A Sleepless Night.
Good Morning All. I hope
everyone has gotten a good sleep. The last time I fell asleep was at
10:30AM last night and it's 5:27AM. Physically my body is saying to lay down and
close my eyes, but mentally my body is saying “forget it, your up.
I am not stopping those racing thoughts" tonight. I am not depressed
at the moment, nor was I 6 hours ago, but being restless SUCKS.
Today I was blessed on
catching up with my best friend and helping her wrap presents for her
fiance and to be step daughter. Then a handome man who has spoiled
me with support, flowers, friendship and kindess came home from Ohio
to spend Christmas with my 2nd family.
As I got to my girlfriends
house ( the handsome man is her husbands brother) She shows me the
gifts that the family had gotten me, small and thoughtful. Although I
said I want nothing, she said she couldn't disclude me from their
family tradition of the “7 days of Christmas”. The gesture was so
sweet but the guilt came in. Money has become difficult for me
because of my situation. It doesn't matter the situation but I really
only had money to spend on my immediate family and no more.
Otherwise, I wouldn't eat, have gas, have a phone to speak on and so
on.
I explain that I feel
uncomfortable, but they know my situation and still wanted me to feel
included and loved. It isn't about the gifts whatsoever. How can a
person not feel good knowing that a famuily other than your own,
cares and loves you. One of best guy friends parent act the same way
with me. They invite me to dinner and since I love baseball and
football, I usually wind up sitting on their couch with his dad and
dog Lucy for whatever the big game is.
But again the guilt. I want
people to know I am grateful for having them in my life and that I
really don't need anything for Christmas. Please save the money and
donate it to a church or so... But Oh how I want to give back. My
favorite thing about Christmas is the giving even if it is small. I
just like to see the smile or the excitement or the look of terror
and eyes looking at me with “Please tell me you saved the receipt”.
My family is not a
traditional family, my parent's are divorced and don't get along. I
don't get along with my step-mother and I don't know why. I always
try to make things right,but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. My family is like an
assortmant of flowers from a garden: Both women and men. A: At the
work place since I was 16. B: High School and College Friends. C:
People who raised me even if they didn't have me and I call “Mom”.
You may have a dysfunctional blood family, but you can choose your
own family as well and yes they are family.
I had a fight over something
silly tonight and got all worked up. You know, telling myself Katie
your being a pain in the ass, Katie you broke a promise, Katie your a
waste of life. Yup those were my feelings a little while ago and
maybe thats why I can't sleep. Anxiety has kicked in...again. I hate
going to bed fighting because In the back of my mind is “what if
something happens over night and I can't say am sorry”. Yuck.
Tonight I left with the fight continuing.
I started the day overjoyed
with the celebration of my friendship and now I am depressed because
I got into an argument stupid one at that...See Bi Polar is kicking in. Or the OCD....
So now what? How do I go to sleep. Have you ever asked yourself that
question? I constantly stare at the clock praying it will go
backwords , which it won't and yes I know I need to be my cheery self
again in a few hours, but you know what I can't promise that and
thats okay. I know I said this blog is a positivity blog, but I
would be lying to you and myself if I said I felt okay. Did I cry
yes. Did I feel like a 5 year old, yep. Oh and it's pouring outside
for the billion time. So you know what? I am going to allow myself to
be depressed and then see how the day falls through. I just need to
keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better or at least
different.
Medication can only do so
much, but you need to push yourself as well. Just because you have a
GREAT day (manic) and then Depression sets in (depressive) it doesn't
mean your crazy. Were all crazy amd have days like this. I just
accept that mine hits a little harder than most
Have a great day today and
think positivity!!
Love one and all!
Katie
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