, living back at home with my parents. Originally our plan was to live separately until we could both get back on track, but as of this morning he's decided he can't handle it and is sick of all of the drama.

Fair enough really.

This got me thinking... Can a person with Bipolar disorder ever really enjoy a lasting, happy relationship? I've never actually heard of it happening. My uncle is still with his Bipolar wife after almost thirty years, but he looks about twenty years older than he really is. My aunt's illness has completely sapped him. Everything he used to be is gone - he doesn't seem to have a sense of humor anymore, he's stick thin, and has no life in his eyes. The poor guy!

So, can we enjoy fulfilling, lasting romantic relationships? Please join in the discussion by leaving a comment below. I really would love to know your thoughts on this.

Stay tuned, and wish me luck! :-)

Leaving to be therenat 4:00

Well I am sad to say, they may not have a bed for me tomorrow but absolutely Monday.  It's disheartening because I want the healing process begin as soon as possible. They said to call in the morning or they will call me later tonight. I will call first thing tomorrow morning, and they will tell me what's up. In the meantime, I am going to pack. I don't give a shit what I look like so I am only packing sweats. Period. Maybe I'll pack a pair of jeans...maybe.

I am allowed to have visitors for an hour once a week, but I am going to try with no visitors, I also have a phone card I can use, and if you would like me to call and check in, let me know. I am packing stationary myself to write to people. I really hope people write to me. I am going to put the information on the bottom of this. The more support, I support I have from people the better my recovery will go.

A I scared YES, am I nervous, YES, am I everything that anxiety as to offer, YES. I don't want to leave my bed. It sounds silly. I'm not allowed to bring any bedding whatsoever, not even my Eagles Pillow. So sad.

I got a MSG from an old friend that I am not friends with on Facebook or talk to and she sent me well wishes. I don't know how she found out unless she read my blogs.

One thing I want to point out that people have been asking me, is that this clinic is mostly for detox and drug addictions, which I have abused, but really the reason I am going is my bipolar, because that's what drives me to substance abuse. I don't know how people are going to react to me going through this, I may lose friends, maybe gain friends, but most of all I am doing this myself. This was my decision, and I am excited to get back and be with my friends.

At the end of this, I will be moving into my fathers place in Reading, PA. Until I get myself back together. Hopefully this will work out and I will be able to see my friends. He lives in the middle of nowhere but has like 5 acres 4 dogs to cuddle with and hopefully I can build a better relationship with him.

Well I am going to wrap this up for now, I have a lot of things to get done before I leave. I will post when I am leaving, and the Vanessa will update you with my blog. She's a wonderful woman, very computer savy and suffers from bipolar I.

Thanks for all your support, you can send letters and such to the address below.

Katie Quinn
940 West King Rd,
Malvern, PA 19355

Thank you everyone! Can't wait to be back in 30 days.

2:22 AM

Hey everyone! Due to the fact the weather was not bad. I have decided to go Sunday. I'm scared. I did a lot of reading on the place and it has mixed reviews, mixed reviews that I don't want to hear. 30 days away from family and friends is hard. Very hard. My sleep pattern has been insane, I can't sleep at all and I want to sleep.

Anyways, I'll write more tomorrow before I leave.  I hope all is well .

Sincerely,
Katie Quinn

Hi Everyone!

Vanessa here - introducing myself.

I feel very privileged that Katie has entrusted her blog to me for the next few weeks while she's away looking after herself.

Like Katie, I suffer from Bipolar disorder (type I, rapid cycling). I've also been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and a couple of other things... Let's just say I have my daily struggles, lol.

I'm super proud of Katie for making the decision to check in for intensive treatment. Good girl - doing what she needs to do to get to a healthier place.

While Katie is away I intend to make one or two posts a week, mainly to provide updates on Katie's behalf but also to share some of my own challenges and triumphs. One of the things I love about Katie's blog is how open and honest it is. I also love that Katie manages to keep her posts really positive. I hope to do the same.

I invite you to join the discussion by leaving comments. If you haven't already subscribed to Katie's blog, now is a good time to do so - that way you won't miss updates on Katie's progress.

Stay tuned!

V.

Meet Vanessa...

Hello all!

I have a very good friend, who is very good with blogs. She will be updating on my page occasionally. I will speak with her on the phone while in clinic and she may update on here. She will introduce herself on here later.

Due to the weather, I will not be goin until Monday. So you can still contact me.

Thanks for all your prayers and support and I will have a notebook to write as I go through this process and will update you when I get back.

Thank you

Katie Quinn

Very Important. Please read...

Hello all. I want you to know, I have decided to check myself into an inpatient BiPolar Rehab. I will be going Saturday, for 30 days. So this Blog will not be updated after tomorrow. However I will be writing a diary on my stay, and I will update it as soon as I get back. I can receive mail there. The address is 940 W. King Rd, Malvern Pa 19355. So please feel free to write. I am excited and scared, but looking forward to becoming a new me. I am excited to bring a lot of information home. I will miss seeing writing to you all but this is for the best of me.

Please write! Keep me in your prayers and wish me luck.

I will write more tomorrow.

Thank you all,

Katie Quinn

A scary day...

Hello all! Last night was very very emotional to me. Someone from my BiPolar blog contacted me and told me he was going home to commit suicide. I had to call 911, and talk to the police to see if they could find that person. I gave him any different choices, such as go to the local ER and explain the situation or call his psychologist, or call a friend. Luckily, he didn't commit suicide, but is upset that people aren't paying more attention to him. I don't know if he was serious when he wrote to me, or looking for attention but it scared the shit out of me.

I write this blog as repay for me as well as hoping it helps others, but its quite frustrating when someone writes to me that they want to commit suicide and there is nothing I can do to help. I appreciate people reaching out to me and I am very willing to help, but threatening suicide, especially when I can't do anything, puts extreme guilt on me. What if I didn't get there on time or what if its a cruel way of just getting attention.

It scared the hell out of me when this happened. I really want to help others. I am so frustrated. I have been on a depression stretch. I don't know if its the weather here or the job search being so difficult, or the fact that I came clean on my life, now I am in the position of gaining trust from people all over again. Apologies are nothing but words, but I really want to gain the trust of people I have left down.

Sometimes I just want to go away to a rehab for life skills to work on my bipolar and substance abuse in the past. I just want to disappear for like 3 months, get my life together and come back or not come back at all. Right now, I have to deal with outpatient services, and go from there. There are days I wish I didn't wake up, I know how that feels like. But I would never put that on someone's shoulders and that's why I work with my psychologist, therapists, and take my meds every day.

I hope all is well with you all and if you ever feel like you do t deserve to live call 911, go to the ER room, call your psychologist and figure it out from there. People do care about you and love you.

Love one and all,

Katie Quinn

Groundhogs Day...

Good Evening,

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I enjoyed watching the SuperBowl with friends who have been in my life since a child. Of course I took many pictures, but I didn't know when the next time I would see all my friends together again. I'm sure I was a pain in the ass. 2 of my good friends took me outside and confronted me about my issues and problems and offered to help, which was really sweet. At the time, I was somewhat angry, because I felt almost like an intervention was happening, when I have been dealing with my issues on my own for so long. It was sad to see a gap between friendships that were so strong, to friendships that barely existed. Although, I had a period of anger, I realized, by them confronting me and getting all their issues out, they were really trying to step up and be there for me, and if what they said were true, hopefully our relationships will grow stronger.

Being with all my friends from childhood again, felt like the movie "Groundhogs Day". In someways it felt like nothing had changed, it was as if I was young again spending time with all my buddies. They kept picking on me for taking so many pictures, but it was as if I didn't want to lose those memories.

After last night, I hope my friends really meant what they said and we can build our relationships again. I also am excited to continue to rebuild the relationships I had in high school, as well as new friends I have made along the way.

Not to be a downer, but I wanted to share this story I read in Huffington Post. It's about mental illness and people in prison, but it really makes you think. I hope you all continue to build new relationships and also rebuild old relationships in your past. It makes you feel really good when you feel loved.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/04/mental-illness-prisons-jails-inmates_n_2610062.html

Love to One and All!

Katie Quinn

Washing my hands clean...

Good Evening,

Sorry I was unable to write a blog last night. I didn't have the best night. I really have been depressed. I am dealing with a serious issue, that I wish I could discuss on here, but if that person ever read this blog, and I don't know if they have checked this so I am going to make up a surname. We will call her "Sue".

Sue loves me. She has been in the past been my rock, but things are changing. I don't know if its because I am getting older, but I feel like I am being treated like a child. I have made some serious mistakes in my life. I am not going to admit I was the most perfect child from 0-28. However, this person has a huge influence in my life, and I am getting more depressed about myself, about who I am as a person, whom I have become, and who I will turn out to be.

I am tired of carrying this rock on my back, of feeling like a nobody and wash my hands clean. It's time to take control of my life, and I need to figure my life out. I am so frustrated with myself. I can't sleep at night, I wake up feeling I have done something wrong everyday.

I am blessed to have good friends in my life. Especially those who have stuck by me through thick and thin. I have had a guardian angel step in my life and I am so blessed to have that person in my life.

I got this picture of of Facebook where it says " You can't always be nice, that's how people take advantage of you". I have tried to be nice and do anything and everything to help people and I feel like it blows up in my face. I feel like those that help me, I can't repay them enough.

To those who have taken advantage of me, I'm washing my hands clean. It's time to move on. It's time for me to repay the people who really care about me in my life. One of my best friends have decided to go another way in life, and that's fine. l will miss them but I wish them all the best.

So don't be afraid to wash your hands clean of those who take advantage of you. It's time to repay those who have been there for you. Focus on that.

Love one and All!!

Sincerely,

Katie Quinn

New Haircut: New View on Life...

Good Evening,

Well All, if you look at my new profile picture, you can see I went for a major change. It's a short bob, and unfortunately, I can't upload the picture so I uploaded it to my profile picture. Then I came home to a huge box with a Gigantic Teddy Bear, a Heart Shaped Box of Chocolates, and a Dozen Red Roses. I had tears of joy. Not just because I had these materialistic things, but e card that came with it. It said "Feel Better Angel, You're important to me and many other people". I received a card from another loved one that said " Hopefully this comes as a little pick me up for you and brightens your day and puts that smile on your face that you deserve to have everyday".

I have realized, I have so many people in my life that love me and will ALWAYS be there for me.  With my new hairstyle, I really want to change the outlook on my life. I realize, although I get so depressed, I have people that truly love me. When I want to end my life cause I feel like I am a bother to other people, I get cards or gifts in the mail, and tears of happiness stream down my face.

Maybe it's the weather, or someone, but I have been having a difficult few months. The depression has been awful, the arguments with my mother, seem awful, my job situation seems hopeless. When I get depressed I feel guilty because,at least I have a home, a warm bed, clothes, and food to eat. I think of children in under privilege areas and then think to myself, "Your such a bitch. Look at all you have. Your ungrateful". Then the depression worsens.

I can't explain the mental pain I have everyday. And you know what, I am not going to sit here and write to other people who are suffering from depression, that I know what it's like for them. Cause I don't. I never will. NO ONE will no the pain your in. You can go to therapy, your best friend, and try to explain it, but don't let anyone tell you, they know what your going through.

Right now, dating is not an option, or at least serious dating. I need to focus on me and getting my meds right and such like that, and be happy with myself. I am grateful for all of you and the support you have given me. I want to thank you for spreading the word because its time for the nation to get rid of the mental illness stigma and let's focus on working on changing and fixing our issues for our minds. Be happy as much as you can, and don't take for granted the people you have in your life supporting you.

I hope you have a wonderful night and I continue to keep in touch with you all and help in whatever way I can. If you have read my other blogs, you know how to reach me. And again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

Sincerely,
Katie Quinn

Balancing Work, Medication And Mental Illness This is Great!

Hi All,

My girlfriend sent me this. It's about a woman suffering from schizophrenia and balancing work and meditating.

Here is the link:

http://www.npr.org/2013/01/30/170667522/balancing-work-medication-and-mental-illness

Enjoy All!

Have a Good Night!

Love one and all!

Katie Quinn

I think this blog is a good one, let me know!

Good Evening Everyone,

I am so lucky to be writing this blog with a woman who shares in the pain I feel although hers is physical. I have written about her before, and I am keeping it private, but she is the most wonderful woman. She lives life in constant pain, and yet she get's up every morning and focuses on the life a head. She never looks back. Something I truly admire.

I feel extremely guilty when I complain about the mental pain I suffer. Last night, I cried to my mother, trying to explain the depression I am dealing with.  She can't understand and I can't describe my feelings to the point of which she can. I feel guilty because I can't understand the pain she is going through.

Last night was particularly hard. I was thinking about the fact, I don't feel comfortable having children at least not at this point. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. There are days I just cry and cry and lay in bed. There are days I can't fall asleep because I don't want to wake up in the morning, scared feeling the depression is going to come back. How can I bring a child into this world feeling like this? I am 29, I am not getting any younger. I love children. I think they are the most precious miracle that God created. I also want to get married. What if that man wants children? I want children, but right now I can barely take care of myself at times. I WANT CHILDREN! I WANT THIS ILLNESS TO GO AWAY!!!DISAPPEAR. Why can't we find a cure for this? Or more important why does the government make it so much money to work on mental illness. People die everyday committing suicide, or kill other people because their not in the right frame of mind.

Mental Illness is no joke. I am going to Outpatient Therapy and the bills are just going to add up.  I have been offered positions and then when we go to schedule the interview, suddenly the job is taken or there is a temporary freeze. I can't tell you how important this blog is to me. Yes I am glad it helps others, but its therapeutic to me. But it makes me wonder how many employers read this. Do they read this and think, "She is a crazy one, lets not hire her".

What people don't know is I am DAMN good at my job and proud of it.  It makes me feel good that I help other people. I am a DAMN good employee and I am not just trying to pat myself on the back, but I hate that this stigma could possibly the demise of me not getting a job that I want or even deserve.

I don't want Bipolar disorder.  I don't want to have the urges to take medications not prescribed to me. I want the old Katie back and I want her back now.  I want a normal life and I want to stop dating losers.  I always date people that have issues because I think I can help them and then they screw me over. I have a $500.00 bill that I bought tires for a friend who told me his kids were in danger,because his tires were so bad. He promised to pay me back, and now I am stuck with a bill and an incredibly high interest rate. With no job. Yup I am that girl and I hate myself for it. I don't want to be on unemployment, I want to be that girl that has a real life, and a good one at that.

I know there is no cure, but I will be damned to not allow it to ruin my life. That is why I am going to outpatient therapy services. I will go to the moon and back.  And maybe, just maybe God will grant me an angel that will give me a good job, a man in my life that will understand my disease and for me to understand how to take care of it, possibly be able to be stable enough to have a child.

Thank you for continuing to read my blog and contacting me. As you know, someone reported me as spamming my information, so for 15 days I can't post my blog, so I please ask you to share this with as many people as possible, get the word out.  I can't thank you all enough. I love you to death and appreciate your continuing support.

Love One and All,
Katie Quinn, 

Strangers who become friends and work issues.

Hi all! I just want to thank a special person, who has contacted me on helping me getting the blog updated and ready and hopefully I will be able to put on more valuable information. I am so grateful for all your comments. Right now, I am suffering from depression again. You know it sucks when you confide in them and they think they are helping but their not. That's why I am choosing to go back to therapy.

I am a person that needs to be going at all times. I can't even watch a TV show and sit still. So being unemployed right now is driving me crazy, although I do have a job interview coming up next week. I'm nervous about the stress. How many of you out there get high anxiety at work and then run for your meds? But then you take your meds and then you look dopey and your employers question you. I am really good at my job, but I handle stress and anxiety hard. I always want to reach for a Klonopin, but don't want that dopey look.

Having anxiety can make it hard for people to even have a job. I'm scared that I can't have children because I don't want my children to be as messed up as I am. I do believe it is genetic. Don't let this disorder rule your life. Try new things, push yourself to do something you never did.

I contacted the therapy place and as soon as I get a start date, I'll let you know. Hopefully I will be more helpful.

Love One and All,
Katie Quinn

New life beginning...

Good Morning,

Well I thought I would write this morning. I want to thank those who have been sharing my link with friends and family, and I really appreciate it. I also want to thank those who have shared my link since I can't do it myself for 15 days because apperently I was "spamming" 'which is something I was not trying to do.

Right now I live at home. I used to live with roommates but unfortunately, things didn't work out and I moved home. I made stupid decisions, and now paying for them, but at least I am learning from my mistakes. My mom loves me dearly, but she can't comprehend what I am going through. She admits that. She doesn't understand I just want to be happy, but a pill isn't going to do it. I am excited for the fact I have 2 job interviews next week. I don't mean to pat myself on the back, but I am one hell of a recruiter and staffing expert. The reason I am not at my old company is because I broke my foot there and they refused to help me for the 6 weeks I was out (it was my right foot so I couldn't drive).

Anyway, my workmans comp case just got settled which is great, but I am still trying to fix my unemployment, which will be fixed, I'm not concerned. But again, money is something I struggle with. I am not manically spending, I can't even afford the things I simply need to live my life.

The reason I bring all this crap up and I am sorry if it is long winded, but since my mom and I are having issues, I am looking to find either an apartment or a 1 room area, where I can have my independence. My mom doesn't trust me and I don't blame her from my past. But now it's time to move forwards, and I need to live by myself one on one. No roomates to answer to, just e chance to be independent.

So I am not in an intensive outpatient service for my bipolar, hopefully get my meds changed to something more manageable. There is an apartment my dad knows of that Ncould live in for a cheap price, but its in the middle of nowhere, which at first made me hate the idea. Now, I am thinking it will teach me to be independent and take control of my life again, and most importAntly grow up. Plus the strain on my moms relationship at this point, me being out of the house might work out for the best.

So it is a wait and see. Cross your fingers that I can get this unemployment squared away.

Thanks.

Love one and All
Katie Quinn

P.s.~~> Any donations you can send will go to Bipolar awareness. not me.  I don't take charity, it's just something I am passionate about and want to get rid of the stigma.

Angels all around us...

I just want to thank you all for the feedback, your comments, and your expressions. Very sweet and making me feel better about writing this blog. An angel came through for me today. You know who you are.

Starting tonight, I am writing short term list of things I want to accomplish as the days pass on. The reason I am doing a short term list is because we all know that New Years resolutions may start of for a week, but then we stop. So starting tomorrow, I want to get myself Ina regular bed schedule, make sure I am taking my medications at the correct time, and again, start outpatient services. It's scary to think how much money I put in towards medical bills and therapy services. Ugh it's not fair. Mental Illness should be free, because those people need the help the most especially those who have severe anxiety and depression, because it can be dangerous.especially those who are suicidal.

Like I said, I am suffering from bipolar 2. I rarely have manic episodes and when I was suffimg from substance abuse it gave me the feeling of being normal. I want to add an article I find interesting:

Here is the article between substance abuse and BiPolar:

"According to the most recent literature on substance abuse and bipolardisorder, these two problems occur together so frequently that all young people with a bipolar diagnosis should also be assessed for drug and alcohol problems. Those who experience mixed states or rapid cycling have the highest rate of danger from substance abuse — the discomfort a person feels in these chaotic moods is so great that she may be willing to do or take almost anything to make it stop.

Some drugs, including marijuana, downers, alcohol, and opiates, seem to temporarily blunt the effects of mood swings, only to cause ill effects later. Others can actively exacerbate manic depression. Speed (methamphetamine, crank, crystal) and cocaine are two that have sent many abusers into mania, often followed quickly by deep depression and psychotic symptoms. Hallucinogens, including LSD and PCP, can set off psychotic symptoms as well. These drugs are not a good idea for any child or teenager, but their effects on young people with bipolar disorders can be even worse.

As with suicide, accidents, and SIB, the best approach to substance abuse is prevention. First, take a look at your own example: if you find that drugs or alcohol have become important coping strategies for you, seek immediate treatment. Talk to your child about responsible use of alcohol, for example, a glass of wine with a special meal, or a cold beer on a hot day at the ball game. Point out examples of inappropriate or excessive use, from street alcoholics to news stories about young people in trouble due to drug use or drunken driving. You really don’t have to preach, just provide a good example and accurate information to counteract the messages your child will receive from ads, pop culture, and peers.

When a person first begins to try drugs or alcohol, there’s still time to stop without involving a detox center or other strong measures. She needs to think about why she has chosen to try alcohol or drugs, such as feeling self-conscious in social situations or inability to handle peer pressure; other activities that might have the same positive effects, such as improving her social skills; and ways to avoid temptation, including choosing a different peer group or steering her friends toward something other than bong hits and beer bashes. These are issues that can be discussed with a parent or a counselor.

Most teens will attend a wild party or two, out of curiosity or boredom if nothing else. You may be able to prevent them from coming to harm even when they’ve made a bad choice. Many families have drawn up a contract with their children, promising that they will retrieve them from a dangerous situation at any hour, with no lecture to follow. Let them know that while they may make some poor judgment calls, you’re available to come to their rescue.

You may also need to actively help kids whose peers are fixated on drinking and drugs to find other ways to spend their time. This negative aspect of youth culture isn’t just a big-city phenomenon by the way–small towns and rural areas, with their lack of activities and places to go, can have 

extraordinarily high rates of drinking and drug use among teens. The drug and alcohol problems of suburban youth are often covered up, but they’re there in force, spurred by lack of supervision after school, access to cash, and easy mobility.

When substance abuse progresses in frequency or seriousness, or when highly dangerous drugs are involved, early intervention is essential. Experts in treating children and teenagers with a dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and substance abuse or bipolar disorder and substance dependency say success depends on appropriate medication; education about their psychiatric condition, psychiatric medications, and the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse; and close monitoring. Lithium has proven to greatly reduce or eliminate substance abuse in as many as 75 percent of dual-diagnosis youth with a bipolar disorder. It can be assumed that when other types of mood stabilizers are tested, they will show at least some positive effect on substance abuse as well. Twelve-step programs such as AA are important for reaching and maintaining recovery.

Although some sources recommend treating the substance abuse first, mostly because drugs and alcohol can have severe interactions with the medication used to treat manic depression, both really need to be addressed at once. Obviously, a person who is not sober is unable to adhere to the lifestyle changes, medication regime, and therapyappointments needed to hold back mood swings. At the same time, most bipolar substance abusers drink or use drugs partly to self-medicate their symptoms, and they may misuse their prescription medications as well.

Drug treatment programs, including inpatient detox centers, are beginning to be more knowledgeable about working with bipolar patients. If your child will be going to a drug treatment program, make sure that its clinical staff is fully aware of the implications of his illness, and that appropriate medication management and psychiatric expertise will be available.

Most detox centers say that about a month is needed to break a true addiction’s physical grasp, and it takes a year of sobriety before an addict can honestly feel mentally comfortable without his substance of abuse. Relapses are common until several years of sobriety have been achieved, and can present severe dangers, including suicide. The earlier a drug or alcohol user seeks effective treatment, however, the more likely he is to achieve complete freedom from substance abuse without progressing to substance dependency.

Many addicts use self-help resources like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), or Rational Recovery to get and stay sober. In these programs, people attend regular meetings to talk about their addiction problems and offer each other support. Former substance abusers who have gotten clean act as mentors to newcomers. Generally speaking, these 12-step programs are an excellent resource for drug and alcohol users in recovery. There are special groups for teens, although many experts recommend teens attend mixed-age groups. Participants in 12-step programs are paired with sponsors who can help them deal with temptation, social pressure, old behavior patterns, and the stress of meeting new expectations.

There are also adjunct groups for the families of addicts. Family support groups can really help you make it through this difficult period. You’ll learn many strategies for helping your child on the road to recovery. Families Anonymous is one with many local chapters.

The only down side of 12-step programs is that a few former addicts are against using prescription medications for brain disorders, seeing them as simply a legal substitute for street drugs or alcohol. This is not an official policy of AA or NA, by the way. To make sure a particular 12-step group doesn’t have this orientation, talk to one of the group’s long-term members or to its institutional

 sponsor, if any.

Love one and All,

Katie Quinn

My promise to you for those suffering Depression and Anxiety. Please share this page

And they say

She's in the Class A Team

Stuck in her daydream

Been this way since 18

But lately her face seems

Slowly sinking, wasting

Crumbling like pastries

And they scream

The worst things in life come free to us

Cos we're just under the upperhand

And go mad for a couple of grams

And she don't want to go outside tonight

And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland

Or sells love to another man

It's too cold outside

For angels to fly

Angels to fly

Ripped gloves, raincoat

Tried to swim and stay afloat

Dry house, wet clothes

Loose change, bank notes

Weary-eyed, dry throat

Call girl, no phone

I don't know how many people have heard this song but its beautiful and I relate to it in many ways. I have been suffering with BiPolar disorder since about 18. I often dream of the days when I will be "normal" or normal to me. Right now, I am on a downward slope and that is why I am going to check into an outpatient clinic Monday to work especially hard on controlling my bipolar. Unlike this song, I'm not a call girl or smoke a pipe haha, but I did have a substance abuse, for the mental pain. I still feel like if it works for me, then why not? It's not illegal, but I know it's not good for me. And I have stopped. Have I had relapses...yup. Even somewhat recently. Do you Know what this does to my parents, friends and family? It kills them, and it kills me for doing it to them. And then I get depressed. And the battle begins again.

I know some of you who read this cant comprehend what my feelings are or how to understand me properly and I apologize for that.  But for those of you who can understand, I appreciate your feedback. As you know someone posted that my bipolar was spam so I can't put this on Facebook sites unless they allow it. So I ask you if you know anyone suffering or just feels similar to how I feel. Share. I wish I could write more often, but life has taken a different turn on me. And with the outpatient treatment I hope I learn more.

Severe Depression and Anxiety is painful. I don't care what any book says. Mental pain can be just as bad as physical pain. Why do you think there is such high suicide rates? Please if you learn anything from my blogs, please get the help. There is government aid if you don't have the money. I have been blessed with funding to do it. And it's because I'm just like you. Nothing to do with looks or physical appearances. We're all in this boat together. Feel free to write to me, via Facebook, email or my physical address which I will put at the bottom of this. I have been hanging up your wonderful inspirations and thank your in my room. It gives me great feeling not just that I have helped someone but because your helping my spirits too. I'll write more tomorrow.

Love one and All,

Katie Quinn

Katiequinn20@yahoo.com

My address is: 226 Lexington Rd, Schwenksville PA, 19473.

Please don't abuse the information I'm giving you. I don't need stalkers lol. If anyone is close in the area, feel free to reach out and I'll meet you. Again, I want to make one of those live strong like bracelets for bipolar, so any donations will be gratefully accepted.

Thank you!

Someone on Facebook reported me for spamming, so I can not put up on Facebook for 15 days. it's a shame, because it as only to help people. THANK YOU!!! For your support and please pass this along. Thank you!!!

Appreciation needed,,,

In order for me to keep this blog up and running it does cost me money. If you are interested in making a donation to keep this blog up and running, a small donation would help Please make the check out to Catharine Quinn at 226 Lexington Rd, Schwenksville, Pa 19473. I am trying to keep this blog ad free and by your small donation it will stay that way.

******* If could add a card or letter saying how my page has affected you, I'd appreciate it. It gives me more ideas of what to write.******

THANK YOU!!!

p.s sorry I don't have a Paypal account and all donations will go to make this page possible along with possible accessories I can sell on this site. Like I said any small donation will help.

THE SEVERE PAIN OF DEPRESSION!!!

Hello all. I am sorry I have not been keeping up with this blog as daily as I had promised, but its been a frustrating week. I have been having a severe depression week. Including suicidal thoughts. Nothing is making me happy no matter how hard I try to put a smile on my face. I even went back to the substance I abused to see if it would help. Nothing. I've decided to go to outpatients therapy services one that will also help me keep me from running to substances when I feel suicidal, but also a clinic that deals with my bipolar. Unfortunately, the medication I have been on seems not to be working, at least not anymore.

I named this blog "BiPolar Success" well I have had some setbacks. No one trust me and let me tell you why. My mother constantly asked why I lie to her, but if I tell her the truth I get screamed at, if I lie, I get screamed at. So what's the point. I know I have hurt her and other members of my family and I apologize for that. But people do not understand the major mental pain I go through Morning and night. It can happen at anytime. But recently more often than less. Do you know what it feels like to wishing you never woke up at the age of 28? Or the fact I would love to be a mother but I still can't take care of myself? Or have people tell me its all in my head, and 'just get over it'. I may not have horrible physical pain that some have but the mental pain is unbearable. I would go into inpatient therapy, but I need to have some sort of life, Something. I want to work, I want to have a life, I want to find love but most of all I want the hurt to stop.

No I am not shooting up heroin or doing illegal activities, I would never do that. And I don't do this all the time, it's just not me. But the pain is horrible. Depression is horrible. So I am turning to you all for help.

Anyone who reads this that has severe depression not moderate, I am talking severe. As well as severe mental pain on a daily basis. Please contact me privately either through Facebook, or Katiequinn20@yahoo.com and please contact me on the medications you are currently on and dosage. Also Drs or clinics in PA please that you have heard that works. I could really use your help, before I do something stupid.

Love One and All,

Katie Quinn
Katiequinn20@yahoo.com
215-272-7609

Guilt...

I guess it's only write this at 11:21PM at night. Ever since I wrote that blog about trust and lies, my body seems to be reliving every lie I have ever done and now I can't fall asleep. I feel like I need to go to confession or somehow go back in time and fix these things. I made so any stupid decisions in my life that I truly regret. Family and friends, things I've done to hurt myself.

I am a picker. You see I don't feel like I am a pretty person. I don't feel pretty inside. I don't feel anything inside. Sometimes I take pins to my face and cut through the skin just for relief. It doesn't even hurt when I do it. Yes my psychologist knows this and I have to admit I have been doing well for awhile.

See some days I write these blogs and I am in good moods and want everyone to share them with me. But this is my real bipolar. E hatred ness for myself on the inside and the outside. I spent THOUSANDS of dollars paying for other people's needs starting in high school to my Ex's 500.00 tires he had to have because the others weren't safe for his children. I paid for them and he promised to pay me back,  but not only did he not pay me back, his family abused me, and here I am broke. I always thought giving to other people, would bring good karma my way. I paid for a friend who drove his car into a ditch and needed for the tow truck, money I'll never see and on top of it he was drunk which I didn't know at the time.

I thought I could love myself by doing things for other people and didn't think about myself. Unfortunately, I find myself worthless in this world. I have made so many bad decisions in my life, I don't know why I was brought onto earth. Now it's 11:33 and I am no where closer to feeling any better or wanting to go to sleep.

Every time I clothes my eyes, I think of something wrong with myself. I choose to have scars on my body because it makes me feel like " we'll people just don't like me because of my scars". It's disturbing how many holes I have put in my face out of anger of myself. I feel sick to my stomach just writing this. I've turned into a person, I never wanted to be and although I can change the future, I can't change the past. And that makes me angry. I can't date someone right now because I don't love myself in fact, I am not sure I love myself at all.

So here I am the real Katie, the one who's depression comes out at night. I just got my meds changed to Seroquil XR which made me tired earlier, but now my conscious is keeping me awake of the things that I can't change. So I will end with this:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Sincerely,

Katie Quinn

Trust and Lies

Trust. It's not something you get right away, and its something you earn. And it's very easy to lose. At some points in my life, I have lost trust with my parents and my friends. It's something I am still working on. You know throughout my life, lying became easier and easier to me. When I was in Catholic School, I couldn't lie to save my life. In Catholic school they instilled in you you were going to hell if you lied, so until 8th grade I was straight laced. Than I went to public high school and was beginning little white lies. When I had substance abuse it was flat out lies. Not only was I lying, I was lying like a pro. Sometimes I believed the lie was the truth. It suddenly became do easy to me. And now I have to live with a mother who straight out will tell me She doesn't believe a word I say...ever.

Reasons why I lie to her, is whether or not I tell her the truth or a lie, if she disagrees with me, she screams at me so its gotten to the point it doesn't matter. I don't want to lie, but it seems no matter what I say, if its not her way, she screams at me.

It scares me how easily lying has come to me and now I am making a conscious attempt to tell the truth no matter how much it hurts. the thing is, I don't lie to everyone, but I admit I have made the occasional white lies and for that I am sorry. I don't want to become that person. So I deeply apologize to anyone whom I have lied to in the past.

The reason I bring this topic up is because I think we lie to ourselves more than anyone else. We tell each other we're working on things in our life which we aren't. Making promises to ourselves that we don't keep. And I'm not just talking about New Years Resolutions. Anyway, I am really going to try to be more honest with people and I sincerely apologize to anyone I have lied to in the past. Consciously, telling the truth will help us live a better life and we all want people to trust us.

I am sorry I haven't written lately, I was a way on vacation. But I am back and ready to be there for no one who needs me and I HONESTLY mean that. please feel free to contact me at anytime either through Facebook or posted comments on here and I will do my best to answer you.

Thank you for reading this. It means a lot to me that you all care enough to learn about my life and I hope it can give you some peace within you. You guys are great. Thank you again.

Sincerely,

Katie Quinn

Ever changing...

You know what I did last night? Change my mind, every 5 sec. Yup how frustrating is that. I am trying to get A grip on what I want to do with my life. And every 5 sec, a change. I also was thinking of what kind of people I want to do with the people in my life. Questioning if they are good for me.

I actually saw a program for experimental drugs for bipolar. I'm considering doing it. It's a 10 day program, and I'll do anything to help me with this disease.  I also realized, that some people on here although are wonderful and asking for advice and wanting to talk to me about their issues, I hope no one is offended by this, but I just want to be a friend that someone can lean on about their questions or how their feeling and be there for them. A the same time, I am not looking for anything more than that at this time. Right now I am concentrating on getting myself healthy. I hope you understand.

So I hope everyone had a good day today, I am sorry this is short, but I wanted to post something today. I hope you all know you can come to with any issues you might have. I am always available and I appreciate all of your comments and texts and email. I love you all!

Sincerely,
Katie Quinn

A condition with no cure....

I just spent the night with with a woman who like me, has a condition with no cure. This girl has a condition that has holes in her bladder and a disease that continues to deteriorate that. Se can't eat or drink certain foods or drinks and yet she is a trooper who refuses not to work, to get up and get out and all she dreams about is on her wedding day she feels ok. She has to get treatments that are so painful she forgets who she is or where she is, and yet each week she continues to go. She is my hero.

My disease has no cure. In fact my medication usually changes ever time I visit my therapist. It's a constant chance of will this work? The pain my girlfriend goes through is considered being like a stage 4 cancer. She won't die from the disease but for the rest of her life she will battle this disease.

What people don't understand is that I have severe pain too, although mine is mental. When I had my substance abuse problem, I was able to feel euphoria, at least to me, and feel like everyone else. The depression disappeared, I was able to get up and do things, and felt wonderful. Although it was a prescription, it's still something they don't give to people with bipolar and to this day I can't understand why. I understand the addictiveness, and I realize maybe people don't agree with it, but there has always been the discussion with marijuana and look how times are changing.

She is a hero in my eyes and how she deals with pain she has, I don't know. How she doesn't have depression, I don't know. But she is a strong wonderful woman and I wish I could be just as strong.
It's so hard to deal with diseases with no cure. Only treatments. Some painful, some tolerable.

I hope some day that their is more research done on bipolar and every other illness as well. I hope that there are days that I don't feel like putting one foot in front of the other wont be painful. That there are days I don't cry myself to sleep. Ad the one thing I wish most of all is that I can feel the same way everyday. Some days I'm strong and thing, I am gonna do this. And then the next day my brain says 'well that's stupid, what was I thinking??? I'll do this instead. It's like each day I feel a different way, and I HATE THAT!!!

I want to throw a party or something similar to raise money for bipolar awareness. I'm thinking of doing it with my girlfriend whom I was talking about earlier. If anyone could donate something for a silent auction it would be much appreciated and ill let you know where this mixer will be located. Maybe get the chance to meet you all.

Thank you and Love to One and All,

Katie Quinn

My opinion on gun control....

Good Afternoon,

I apologize for not writing yesterday, as I spent it with one of my families. I wanted to touch base on the Assault Ban issue. I really don't want to get into my opinion as I am so heated about the issue. The reason I want to touch base on this position, is I was just watching CNN, I am a politics junkie, anyway, he stated " it's the people with mental issues that are the problem, not the guns". How DARE he say that. You know, many people have mental issues and this is what carries the stigma and why people won't go and get help because their afraid to admit they have a problem.

There are millions of people who have issues mental or not. The only way people will get the proper help is that they accept the fact they have a problem and go and get help. But that damn stigma gets in the way. I was wondering if anyone has seen the movie Silver Linings with Bradley Cooper in it. I haven't yet but will be seeing it shortly.

People with mental or physical illness suffer. The only difference is people feel bad with physical illnesses because its something that can't be seen. 26 adults and children were killed in Sandy Hook. According to the news the mother, was going to commit her son cause she knew he had a problem. Maybe if he knew what he was feeling was not normal, and that going for help would be the answer, not killing. But I often think was he scared to talk to someone? Was he bullied because of his differences? How long was this going on?

I am not an advocate of a killer. I am an advocate of helping people who have the issues, to get the help they need. We need to stop the "stigma" and embrace those people so they get the help they need. It's time that the world, focuses on Mental Illness as an Illness, just like any other Illness someone might have, just in the brain. Like Autism, has become a huge illness that we focus on, we need to focus on the other mental illnesses as well. Stop making fun or bullying so that people can get treatment. and a stigma to not be an issue anymore.

Love One and All,

Katie Quinn

Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.

Im asking all of you to listen to Little Talks by of Monsters Of Men. Listen to the woman speaking. This is what I deal with everyday. Infact I am sure all of us can relate to this song. It's amazing.

I am lucky to have so many "families". I'm not just talking on my moms side or dads side, but those special people that always make you feel welcome and accept you for who you are. I am talking about the pets that you love as much as your own, the ones who set a place for you for dinner, the ones that want you at the hospital as they have a baby! That family. It's not just a friend you can go out to dinner with. Their great and you may talk to them all the time. It's the families that don't care your in sweatpants, no makeup, tear stained, exhausted and can cuddle up on the couch at anytime of day.

We don't take the time to appreciate those who take us in when they don't have to. The one who you can run to get a hug from or cry with.  They may not be blood but they are family. I am lucky to have many sets of separate families. More than I can count on one hand.

It's really important to have those families. Sometimes your blood families, you may not get along with. Or they have opinions of you. Or they think you should be someone your not. I love my blood families. They mean the world to me, but the "families" I have created, I feel like I have such a special bond.

Sometimes you just need to get out of the house, get in your car, and scream till you have no voice left. Or it's pouring rain in the summer and you run out into the rain so it will mesh with the tears your really crying. Then there are times you think of that special family. Some place you can run to and feel loved.

I feel sorry for people who don't have it. But it's not too late to start. Or be that one persons family you can run to. Put that extra chair and table setting at your house "just in case". Be that persons family. It can mean the world to that person. To me, it is...at least.

I want to thank my extra families out there. The thread to their pocket and button, the house that has a shelf of my pictures growing up...my own shelf..and I am not their grandchild. My Lucy that has that horrible blue toy...you know what I'm talking about....my electronic smoking family with their three beautiful children who let me sleep in their unsecured loft...My MHC family, you know who you are since I have the tattoo that you all were supposed to get..but didn't. Thanks..by the way that's sarcasm. And of course My Sister from another mother with a beautiful son and fantastic pool and wine selection!

I love you all..and thank you. I don't say it enough....

Love one and all,

Katie Quinn

What is Major Depression?

Good Afternoon,

Wow a busy day to say the least. I hope all is well with you. I wanted to share 3 more true or false questions with you today.

4. All you need to do to stay well is take you medication everyday?

FALSE. There is a lot more to managing bipolar disorder than taking medication. Unfortunately, even when people take their medications very consistently, other things like stress, illness, or even change of season can cause symptoms to return. When symptoms return, most people don't function at work, with their families, or with their friends. Medication can help to control the symptoms, but it doesn't fix the problems at work or home. Special symptom and life management skills are needed to fill the gaps where medication does not do the trick.

5. There is nothing you can do to stop depression or mania once it starts?

FALSE. In addition to taking medication, there are a number of things to help control the symptoms of depression and mania.

6. Sleep loss can trigger a manic episode?

TRUE. Losing consistent nighttime sleep puts people at risk for becoming manic. People who have Bipolar disorder tend to be night people more than morning people. However, staying up later than usual and getting less sleep seems to spur manic episodes or make it worse once mania has begun.

Last thing, and this is for EVERYONE, is a quick note about Depression.

What is major DEPRESSION?

Most people have suffered through episodes of depression as well as mania. There are many forms and subtypes of depression, but one that people with mental illness is called major depression. The word major isn't intended to imply that the depression is terrible or the worst possible type; it is used simply to distinguish this diagnosable depression from minor depressions that everyone else has. Clinicians usually refer to major depression in people with mental illness. They call it "unipolar depression" in people who have never had mania. "Unipolar" means "one end". This means you feel the lows of major depression.

I hope that this is informative for everyone. I also would love your feedback in the fact, should I continue to post everyday in groups about my blog? Or at this point have you saved my blog and I can just update it daily without posting it everywhere? What are your thoughts? I hope all is well!

Love to One and All,

Katie Quinn

Focusing on All Illness not just 1

Good Evening,

I wanted to express some of the True or False Questions located in the BiPolar Workbook. Some of these questions seem obvious, but I am going to do 3 a day, and you can decide for yourselves.

1. Bipolar can cause both depression and mania?

TRUE. Most people who have bipolar disorder have episodes of depression and mania throughout their lives. Some may have more depression. Some may have more episodes of mania. Everyone's symptoms are a little different.

2. You can be depressed and manic at the same time?

TRUE. This is called a 'mixed' episode. During mixed episodes people can feel wound up, have racing thoughts and difficulty sitting still, as in mania, but feel down, hopeless, and suicidal, as in depression. Mixed states can also alternate quickly between depression and mania, each lasting only hours or a few days. They can be difficult to diagnose because they don't look like typical episodes of depression or mania.

3. Medications are necessary to control the symptoms of bipolar disorder

TRUE. Although  many people prefer to "tough it out" periods of depression and mania without medications, it's clear that control of the illness and prevention of future relapses depend on effective medication management. Most people prefer not to take medication and, in fact, have a lot of trouble sticking with a medication regimen for long periods of time.

These are taken from the "Bipolar Workbook". I understand many of you do not suffer from BiPolar. However, for those of you who do have it, I hope you understand that many of us suffer from many different types of disorders. To me depression is a disorder if it occurs on a somewhat regular basis it's something to discuss with a doctor. Sometimes a simple anti depression medication is all it takes.

I also am aware that some people are against taking medication and I get that. I am not trying to force medications down your throat. Sometimes, a simple yoga class, or a day at the gym or a good book can help. There are some natural supplements that can help as well. I found melatonin can help with sleeplessness, and Valeria for relaxation although it does have a really funky smell.

I am proud that people have taken interest in my blog. I write for therapy for myself, but also for the hope I can help at least one person out. I am starting to take some walks during the day, for me to think, figure out what the next step of my life will be and so on. I wish I could be like some of you with the ability to mediate and find a quiet place within yourself. That's something I am looking towards, and I look forward to seeing how all of you handle the new year.

This blog will not be completely about bipolar, although I know most of my blogs have been so. I have been studying other illness's that I can talk about to, because I feel, all of us share a little bit of everything. We all share moments of happiness and sadness. Days that are blah, days we are shy. Days we are outgoing and others we just want to stay inside.

Anyways, I hope you all have seen my new Facebook page that I am specifically saving for my blog post. I hope you all will join. It's something that I am looking forward to build. Thank you all. Your wonderful.

Sincerely,

Katie Quinn

NEW FACEBOOK PAGE! PLEASE READ

HI ALL! I MADE A NEW FACEBOOK PAGE JUST FOR THIS BLOG! FROM NOW ON TO SEE MY BLOG I WILL BE POSTED ON HERE!

SAVE THIS LINK:

http://m.facebook.com/home.php?_rdr#!/katie.quinn.982845?refid=17

THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT! Can't wait to meet my new friends!!!

Katie Quinn

Letting go...

Have you ever had a multiple of something important, and then your down to the last one? That's what happened to me today. I have one of the last important things to me, that I won't see again for quite awhile. If you don't mind I'd like to keep this private so please don't ask questions.

I remember when I was younger, probably around the age of 10. My mom and I had a yard sale and we sold off all of my Barbies. Now it had been years since I played with them, and I knew they were going to good homes for other children to play with, but I had such history playing with those dolls. I am sure all women out there having a Barbie and playing hair dresser ( yea like the hair was going to grow back).

I often think of the things that I had when I was younger, but no longer I have. There are so many things that I have had to let go of. Some good some bad.  Some material things, some friends or family. It's a sad, but yet somewhat happy feeling. It's a great thing to have closure. When I lost my grandfather in February, I was there for the last week of his life. There were a lot of tears, but I got to say all the things that needed to be said.

A lot of times with my depression I think of things I had that I don't have anymore. It's sad, but again somewhat happy. Some of the times I think of old boyfriends that I had and wonder what went wrong. Sometimes, I think I am so happy that I didn't stay with them. It's very frustrating sometimes.

All I am saying is how even when you only have one last thing and its time to give it away, it can be good for closure. Sometimes you have to let things go to move forward to the positive parts of life. I am hoping that happens for me, and for all of you. Im not being cliche but the saying "If you love something let it go, if it comes back its yours, if its not, it was never meant to be".

Love one and all,

Katie Quinn

Friends Vs. Strangers

Good Afternoon,

Today I spoke with someone today who confided in me that its hard to express to friends the illness she has. I use the word illness, because those who have depression, bipolar, and such. It's something that I feel that everyone issues should be kept private and I have always promised confidentiality with everyone.

Many times when we get a diagnosis of whatever it might be even not a diagnosis, just something that we tend to talk to our friends. Friends are great. True friends try to put themselves in our shoes and try to give their opinion or offer how they can help. But it's difficult for them to really understand and for you to explain. That's why I feel it's best to talk to strangers or people who are going what your going through because sometimes they can give the best advice.

I know myself, it's difficult to put yourself out there. I HATE going to see therapists. I don't feel that they don't quite understand what's going on as much training as they have. That's my opinion. That's why I enjoy writing my blog. I am able to share what I am feeling and yet, although from the heart, it's up to those who read this, to see if they can share my experiences.

I am not saying friends aren't helpful. I can't tell you how many friends have spent hours on the phone while I cry over what seems to be nothing. Or those who have invited me to their homes and talked and hugged me. And let me tell you, I truly appreciate it.

So Friends Vs. Strangers. It's a decision for all of us to make. To me my blog is my therapy. I am very excited that its touch so many people and many of these strangers have now become my friends, and I love having these new people in my life.

So maybe strangers can become friends, friends who truly understand what is going on in ones life. I really feel that anyone suffering from any mental condition can find someway to help "ease" the situation. In no way am I saying  it is a cure. What I am saying is that, whether its through being on medications, going to therapy, speaking to friends, or speaking to "strangers" you can begin to understand, you are not alone. You never will be, there are so many people struggling out there and all they need is a "friend" or "stranger".

I hope this helps. I wish you all the happiest in the world. Thank you for reading my blog. Again, please feel free to find me on Facebook as I know many of you have already have found me. My name is Katie Quinn , my e-mail is katiequinn20@yahoo.com. Please feel free to contact me at anytime day or night. I am a "stranger" that does care.

Thank you all.

Katie Quinn

New Chapters...

Tonight I decided to clean out my closet. Cleaning out the old with the new. I was trying to make room for new clothes I received for Christmas, now I am struggling looking at old pictures of old boyfriends, cards of happiness that now have ended, new chapters are begining in my life. These are new chapters that I am carving off as I go along.

People act like starting new chapters in life are easy, as if you can just throw the past away. I see old boyfriends, with new girlfriends, some of which I thought I was going to marry, that are now pregnant with their new girlfriends. People who I dated that have moved on so easily, it makes me sick. How come I look at the past and think the reasons they didn't work out are my mistakes? I feel every relationship that ended with me, was my fault. I did something wrong. I dated someone who got so drunk and was angry with me and when I chose to leave the house because of it, he swung at me and broke his finger on the door he hit. And I sit here thinking of the happier memories and say why did I leave? Someone who got so angry with me he almost hit me and I chose to leave because I dont believe in domestic abuse, but still I am upset with myself like what did I do to make him want to hit me.

I have built a wall up so strong it's made of steel, or brick, or cement whatever you want to call it. I recently been involved in a relationship, but I can't put myself out there. I don't know if I ever will. I am 28 years old and my biological clock is ticking. I eventually do want a child. But I have this disease, something that comes on quicker than a switch. How can I dare put a child involved in a situation like this?! But I was lucky to be with my best friend during her 3rd pregnancy. Her daughter was born c-section and I got the honor of staying at the hospital with her and her family during her hospital stay. I was up at 3 and 5AM with this baby hours old in my arms, cradling her back to sleep. Of course part of my maternal instinct was kicking in.

Bringing up my illness publicly was hard enough. Bringing it up with someone I could possibly marry in the future, twice as difficult. I want a strong hold of my problems so in case I do have a child, obviously my medications are going to have to change. I can't sleep till 1:00PM. I know that when or if I do get pregnant, my life will change, and I am hoping my body adjusts itself. Right now it's just so hard to wrap my head around.

Anyway, back to changing the old out with the new is a good first step. I have on my mirror now, "It's Time To Act Like An Adult". I am going to look at it everyday and hope that it helps to change my life. Maybe that cement wall I have will tumble down eventually. Until then, I am going to embrace, what life has to offer, especially the positivity. Thank you for your accepting me for who I am, and I appreciate your feedback. Of course it's night and my thoughts are toward the negative side. Again, I am going to work on the positivity just as I suggest you all do as well.  Thanks again!

Love to One and All,

Katie Quinn

A Day of Cold...

- lady in waiting -

isn't she so pretty

as she waits beside the door

looking out the window

wishing to see more

so peacefully the day goes by

and slowly turns to night

there are no arms to hold her

and keep her from her fright

in a world so full of people

she feels but all alone

no one stops to listen

to the voices of her soul

the ears around her listen

but no one seems to care

of the tenderness and beauty

of the lady waiting there

I read this and thought of some of the women who have been posting lately. I want you all to know I can relate. I hate the fact that so many people are suffering from sadness and depression. Especially this time of year. At least in the East, it's been cold and miserable. I can't put my feet in the sand, I look forward to the time when the sun shines bright and l feel the warmth on my body. 

I hate the fact that the night comes and the depression kicks in. I constantly ask why? How on earth can my body can have racing thoughts when 8:00-9:00 PM comes around. I re read the post I wrote last night about drama. I keep asking myself, would I have written that if  it was during the day? Although, I truly believe, that I what I wrote is the gods honest truth, I just feel I would be more positive if I wrote this during the day. 

I stopped taking the one anti-depressant, because it really to me wasn't helping me. It also doesn't help, whatever feelings I do have, will always be with me. I wish you all the best. I truly hope that I can help others and I feel your pain you are all feeling, and I hope you all know your thoughts mean the world to me and its therapy for me already knowing you read this and care for me as well. Like I always say, I am there for you all, to talk at anytime. I just hope you know, I share the feelings you have.

Love one and all!

Katie Quinn