In Limbo...

Hi all! I know it has been forever since I have written this blog and I apologize to those who looked forward to reading it. I'll be honest. I have had mixed feelings continuing this blog. I thought being honest would be so wing that would set me free. Instead, I receive negative comments for the most part and I honestly didn't know how to respond to them. Let me back up to where I left off.

Yes is my bipolar real? Absolutely. Is it under control? Not so much. For those of you who don't know, I suffer from bipolar II. It means I don't go manically happy (sometimes I pray for), instead I am either even keeled or suicidal. Again, something I can't control. So for those of you angry at me for turning to recreational drug use, I understand. But for those of you who have felt suicidal, I would hope you show some empathy. In the beginning, it made my life manageable. It wasn't until, no longer was I having a normal life, now, it was so I wasn't so sick I couldn't get out of bed. It wasted my money, my family relations, and so much more. It was at that time,in checked into a rehab for dual diagnosis.

For ONCE! I found people who were EXACTLY like me. People with problems embedded so deep that alcohol or drugs were the only way out. I never cried so much. In fact, I had a wonderful counselor just like me who took me under my wing.  I left 30 days later, and thought that I had conquered this. I wouldn't relapse. That's for everyone else. Needless to say, about 2 weeks after leaving rehab I got violently sick, so sick they admitted me to the hospital. And what did they give me for pain? morphine. I should have said no. Even though I told them I had a problem with opiates, the thought of having it by a "doctor" seemed okay. Yup. Alllllll that work, alllllll that instruction....all those 12 step meetings went out the window. I swore to myself, when I got out, I wouldn't touch that shit again. And I was wrong. Not only that but I turned to my "I never s". I'm not going to go into details and again there is nothing I can do to change the past.

I titled this "in limbo" because that's where I stand now. I don't want to hurt my family. I don't want to let my friends down, but again the depression has hit me hard again, and there is only one thing that I want, just because I know it would pick me up and yes, I know it's wrong. So I am literally fighting an internal fight with myself. For those of you who have not been there, I know it's hard to understand. I am tired of medications, I am tired of the isolation, I fact someways I just want to throw my phone out the window.

I know God has a plan for me, I am not quite sure what it is, but I feel like all this suffering is too much to bare. I wouldn't do anything stupid, but again in limbo, feeling like I am saying the pros and cons of what to do with my life. I ask you not to judge me please but yet hear what I have to say and see if you have ever been in my shoes.

I will try to write more, although I will not make promises. I just want to apologize to all my friends and family that I have hurt, and wish you nothing but happiness and love,

Till next time,
Katie Quinn