New Haircut: New View on Life...

Good Evening,

Well All, if you look at my new profile picture, you can see I went for a major change. It's a short bob, and unfortunately, I can't upload the picture so I uploaded it to my profile picture. Then I came home to a huge box with a Gigantic Teddy Bear, a Heart Shaped Box of Chocolates, and a Dozen Red Roses. I had tears of joy. Not just because I had these materialistic things, but e card that came with it. It said "Feel Better Angel, You're important to me and many other people". I received a card from another loved one that said " Hopefully this comes as a little pick me up for you and brightens your day and puts that smile on your face that you deserve to have everyday".

I have realized, I have so many people in my life that love me and will ALWAYS be there for me.  With my new hairstyle, I really want to change the outlook on my life. I realize, although I get so depressed, I have people that truly love me. When I want to end my life cause I feel like I am a bother to other people, I get cards or gifts in the mail, and tears of happiness stream down my face.

Maybe it's the weather, or someone, but I have been having a difficult few months. The depression has been awful, the arguments with my mother, seem awful, my job situation seems hopeless. When I get depressed I feel guilty because,at least I have a home, a warm bed, clothes, and food to eat. I think of children in under privilege areas and then think to myself, "Your such a bitch. Look at all you have. Your ungrateful". Then the depression worsens.

I can't explain the mental pain I have everyday. And you know what, I am not going to sit here and write to other people who are suffering from depression, that I know what it's like for them. Cause I don't. I never will. NO ONE will no the pain your in. You can go to therapy, your best friend, and try to explain it, but don't let anyone tell you, they know what your going through.

Right now, dating is not an option, or at least serious dating. I need to focus on me and getting my meds right and such like that, and be happy with myself. I am grateful for all of you and the support you have given me. I want to thank you for spreading the word because its time for the nation to get rid of the mental illness stigma and let's focus on working on changing and fixing our issues for our minds. Be happy as much as you can, and don't take for granted the people you have in your life supporting you.

I hope you have a wonderful night and I continue to keep in touch with you all and help in whatever way I can. If you have read my other blogs, you know how to reach me. And again, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

Sincerely,
Katie Quinn

Balancing Work, Medication And Mental Illness This is Great!

Hi All,

My girlfriend sent me this. It's about a woman suffering from schizophrenia and balancing work and meditating.

Here is the link:

http://www.npr.org/2013/01/30/170667522/balancing-work-medication-and-mental-illness

Enjoy All!

Have a Good Night!

Love one and all!

Katie Quinn

I think this blog is a good one, let me know!

Good Evening Everyone,

I am so lucky to be writing this blog with a woman who shares in the pain I feel although hers is physical. I have written about her before, and I am keeping it private, but she is the most wonderful woman. She lives life in constant pain, and yet she get's up every morning and focuses on the life a head. She never looks back. Something I truly admire.

I feel extremely guilty when I complain about the mental pain I suffer. Last night, I cried to my mother, trying to explain the depression I am dealing with.  She can't understand and I can't describe my feelings to the point of which she can. I feel guilty because I can't understand the pain she is going through.

Last night was particularly hard. I was thinking about the fact, I don't feel comfortable having children at least not at this point. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. There are days I just cry and cry and lay in bed. There are days I can't fall asleep because I don't want to wake up in the morning, scared feeling the depression is going to come back. How can I bring a child into this world feeling like this? I am 29, I am not getting any younger. I love children. I think they are the most precious miracle that God created. I also want to get married. What if that man wants children? I want children, but right now I can barely take care of myself at times. I WANT CHILDREN! I WANT THIS ILLNESS TO GO AWAY!!!DISAPPEAR. Why can't we find a cure for this? Or more important why does the government make it so much money to work on mental illness. People die everyday committing suicide, or kill other people because their not in the right frame of mind.

Mental Illness is no joke. I am going to Outpatient Therapy and the bills are just going to add up.  I have been offered positions and then when we go to schedule the interview, suddenly the job is taken or there is a temporary freeze. I can't tell you how important this blog is to me. Yes I am glad it helps others, but its therapeutic to me. But it makes me wonder how many employers read this. Do they read this and think, "She is a crazy one, lets not hire her".

What people don't know is I am DAMN good at my job and proud of it.  It makes me feel good that I help other people. I am a DAMN good employee and I am not just trying to pat myself on the back, but I hate that this stigma could possibly the demise of me not getting a job that I want or even deserve.

I don't want Bipolar disorder.  I don't want to have the urges to take medications not prescribed to me. I want the old Katie back and I want her back now.  I want a normal life and I want to stop dating losers.  I always date people that have issues because I think I can help them and then they screw me over. I have a $500.00 bill that I bought tires for a friend who told me his kids were in danger,because his tires were so bad. He promised to pay me back, and now I am stuck with a bill and an incredibly high interest rate. With no job. Yup I am that girl and I hate myself for it. I don't want to be on unemployment, I want to be that girl that has a real life, and a good one at that.

I know there is no cure, but I will be damned to not allow it to ruin my life. That is why I am going to outpatient therapy services. I will go to the moon and back.  And maybe, just maybe God will grant me an angel that will give me a good job, a man in my life that will understand my disease and for me to understand how to take care of it, possibly be able to be stable enough to have a child.

Thank you for continuing to read my blog and contacting me. As you know, someone reported me as spamming my information, so for 15 days I can't post my blog, so I please ask you to share this with as many people as possible, get the word out.  I can't thank you all enough. I love you to death and appreciate your continuing support.

Love One and All,
Katie Quinn, 

Strangers who become friends and work issues.

Hi all! I just want to thank a special person, who has contacted me on helping me getting the blog updated and ready and hopefully I will be able to put on more valuable information. I am so grateful for all your comments. Right now, I am suffering from depression again. You know it sucks when you confide in them and they think they are helping but their not. That's why I am choosing to go back to therapy.

I am a person that needs to be going at all times. I can't even watch a TV show and sit still. So being unemployed right now is driving me crazy, although I do have a job interview coming up next week. I'm nervous about the stress. How many of you out there get high anxiety at work and then run for your meds? But then you take your meds and then you look dopey and your employers question you. I am really good at my job, but I handle stress and anxiety hard. I always want to reach for a Klonopin, but don't want that dopey look.

Having anxiety can make it hard for people to even have a job. I'm scared that I can't have children because I don't want my children to be as messed up as I am. I do believe it is genetic. Don't let this disorder rule your life. Try new things, push yourself to do something you never did.

I contacted the therapy place and as soon as I get a start date, I'll let you know. Hopefully I will be more helpful.

Love One and All,
Katie Quinn

New life beginning...

Good Morning,

Well I thought I would write this morning. I want to thank those who have been sharing my link with friends and family, and I really appreciate it. I also want to thank those who have shared my link since I can't do it myself for 15 days because apperently I was "spamming" 'which is something I was not trying to do.

Right now I live at home. I used to live with roommates but unfortunately, things didn't work out and I moved home. I made stupid decisions, and now paying for them, but at least I am learning from my mistakes. My mom loves me dearly, but she can't comprehend what I am going through. She admits that. She doesn't understand I just want to be happy, but a pill isn't going to do it. I am excited for the fact I have 2 job interviews next week. I don't mean to pat myself on the back, but I am one hell of a recruiter and staffing expert. The reason I am not at my old company is because I broke my foot there and they refused to help me for the 6 weeks I was out (it was my right foot so I couldn't drive).

Anyway, my workmans comp case just got settled which is great, but I am still trying to fix my unemployment, which will be fixed, I'm not concerned. But again, money is something I struggle with. I am not manically spending, I can't even afford the things I simply need to live my life.

The reason I bring all this crap up and I am sorry if it is long winded, but since my mom and I are having issues, I am looking to find either an apartment or a 1 room area, where I can have my independence. My mom doesn't trust me and I don't blame her from my past. But now it's time to move forwards, and I need to live by myself one on one. No roomates to answer to, just e chance to be independent.

So I am not in an intensive outpatient service for my bipolar, hopefully get my meds changed to something more manageable. There is an apartment my dad knows of that Ncould live in for a cheap price, but its in the middle of nowhere, which at first made me hate the idea. Now, I am thinking it will teach me to be independent and take control of my life again, and most importAntly grow up. Plus the strain on my moms relationship at this point, me being out of the house might work out for the best.

So it is a wait and see. Cross your fingers that I can get this unemployment squared away.

Thanks.

Love one and All
Katie Quinn

P.s.~~> Any donations you can send will go to Bipolar awareness. not me.  I don't take charity, it's just something I am passionate about and want to get rid of the stigma.

Angels all around us...

I just want to thank you all for the feedback, your comments, and your expressions. Very sweet and making me feel better about writing this blog. An angel came through for me today. You know who you are.

Starting tonight, I am writing short term list of things I want to accomplish as the days pass on. The reason I am doing a short term list is because we all know that New Years resolutions may start of for a week, but then we stop. So starting tomorrow, I want to get myself Ina regular bed schedule, make sure I am taking my medications at the correct time, and again, start outpatient services. It's scary to think how much money I put in towards medical bills and therapy services. Ugh it's not fair. Mental Illness should be free, because those people need the help the most especially those who have severe anxiety and depression, because it can be dangerous.especially those who are suicidal.

Like I said, I am suffering from bipolar 2. I rarely have manic episodes and when I was suffimg from substance abuse it gave me the feeling of being normal. I want to add an article I find interesting:

Here is the article between substance abuse and BiPolar:

"According to the most recent literature on substance abuse and bipolardisorder, these two problems occur together so frequently that all young people with a bipolar diagnosis should also be assessed for drug and alcohol problems. Those who experience mixed states or rapid cycling have the highest rate of danger from substance abuse — the discomfort a person feels in these chaotic moods is so great that she may be willing to do or take almost anything to make it stop.

Some drugs, including marijuana, downers, alcohol, and opiates, seem to temporarily blunt the effects of mood swings, only to cause ill effects later. Others can actively exacerbate manic depression. Speed (methamphetamine, crank, crystal) and cocaine are two that have sent many abusers into mania, often followed quickly by deep depression and psychotic symptoms. Hallucinogens, including LSD and PCP, can set off psychotic symptoms as well. These drugs are not a good idea for any child or teenager, but their effects on young people with bipolar disorders can be even worse.

As with suicide, accidents, and SIB, the best approach to substance abuse is prevention. First, take a look at your own example: if you find that drugs or alcohol have become important coping strategies for you, seek immediate treatment. Talk to your child about responsible use of alcohol, for example, a glass of wine with a special meal, or a cold beer on a hot day at the ball game. Point out examples of inappropriate or excessive use, from street alcoholics to news stories about young people in trouble due to drug use or drunken driving. You really don’t have to preach, just provide a good example and accurate information to counteract the messages your child will receive from ads, pop culture, and peers.

When a person first begins to try drugs or alcohol, there’s still time to stop without involving a detox center or other strong measures. She needs to think about why she has chosen to try alcohol or drugs, such as feeling self-conscious in social situations or inability to handle peer pressure; other activities that might have the same positive effects, such as improving her social skills; and ways to avoid temptation, including choosing a different peer group or steering her friends toward something other than bong hits and beer bashes. These are issues that can be discussed with a parent or a counselor.

Most teens will attend a wild party or two, out of curiosity or boredom if nothing else. You may be able to prevent them from coming to harm even when they’ve made a bad choice. Many families have drawn up a contract with their children, promising that they will retrieve them from a dangerous situation at any hour, with no lecture to follow. Let them know that while they may make some poor judgment calls, you’re available to come to their rescue.

You may also need to actively help kids whose peers are fixated on drinking and drugs to find other ways to spend their time. This negative aspect of youth culture isn’t just a big-city phenomenon by the way–small towns and rural areas, with their lack of activities and places to go, can have 

extraordinarily high rates of drinking and drug use among teens. The drug and alcohol problems of suburban youth are often covered up, but they’re there in force, spurred by lack of supervision after school, access to cash, and easy mobility.

When substance abuse progresses in frequency or seriousness, or when highly dangerous drugs are involved, early intervention is essential. Experts in treating children and teenagers with a dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and substance abuse or bipolar disorder and substance dependency say success depends on appropriate medication; education about their psychiatric condition, psychiatric medications, and the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse; and close monitoring. Lithium has proven to greatly reduce or eliminate substance abuse in as many as 75 percent of dual-diagnosis youth with a bipolar disorder. It can be assumed that when other types of mood stabilizers are tested, they will show at least some positive effect on substance abuse as well. Twelve-step programs such as AA are important for reaching and maintaining recovery.

Although some sources recommend treating the substance abuse first, mostly because drugs and alcohol can have severe interactions with the medication used to treat manic depression, both really need to be addressed at once. Obviously, a person who is not sober is unable to adhere to the lifestyle changes, medication regime, and therapyappointments needed to hold back mood swings. At the same time, most bipolar substance abusers drink or use drugs partly to self-medicate their symptoms, and they may misuse their prescription medications as well.

Drug treatment programs, including inpatient detox centers, are beginning to be more knowledgeable about working with bipolar patients. If your child will be going to a drug treatment program, make sure that its clinical staff is fully aware of the implications of his illness, and that appropriate medication management and psychiatric expertise will be available.

Most detox centers say that about a month is needed to break a true addiction’s physical grasp, and it takes a year of sobriety before an addict can honestly feel mentally comfortable without his substance of abuse. Relapses are common until several years of sobriety have been achieved, and can present severe dangers, including suicide. The earlier a drug or alcohol user seeks effective treatment, however, the more likely he is to achieve complete freedom from substance abuse without progressing to substance dependency.

Many addicts use self-help resources like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), or Rational Recovery to get and stay sober. In these programs, people attend regular meetings to talk about their addiction problems and offer each other support. Former substance abusers who have gotten clean act as mentors to newcomers. Generally speaking, these 12-step programs are an excellent resource for drug and alcohol users in recovery. There are special groups for teens, although many experts recommend teens attend mixed-age groups. Participants in 12-step programs are paired with sponsors who can help them deal with temptation, social pressure, old behavior patterns, and the stress of meeting new expectations.

There are also adjunct groups for the families of addicts. Family support groups can really help you make it through this difficult period. You’ll learn many strategies for helping your child on the road to recovery. Families Anonymous is one with many local chapters.

The only down side of 12-step programs is that a few former addicts are against using prescription medications for brain disorders, seeing them as simply a legal substitute for street drugs or alcohol. This is not an official policy of AA or NA, by the way. To make sure a particular 12-step group doesn’t have this orientation, talk to one of the group’s long-term members or to its institutional

 sponsor, if any.

Love one and All,

Katie Quinn

My promise to you for those suffering Depression and Anxiety. Please share this page

And they say

She's in the Class A Team

Stuck in her daydream

Been this way since 18

But lately her face seems

Slowly sinking, wasting

Crumbling like pastries

And they scream

The worst things in life come free to us

Cos we're just under the upperhand

And go mad for a couple of grams

And she don't want to go outside tonight

And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland

Or sells love to another man

It's too cold outside

For angels to fly

Angels to fly

Ripped gloves, raincoat

Tried to swim and stay afloat

Dry house, wet clothes

Loose change, bank notes

Weary-eyed, dry throat

Call girl, no phone

I don't know how many people have heard this song but its beautiful and I relate to it in many ways. I have been suffering with BiPolar disorder since about 18. I often dream of the days when I will be "normal" or normal to me. Right now, I am on a downward slope and that is why I am going to check into an outpatient clinic Monday to work especially hard on controlling my bipolar. Unlike this song, I'm not a call girl or smoke a pipe haha, but I did have a substance abuse, for the mental pain. I still feel like if it works for me, then why not? It's not illegal, but I know it's not good for me. And I have stopped. Have I had relapses...yup. Even somewhat recently. Do you Know what this does to my parents, friends and family? It kills them, and it kills me for doing it to them. And then I get depressed. And the battle begins again.

I know some of you who read this cant comprehend what my feelings are or how to understand me properly and I apologize for that.  But for those of you who can understand, I appreciate your feedback. As you know someone posted that my bipolar was spam so I can't put this on Facebook sites unless they allow it. So I ask you if you know anyone suffering or just feels similar to how I feel. Share. I wish I could write more often, but life has taken a different turn on me. And with the outpatient treatment I hope I learn more.

Severe Depression and Anxiety is painful. I don't care what any book says. Mental pain can be just as bad as physical pain. Why do you think there is such high suicide rates? Please if you learn anything from my blogs, please get the help. There is government aid if you don't have the money. I have been blessed with funding to do it. And it's because I'm just like you. Nothing to do with looks or physical appearances. We're all in this boat together. Feel free to write to me, via Facebook, email or my physical address which I will put at the bottom of this. I have been hanging up your wonderful inspirations and thank your in my room. It gives me great feeling not just that I have helped someone but because your helping my spirits too. I'll write more tomorrow.

Love one and All,

Katie Quinn

Katiequinn20@yahoo.com

My address is: 226 Lexington Rd, Schwenksville PA, 19473.

Please don't abuse the information I'm giving you. I don't need stalkers lol. If anyone is close in the area, feel free to reach out and I'll meet you. Again, I want to make one of those live strong like bracelets for bipolar, so any donations will be gratefully accepted.

Thank you!

Someone on Facebook reported me for spamming, so I can not put up on Facebook for 15 days. it's a shame, because it as only to help people. THANK YOU!!! For your support and please pass this along. Thank you!!!

Appreciation needed,,,

In order for me to keep this blog up and running it does cost me money. If you are interested in making a donation to keep this blog up and running, a small donation would help Please make the check out to Catharine Quinn at 226 Lexington Rd, Schwenksville, Pa 19473. I am trying to keep this blog ad free and by your small donation it will stay that way.

******* If could add a card or letter saying how my page has affected you, I'd appreciate it. It gives me more ideas of what to write.******

THANK YOU!!!

p.s sorry I don't have a Paypal account and all donations will go to make this page possible along with possible accessories I can sell on this site. Like I said any small donation will help.

THE SEVERE PAIN OF DEPRESSION!!!

Hello all. I am sorry I have not been keeping up with this blog as daily as I had promised, but its been a frustrating week. I have been having a severe depression week. Including suicidal thoughts. Nothing is making me happy no matter how hard I try to put a smile on my face. I even went back to the substance I abused to see if it would help. Nothing. I've decided to go to outpatients therapy services one that will also help me keep me from running to substances when I feel suicidal, but also a clinic that deals with my bipolar. Unfortunately, the medication I have been on seems not to be working, at least not anymore.

I named this blog "BiPolar Success" well I have had some setbacks. No one trust me and let me tell you why. My mother constantly asked why I lie to her, but if I tell her the truth I get screamed at, if I lie, I get screamed at. So what's the point. I know I have hurt her and other members of my family and I apologize for that. But people do not understand the major mental pain I go through Morning and night. It can happen at anytime. But recently more often than less. Do you know what it feels like to wishing you never woke up at the age of 28? Or the fact I would love to be a mother but I still can't take care of myself? Or have people tell me its all in my head, and 'just get over it'. I may not have horrible physical pain that some have but the mental pain is unbearable. I would go into inpatient therapy, but I need to have some sort of life, Something. I want to work, I want to have a life, I want to find love but most of all I want the hurt to stop.

No I am not shooting up heroin or doing illegal activities, I would never do that. And I don't do this all the time, it's just not me. But the pain is horrible. Depression is horrible. So I am turning to you all for help.

Anyone who reads this that has severe depression not moderate, I am talking severe. As well as severe mental pain on a daily basis. Please contact me privately either through Facebook, or Katiequinn20@yahoo.com and please contact me on the medications you are currently on and dosage. Also Drs or clinics in PA please that you have heard that works. I could really use your help, before I do something stupid.

Love One and All,

Katie Quinn
Katiequinn20@yahoo.com
215-272-7609

Guilt...

I guess it's only write this at 11:21PM at night. Ever since I wrote that blog about trust and lies, my body seems to be reliving every lie I have ever done and now I can't fall asleep. I feel like I need to go to confession or somehow go back in time and fix these things. I made so any stupid decisions in my life that I truly regret. Family and friends, things I've done to hurt myself.

I am a picker. You see I don't feel like I am a pretty person. I don't feel pretty inside. I don't feel anything inside. Sometimes I take pins to my face and cut through the skin just for relief. It doesn't even hurt when I do it. Yes my psychologist knows this and I have to admit I have been doing well for awhile.

See some days I write these blogs and I am in good moods and want everyone to share them with me. But this is my real bipolar. E hatred ness for myself on the inside and the outside. I spent THOUSANDS of dollars paying for other people's needs starting in high school to my Ex's 500.00 tires he had to have because the others weren't safe for his children. I paid for them and he promised to pay me back,  but not only did he not pay me back, his family abused me, and here I am broke. I always thought giving to other people, would bring good karma my way. I paid for a friend who drove his car into a ditch and needed for the tow truck, money I'll never see and on top of it he was drunk which I didn't know at the time.

I thought I could love myself by doing things for other people and didn't think about myself. Unfortunately, I find myself worthless in this world. I have made so many bad decisions in my life, I don't know why I was brought onto earth. Now it's 11:33 and I am no where closer to feeling any better or wanting to go to sleep.

Every time I clothes my eyes, I think of something wrong with myself. I choose to have scars on my body because it makes me feel like " we'll people just don't like me because of my scars". It's disturbing how many holes I have put in my face out of anger of myself. I feel sick to my stomach just writing this. I've turned into a person, I never wanted to be and although I can change the future, I can't change the past. And that makes me angry. I can't date someone right now because I don't love myself in fact, I am not sure I love myself at all.

So here I am the real Katie, the one who's depression comes out at night. I just got my meds changed to Seroquil XR which made me tired earlier, but now my conscious is keeping me awake of the things that I can't change. So I will end with this:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Sincerely,

Katie Quinn

Trust and Lies

Trust. It's not something you get right away, and its something you earn. And it's very easy to lose. At some points in my life, I have lost trust with my parents and my friends. It's something I am still working on. You know throughout my life, lying became easier and easier to me. When I was in Catholic School, I couldn't lie to save my life. In Catholic school they instilled in you you were going to hell if you lied, so until 8th grade I was straight laced. Than I went to public high school and was beginning little white lies. When I had substance abuse it was flat out lies. Not only was I lying, I was lying like a pro. Sometimes I believed the lie was the truth. It suddenly became do easy to me. And now I have to live with a mother who straight out will tell me She doesn't believe a word I say...ever.

Reasons why I lie to her, is whether or not I tell her the truth or a lie, if she disagrees with me, she screams at me so its gotten to the point it doesn't matter. I don't want to lie, but it seems no matter what I say, if its not her way, she screams at me.

It scares me how easily lying has come to me and now I am making a conscious attempt to tell the truth no matter how much it hurts. the thing is, I don't lie to everyone, but I admit I have made the occasional white lies and for that I am sorry. I don't want to become that person. So I deeply apologize to anyone whom I have lied to in the past.

The reason I bring this topic up is because I think we lie to ourselves more than anyone else. We tell each other we're working on things in our life which we aren't. Making promises to ourselves that we don't keep. And I'm not just talking about New Years Resolutions. Anyway, I am really going to try to be more honest with people and I sincerely apologize to anyone I have lied to in the past. Consciously, telling the truth will help us live a better life and we all want people to trust us.

I am sorry I haven't written lately, I was a way on vacation. But I am back and ready to be there for no one who needs me and I HONESTLY mean that. please feel free to contact me at anytime either through Facebook or posted comments on here and I will do my best to answer you.

Thank you for reading this. It means a lot to me that you all care enough to learn about my life and I hope it can give you some peace within you. You guys are great. Thank you again.

Sincerely,

Katie Quinn

Ever changing...

You know what I did last night? Change my mind, every 5 sec. Yup how frustrating is that. I am trying to get A grip on what I want to do with my life. And every 5 sec, a change. I also was thinking of what kind of people I want to do with the people in my life. Questioning if they are good for me.

I actually saw a program for experimental drugs for bipolar. I'm considering doing it. It's a 10 day program, and I'll do anything to help me with this disease.  I also realized, that some people on here although are wonderful and asking for advice and wanting to talk to me about their issues, I hope no one is offended by this, but I just want to be a friend that someone can lean on about their questions or how their feeling and be there for them. A the same time, I am not looking for anything more than that at this time. Right now I am concentrating on getting myself healthy. I hope you understand.

So I hope everyone had a good day today, I am sorry this is short, but I wanted to post something today. I hope you all know you can come to with any issues you might have. I am always available and I appreciate all of your comments and texts and email. I love you all!

Sincerely,
Katie Quinn

A condition with no cure....

I just spent the night with with a woman who like me, has a condition with no cure. This girl has a condition that has holes in her bladder and a disease that continues to deteriorate that. Se can't eat or drink certain foods or drinks and yet she is a trooper who refuses not to work, to get up and get out and all she dreams about is on her wedding day she feels ok. She has to get treatments that are so painful she forgets who she is or where she is, and yet each week she continues to go. She is my hero.

My disease has no cure. In fact my medication usually changes ever time I visit my therapist. It's a constant chance of will this work? The pain my girlfriend goes through is considered being like a stage 4 cancer. She won't die from the disease but for the rest of her life she will battle this disease.

What people don't understand is that I have severe pain too, although mine is mental. When I had my substance abuse problem, I was able to feel euphoria, at least to me, and feel like everyone else. The depression disappeared, I was able to get up and do things, and felt wonderful. Although it was a prescription, it's still something they don't give to people with bipolar and to this day I can't understand why. I understand the addictiveness, and I realize maybe people don't agree with it, but there has always been the discussion with marijuana and look how times are changing.

She is a hero in my eyes and how she deals with pain she has, I don't know. How she doesn't have depression, I don't know. But she is a strong wonderful woman and I wish I could be just as strong.
It's so hard to deal with diseases with no cure. Only treatments. Some painful, some tolerable.

I hope some day that their is more research done on bipolar and every other illness as well. I hope that there are days that I don't feel like putting one foot in front of the other wont be painful. That there are days I don't cry myself to sleep. Ad the one thing I wish most of all is that I can feel the same way everyday. Some days I'm strong and thing, I am gonna do this. And then the next day my brain says 'well that's stupid, what was I thinking??? I'll do this instead. It's like each day I feel a different way, and I HATE THAT!!!

I want to throw a party or something similar to raise money for bipolar awareness. I'm thinking of doing it with my girlfriend whom I was talking about earlier. If anyone could donate something for a silent auction it would be much appreciated and ill let you know where this mixer will be located. Maybe get the chance to meet you all.

Thank you and Love to One and All,

Katie Quinn

My opinion on gun control....

Good Afternoon,

I apologize for not writing yesterday, as I spent it with one of my families. I wanted to touch base on the Assault Ban issue. I really don't want to get into my opinion as I am so heated about the issue. The reason I want to touch base on this position, is I was just watching CNN, I am a politics junkie, anyway, he stated " it's the people with mental issues that are the problem, not the guns". How DARE he say that. You know, many people have mental issues and this is what carries the stigma and why people won't go and get help because their afraid to admit they have a problem.

There are millions of people who have issues mental or not. The only way people will get the proper help is that they accept the fact they have a problem and go and get help. But that damn stigma gets in the way. I was wondering if anyone has seen the movie Silver Linings with Bradley Cooper in it. I haven't yet but will be seeing it shortly.

People with mental or physical illness suffer. The only difference is people feel bad with physical illnesses because its something that can't be seen. 26 adults and children were killed in Sandy Hook. According to the news the mother, was going to commit her son cause she knew he had a problem. Maybe if he knew what he was feeling was not normal, and that going for help would be the answer, not killing. But I often think was he scared to talk to someone? Was he bullied because of his differences? How long was this going on?

I am not an advocate of a killer. I am an advocate of helping people who have the issues, to get the help they need. We need to stop the "stigma" and embrace those people so they get the help they need. It's time that the world, focuses on Mental Illness as an Illness, just like any other Illness someone might have, just in the brain. Like Autism, has become a huge illness that we focus on, we need to focus on the other mental illnesses as well. Stop making fun or bullying so that people can get treatment. and a stigma to not be an issue anymore.

Love One and All,

Katie Quinn

Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.

Im asking all of you to listen to Little Talks by of Monsters Of Men. Listen to the woman speaking. This is what I deal with everyday. Infact I am sure all of us can relate to this song. It's amazing.

I am lucky to have so many "families". I'm not just talking on my moms side or dads side, but those special people that always make you feel welcome and accept you for who you are. I am talking about the pets that you love as much as your own, the ones who set a place for you for dinner, the ones that want you at the hospital as they have a baby! That family. It's not just a friend you can go out to dinner with. Their great and you may talk to them all the time. It's the families that don't care your in sweatpants, no makeup, tear stained, exhausted and can cuddle up on the couch at anytime of day.

We don't take the time to appreciate those who take us in when they don't have to. The one who you can run to get a hug from or cry with.  They may not be blood but they are family. I am lucky to have many sets of separate families. More than I can count on one hand.

It's really important to have those families. Sometimes your blood families, you may not get along with. Or they have opinions of you. Or they think you should be someone your not. I love my blood families. They mean the world to me, but the "families" I have created, I feel like I have such a special bond.

Sometimes you just need to get out of the house, get in your car, and scream till you have no voice left. Or it's pouring rain in the summer and you run out into the rain so it will mesh with the tears your really crying. Then there are times you think of that special family. Some place you can run to and feel loved.

I feel sorry for people who don't have it. But it's not too late to start. Or be that one persons family you can run to. Put that extra chair and table setting at your house "just in case". Be that persons family. It can mean the world to that person. To me, it is...at least.

I want to thank my extra families out there. The thread to their pocket and button, the house that has a shelf of my pictures growing up...my own shelf..and I am not their grandchild. My Lucy that has that horrible blue toy...you know what I'm talking about....my electronic smoking family with their three beautiful children who let me sleep in their unsecured loft...My MHC family, you know who you are since I have the tattoo that you all were supposed to get..but didn't. Thanks..by the way that's sarcasm. And of course My Sister from another mother with a beautiful son and fantastic pool and wine selection!

I love you all..and thank you. I don't say it enough....

Love one and all,

Katie Quinn

What is Major Depression?

Good Afternoon,

Wow a busy day to say the least. I hope all is well with you. I wanted to share 3 more true or false questions with you today.

4. All you need to do to stay well is take you medication everyday?

FALSE. There is a lot more to managing bipolar disorder than taking medication. Unfortunately, even when people take their medications very consistently, other things like stress, illness, or even change of season can cause symptoms to return. When symptoms return, most people don't function at work, with their families, or with their friends. Medication can help to control the symptoms, but it doesn't fix the problems at work or home. Special symptom and life management skills are needed to fill the gaps where medication does not do the trick.

5. There is nothing you can do to stop depression or mania once it starts?

FALSE. In addition to taking medication, there are a number of things to help control the symptoms of depression and mania.

6. Sleep loss can trigger a manic episode?

TRUE. Losing consistent nighttime sleep puts people at risk for becoming manic. People who have Bipolar disorder tend to be night people more than morning people. However, staying up later than usual and getting less sleep seems to spur manic episodes or make it worse once mania has begun.

Last thing, and this is for EVERYONE, is a quick note about Depression.

What is major DEPRESSION?

Most people have suffered through episodes of depression as well as mania. There are many forms and subtypes of depression, but one that people with mental illness is called major depression. The word major isn't intended to imply that the depression is terrible or the worst possible type; it is used simply to distinguish this diagnosable depression from minor depressions that everyone else has. Clinicians usually refer to major depression in people with mental illness. They call it "unipolar depression" in people who have never had mania. "Unipolar" means "one end". This means you feel the lows of major depression.

I hope that this is informative for everyone. I also would love your feedback in the fact, should I continue to post everyday in groups about my blog? Or at this point have you saved my blog and I can just update it daily without posting it everywhere? What are your thoughts? I hope all is well!

Love to One and All,

Katie Quinn

Focusing on All Illness not just 1

Good Evening,

I wanted to express some of the True or False Questions located in the BiPolar Workbook. Some of these questions seem obvious, but I am going to do 3 a day, and you can decide for yourselves.

1. Bipolar can cause both depression and mania?

TRUE. Most people who have bipolar disorder have episodes of depression and mania throughout their lives. Some may have more depression. Some may have more episodes of mania. Everyone's symptoms are a little different.

2. You can be depressed and manic at the same time?

TRUE. This is called a 'mixed' episode. During mixed episodes people can feel wound up, have racing thoughts and difficulty sitting still, as in mania, but feel down, hopeless, and suicidal, as in depression. Mixed states can also alternate quickly between depression and mania, each lasting only hours or a few days. They can be difficult to diagnose because they don't look like typical episodes of depression or mania.

3. Medications are necessary to control the symptoms of bipolar disorder

TRUE. Although  many people prefer to "tough it out" periods of depression and mania without medications, it's clear that control of the illness and prevention of future relapses depend on effective medication management. Most people prefer not to take medication and, in fact, have a lot of trouble sticking with a medication regimen for long periods of time.

These are taken from the "Bipolar Workbook". I understand many of you do not suffer from BiPolar. However, for those of you who do have it, I hope you understand that many of us suffer from many different types of disorders. To me depression is a disorder if it occurs on a somewhat regular basis it's something to discuss with a doctor. Sometimes a simple anti depression medication is all it takes.

I also am aware that some people are against taking medication and I get that. I am not trying to force medications down your throat. Sometimes, a simple yoga class, or a day at the gym or a good book can help. There are some natural supplements that can help as well. I found melatonin can help with sleeplessness, and Valeria for relaxation although it does have a really funky smell.

I am proud that people have taken interest in my blog. I write for therapy for myself, but also for the hope I can help at least one person out. I am starting to take some walks during the day, for me to think, figure out what the next step of my life will be and so on. I wish I could be like some of you with the ability to mediate and find a quiet place within yourself. That's something I am looking towards, and I look forward to seeing how all of you handle the new year.

This blog will not be completely about bipolar, although I know most of my blogs have been so. I have been studying other illness's that I can talk about to, because I feel, all of us share a little bit of everything. We all share moments of happiness and sadness. Days that are blah, days we are shy. Days we are outgoing and others we just want to stay inside.

Anyways, I hope you all have seen my new Facebook page that I am specifically saving for my blog post. I hope you all will join. It's something that I am looking forward to build. Thank you all. Your wonderful.

Sincerely,

Katie Quinn

NEW FACEBOOK PAGE! PLEASE READ

HI ALL! I MADE A NEW FACEBOOK PAGE JUST FOR THIS BLOG! FROM NOW ON TO SEE MY BLOG I WILL BE POSTED ON HERE!

SAVE THIS LINK:

http://m.facebook.com/home.php?_rdr#!/katie.quinn.982845?refid=17

THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT! Can't wait to meet my new friends!!!

Katie Quinn

Letting go...

Have you ever had a multiple of something important, and then your down to the last one? That's what happened to me today. I have one of the last important things to me, that I won't see again for quite awhile. If you don't mind I'd like to keep this private so please don't ask questions.

I remember when I was younger, probably around the age of 10. My mom and I had a yard sale and we sold off all of my Barbies. Now it had been years since I played with them, and I knew they were going to good homes for other children to play with, but I had such history playing with those dolls. I am sure all women out there having a Barbie and playing hair dresser ( yea like the hair was going to grow back).

I often think of the things that I had when I was younger, but no longer I have. There are so many things that I have had to let go of. Some good some bad.  Some material things, some friends or family. It's a sad, but yet somewhat happy feeling. It's a great thing to have closure. When I lost my grandfather in February, I was there for the last week of his life. There were a lot of tears, but I got to say all the things that needed to be said.

A lot of times with my depression I think of things I had that I don't have anymore. It's sad, but again somewhat happy. Some of the times I think of old boyfriends that I had and wonder what went wrong. Sometimes, I think I am so happy that I didn't stay with them. It's very frustrating sometimes.

All I am saying is how even when you only have one last thing and its time to give it away, it can be good for closure. Sometimes you have to let things go to move forward to the positive parts of life. I am hoping that happens for me, and for all of you. Im not being cliche but the saying "If you love something let it go, if it comes back its yours, if its not, it was never meant to be".

Love one and all,

Katie Quinn

Friends Vs. Strangers

Good Afternoon,

Today I spoke with someone today who confided in me that its hard to express to friends the illness she has. I use the word illness, because those who have depression, bipolar, and such. It's something that I feel that everyone issues should be kept private and I have always promised confidentiality with everyone.

Many times when we get a diagnosis of whatever it might be even not a diagnosis, just something that we tend to talk to our friends. Friends are great. True friends try to put themselves in our shoes and try to give their opinion or offer how they can help. But it's difficult for them to really understand and for you to explain. That's why I feel it's best to talk to strangers or people who are going what your going through because sometimes they can give the best advice.

I know myself, it's difficult to put yourself out there. I HATE going to see therapists. I don't feel that they don't quite understand what's going on as much training as they have. That's my opinion. That's why I enjoy writing my blog. I am able to share what I am feeling and yet, although from the heart, it's up to those who read this, to see if they can share my experiences.

I am not saying friends aren't helpful. I can't tell you how many friends have spent hours on the phone while I cry over what seems to be nothing. Or those who have invited me to their homes and talked and hugged me. And let me tell you, I truly appreciate it.

So Friends Vs. Strangers. It's a decision for all of us to make. To me my blog is my therapy. I am very excited that its touch so many people and many of these strangers have now become my friends, and I love having these new people in my life.

So maybe strangers can become friends, friends who truly understand what is going on in ones life. I really feel that anyone suffering from any mental condition can find someway to help "ease" the situation. In no way am I saying  it is a cure. What I am saying is that, whether its through being on medications, going to therapy, speaking to friends, or speaking to "strangers" you can begin to understand, you are not alone. You never will be, there are so many people struggling out there and all they need is a "friend" or "stranger".

I hope this helps. I wish you all the happiest in the world. Thank you for reading my blog. Again, please feel free to find me on Facebook as I know many of you have already have found me. My name is Katie Quinn , my e-mail is katiequinn20@yahoo.com. Please feel free to contact me at anytime day or night. I am a "stranger" that does care.

Thank you all.

Katie Quinn

New Chapters...

Tonight I decided to clean out my closet. Cleaning out the old with the new. I was trying to make room for new clothes I received for Christmas, now I am struggling looking at old pictures of old boyfriends, cards of happiness that now have ended, new chapters are begining in my life. These are new chapters that I am carving off as I go along.

People act like starting new chapters in life are easy, as if you can just throw the past away. I see old boyfriends, with new girlfriends, some of which I thought I was going to marry, that are now pregnant with their new girlfriends. People who I dated that have moved on so easily, it makes me sick. How come I look at the past and think the reasons they didn't work out are my mistakes? I feel every relationship that ended with me, was my fault. I did something wrong. I dated someone who got so drunk and was angry with me and when I chose to leave the house because of it, he swung at me and broke his finger on the door he hit. And I sit here thinking of the happier memories and say why did I leave? Someone who got so angry with me he almost hit me and I chose to leave because I dont believe in domestic abuse, but still I am upset with myself like what did I do to make him want to hit me.

I have built a wall up so strong it's made of steel, or brick, or cement whatever you want to call it. I recently been involved in a relationship, but I can't put myself out there. I don't know if I ever will. I am 28 years old and my biological clock is ticking. I eventually do want a child. But I have this disease, something that comes on quicker than a switch. How can I dare put a child involved in a situation like this?! But I was lucky to be with my best friend during her 3rd pregnancy. Her daughter was born c-section and I got the honor of staying at the hospital with her and her family during her hospital stay. I was up at 3 and 5AM with this baby hours old in my arms, cradling her back to sleep. Of course part of my maternal instinct was kicking in.

Bringing up my illness publicly was hard enough. Bringing it up with someone I could possibly marry in the future, twice as difficult. I want a strong hold of my problems so in case I do have a child, obviously my medications are going to have to change. I can't sleep till 1:00PM. I know that when or if I do get pregnant, my life will change, and I am hoping my body adjusts itself. Right now it's just so hard to wrap my head around.

Anyway, back to changing the old out with the new is a good first step. I have on my mirror now, "It's Time To Act Like An Adult". I am going to look at it everyday and hope that it helps to change my life. Maybe that cement wall I have will tumble down eventually. Until then, I am going to embrace, what life has to offer, especially the positivity. Thank you for your accepting me for who I am, and I appreciate your feedback. Of course it's night and my thoughts are toward the negative side. Again, I am going to work on the positivity just as I suggest you all do as well.  Thanks again!

Love to One and All,

Katie Quinn

A Day of Cold...

- lady in waiting -

isn't she so pretty

as she waits beside the door

looking out the window

wishing to see more

so peacefully the day goes by

and slowly turns to night

there are no arms to hold her

and keep her from her fright

in a world so full of people

she feels but all alone

no one stops to listen

to the voices of her soul

the ears around her listen

but no one seems to care

of the tenderness and beauty

of the lady waiting there

I read this and thought of some of the women who have been posting lately. I want you all to know I can relate. I hate the fact that so many people are suffering from sadness and depression. Especially this time of year. At least in the East, it's been cold and miserable. I can't put my feet in the sand, I look forward to the time when the sun shines bright and l feel the warmth on my body. 

I hate the fact that the night comes and the depression kicks in. I constantly ask why? How on earth can my body can have racing thoughts when 8:00-9:00 PM comes around. I re read the post I wrote last night about drama. I keep asking myself, would I have written that if  it was during the day? Although, I truly believe, that I what I wrote is the gods honest truth, I just feel I would be more positive if I wrote this during the day. 

I stopped taking the one anti-depressant, because it really to me wasn't helping me. It also doesn't help, whatever feelings I do have, will always be with me. I wish you all the best. I truly hope that I can help others and I feel your pain you are all feeling, and I hope you all know your thoughts mean the world to me and its therapy for me already knowing you read this and care for me as well. Like I always say, I am there for you all, to talk at anytime. I just hope you know, I share the feelings you have.

Love one and all!

Katie Quinn 

Drama...Drama...Drama

So I have been sitting here watching TV looking back at what's been going on in my life and I feel frustrated. I feel like I need re evaluate my life and who I have in it. I sit here and womder if I need to  see who is in my life and if certain people in my life should be in it? Do you ever feel the same need?

I have been thinking about the certain people I have kept in my life, and whether the are a good fir for me and the state of mind I am in. I would like to get rid of negativity in my life whether it means cutting people out of my life that may feel that they are helping me, but are hurting me. Tonight, I was thinking of being someone I am not, so that something I would like, but isn't good for me in my life.

I went through my Facebook and got rid of a lot of people who I feel just wants to be "friends" with me just for the reason to see what's going on in my life and that's that. I think the word "face-stalking" is a little harsh, but then I think we'll what I do in my life is really none of their business. I deleted people who I noticed I really wasn't friends with, but tend to look at that person on a daily or weekly basis, whenI really don't have a relationship in my life with them.

People can think what they think of me in their life. I really don't care at this point, I need to be me. I don't want to destroy relationships I have, but also I have to keep true to myself and make myself a better person this year. I made a lot of mistakes in my life. ALOT! I wish I could go to sleep one night, and all those bad memories go away. I have done some horrible things to people and ask for forgiveness and either I received it or I didn't.  I need to do a lot of forgiveness in my life, but giving forgiveness and than acting like things are okay, that's just not how I work.

I know with my mental situation, I can be all over the place. I think part of the reason I can't meditate is the fact that I only think of the wrong things in my life. I feel like writing on my mirror, "Today you have to be an Adult", and look at it everyday to remind myself, that I can't continue the childish things if you would like to call it that, and look at things in a new perspective. It's time for me to stand up and be the person I need to be at the age of 28 knowing I am turning 29.

The reason I am writing this on my blog, is I feel we can all relate to the mistakes we have made in the past and its a new new year. I am not good with making resolutions but choosing to be an Adult knowing that I will continue to make mistakes but have the awareness that I will make mistakes and make the decisions to choose what is right for ME not necessarily anyone else. I am hoping this will become a good point of view I can share with men and women the same, to live a happy and healthy life.

Thank you all for taking interest in me and my writing. I will continue to hopefully shed good light on how to overcome depression, share when I am feeling depressed, and how to improve a happy life style for the year of 2013. As always, I enjoy any comments or feedback you might have, because that can help me as the year progresses.

I love you all,

Katie Quinn

Why we aren't Happy?

I apologize for the early morning post if it didn't make much sense. as you can see I had a rough night sleep last night and I hate when that happens. Ugh so frustrating. I don't feel like I am manic but this is the second night in a week where I had horrible sleep. But like I said before, I am going to try to not take medications if I don't have to, so last night I did not take any of my Ambien, I just dealt with the restlessness.

Well we are almost at 1700 views to this blog and I feel so blessed considering I have only wrote about 20 post. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! Don't forget, this blog is just not on bipolar but mental illness as well including how to deal with depression so please share this with friends who may be stressed wth family situations, or even still in college. Like I have said, if there is a specific topic you would like me to blog about, please let me know,and if I have any information on it, I will write about it.

Funny thing I have noticed, is those of you who have commented on my blog are total strangers. Not close friends and family. I mean some have, just not alot. I wonder if they feel bad because they didn't know what I was going through, or mad at me for exposing myself for Katie the true person. I am not angry and like I said before I am not looking for praise. This is simply a blog that tells about my day to day struggles with a mental illness that has a stigma and is not usually talked about, so hear I am.

I'd love to hear some of e stories and thoughts that happen to you on a day to day basis. I struggle with my ups and down with depression and trying to focus on avoiding my triggers. Being alone is also a trigger for me, how about you? I find being alone makes me focus on myself and think of the negative things and try to change them to positive. When I am really down and angry, like you have seen in blogs before, I try to remind myself that I have a house in which I can lay my head. I have a comfortable bed I sleep in each night. I have food in my belly and clean water to drink, things in other nations don't have.

Do you realize that although the USA is known as one of the best places to live on earth due to our democracy and freesdoms, yet we only rank 11 in being the happiest nation?  I suggest you read this article:

USA the 11th happiest country in the world.

Or look up on Google, why is the USA not so happy. Is it because we are constantly running. 

Everything is at a fast pace. Do you  realize in Europe many countries give their employees over 

6 weeks of vacation  a year?! Some countries pay for their healthcare.

Anyway, it is a sad shame we rank so low, and maybe that's why people are unhappy. Right now our 

economy has gone to shit and people are praying to keep their job. Even if they hate it because

 they have family at home, with kids to feed. College is so expected,and I'd you have 

a child and god bless you if you have more than one child because the thought of paying for college

is scary. I know, I still have student loans to pay.

Anyways, I think part of a way to become happy into focus on the blessings we have. If you 

can count just on one hand true friends and family, not acquaintances, than I think your pretty lucky.

I hope everyone has a HAPPY day today and I look forward hearing your feedback lets go for 2000

Views!!!

Love One and All,

KatienQuinn

12:00AM, 2:00AM, 4:00AM, 5:30AM and now 8:00AM...

It's 8:00 Am on a Sunday and I am wide awake. Is this normal? For some yes, but for me know. Ughhh. I hate the nights when I can't get into a good sleep. I thought I'd quote something from the BiPolar Workbook about these situations, if you have ever felt this way.

Decreased need for sleep:

Ifnyoumhave this symptom, you will find yourself feeling rated even though you are sleeping less than usual at night.myou may have trouble getting to sleep, whit when youmfinallymdo,youmsleepmfewer hours than is normal for you. Or you might find yourselfmwkaingmup much earlier than usual and being wide awake and unablemtomgomback to sleep. If you usually get 7-8 hours of sleep,that amount might be reduced to 4 or 5 hours. Some people find they can't fall asleepmwhentheybare manic. What makes it a symptom of mania is that you have enough energy to make it through the day even though you are sleeping less. In this sense it's different  from he insomnia people experience when stressed or depressed. In those cases less sleep (like myself) feeling exhausted. In mania, sometimes people do not feel the need to sleep until they have gone several days without it.

Right now, I am not going through mania, but yet for the past couple days I just can't seem to sleep to entire night. It is extremely annoying and even as I write this, my eyes want to go back to sleep. So am I exhausted yes. Can I change that this second, no. I am going to try to lay down and hopefully will write more later. After some sleep.

Talk to you soon,

Katie Quinn

Sudden Depression..right now...

Hi all! I know I wrote a blog earlier, but I thought I would write about something I am going through right now, this very second. I am sure one can relate. Right now, I am suddenly laying in bed, suffering deep depression. It came on quite quickly, and I am lying here in bed, deciding to speak out about the sudden issue I am having. 

Although its a new year, meaning new beginnings, but I sit here realizing what I did to myself during the year of 2012. I know that most of the time, I sit here writing about issues with depression and what I should be doing about it, or realizing the past is in the past, but now I sit here focusing on what I did to my friends, my family, to me. I took percocets to make myself feel normal, not high just normal and I sit here thinking how it has destroyed my life. Right now, all I can think is, I wish I had a Percocet. I relapsed twice. Once I went on suboxone, which had horrible side effects to the point, of me selling them so I had the money to buy more perks.

I hurt my family from all the lies and sneaking out of the house to meet people. The amount of debt I accumulated that my mom had to help me out with. The second relapse I had, I gave my mom everything but my license. No debit card, no credit cards, nothing. Not only that but I gave her all my passwords to my cards so she could check to see I wasn't spending any money.

The withdrawal is horrible and it scares me to think well what if I get a kidney stone ( I get them frequently) and they have to give me pain killers and I become hooked on them. How do I feel normal again?? I am single, 28, lost a lot of friends due to the fact I came out about my bipolar because of the stigma that comes with it like I am some sort of crazy person. Right now I don't have a job, because I can't handle stress. I am really good at what I do, but I can't handle the stress of a boss yelling at you for no reason. 

My doctor wants me to go to NA meetings but I'm to embarrassed. I was brought up Catholic, graduated 8th grade with only 18 students in my class. Drugs and alcohol never filled my brain. Believe it or not, it wasn't bad in high school or even college, although I did start smoking cigarettes. I hate who I have become. Every time, I think I am making a right decision it gets thrown in my face. I'm tired of being lazy, tired of being  known as that "girl". I often wonder what words people would use to describe me. When I look in the mirror, I just see ugly. Disgusting. Worthless. Unwanted. The only reason, I didn't go through with my suicide attempt is because I knew it would break my mother's heart. That's it. No other reason than that or else I probably wouldn't be here. I would often think what would be the most painless way to go. Then I would ask myself am I going to go to hell? Would God not understand that the pain I have inside myself was so deep I just wanted it to end?  I am tired of having this fight with myself. I read articles, and if I do I try to share them with you. But My past haunts me and it's only January 5th and I am still having deep depressive thoughts.

I don't do we'll with actual therapy, I don't like hearing feedback from people who really don't know what I am feeling. So what do I do? I sit here and think, how could I be a mother and a good one at that? How do I take care of someone when there are days I can't put one foot in front of another or just want to sleep. My mother and I have different thoughts about my illness. I'll have a really good day and then she will be like " how can you be depressed". Some people over eat when their depressed. I don't eat at all. In fact the smell of food makes me sick. She constantly asks me if I am anorexic. Which I'm not. Se thinks forcing food down my throat is going to fix everything. It doesn't. And I HATE when she tells me I know how you feel. NO! NO YOU DON'T" 

I know this too will pass, but I sit here and think, what's going to happen next. How am I going to feel 10 min from now, to an hour from now, to a year from now. I am only being honest with you all right now, that deep depression does come on, even when you don't expect it. 

Right now I am just going to lie down and just try not to think of anything. I KNOW this will pass and I hope writing this to you all, will understand this is what is part of my illness. Deep depression, that comes on fast and furious. But I have good attributes to and soon I hope they come back to me. I just wanted to share with you a moment into one of my depressive moment and show it will get better, but these are thoughts I have from time to time that are for me.  Thanks for listening and sharing. You all are wonderful therapy.

Love One and All!

Katie Quinn

Meds and the need for Instant Gratification

Good afternoon everyone! Hope all is doing well. Well today I am excited to meet with My old English Teacher from high school and her baby girl. She is absolutely stunning and a feminist who shaped my life drastically. I tend to have very strong opinions in my life. I am an extreme activist for women's rights and due to my teacher, she has shaped me as if she were my own mother.

Last night I suffered from another panic attack. Because I slept in so late yesterday, I was panicking I wouldn't be able to fall asleep last night. I hate having panic attacks, but one of my biggest issues is that I depend too much on my medication, to get me to calm down, than try to calm down on my own. I always know if I have a Klonopin, I will be able to calm down, and reach for the bottle the minute I start feeling panicky. It's something I really need to work on.

I have to realize that I shouldn't reach for a pill the second I start to get upset or other. When I get sick with a cold and go to the doctor, I get frustrated that the medicine doesn't start working right away. I am guilty of always wanting instant gratification. The worst is, I have a hard time just being with myself. I took 2 years of yoga, and I loved the exercises, but still have a difficult meditating. I still have racing thoughts no matter how hard I try to relax.  Even a massage froma spa doesn't get me relaxed.

One of my goals this year is to be able to find my inner quiet self, and have the ability to calm my panic attacks without meds. Even my therapist  said she wants me to start weaning off some of them in the spring but we shall see. Every time something is wrong, I think take a pill. Take a pill, take a pill...ugh I hate I think like that. It's become routine, something I have to break. I never let my body cure itself and like I said if I don't get instant gratification, I get pissed. I get mad at myself, mad at the doctor, mad at the medicine.

My back often goes through spasms that I can't deal with. I have tried every freakin back relaxer under the sun and it doesn't seem to make a damn of a difference. It pisses me off. The only time it feels better is if I take a bath, however, you can't take a bath nine times a day, nor take one at 4 am. I've tried heating pads, and they just don't help. But they do go away, and I think I get so tense that I feel like it won't go away and makes it that much worse.

Anyways, for those of you on medication, I get it when it feels like its not working. It's not that instant gratification and it sucks, but try to relax and let the medication take its time. Also, relax when you take it. If your up and moving and doing things it won't help your body. It takes time. Also, try and not take medication every time you feel something wrong. That's a goal for me. Also, if you really feel medication isn't working, bring it to your doctor's attention. Many mental illness's it takes multiple times of switching meds and dosages and it can become frustrating. I know, it's been this way for 7 years and I am still switching meds.

Anyway my goal is to work through these issues instead of relying constantly on instant gratification. I know it's hard believe me it's worth it.

Please contact me if you would like me to write about a specific topic. If I have gone through it or know about it, I will write about it. I appreciate all the kind feedback you have given me and look forward to hearing from you. Again, feel free to share this with anyone who may be suffering from mental issues. Depression is something we all have gone through and I know, I go through it on a daily basis, and struggle to get passed it especially if I have nothing to hold my attention. When I get bored that's when the racing thoughts start.

Love One and All,

Katie Quinn

Coping with Panic

Good afternoon everyone. First of all I want to say how much I appreciate all of you checking my blog each day. It really makes me feel good.

Last night I got an e-mail saying I owe Walmart $84.00 for something stupid I did.  I dated a guy who asked me to open an account for him because of the discounts you get. He said he needed tires for his children and that his truck was unsafe for his kids. Little did I know he would NEVER pay up and to me is a deadbeat that I didn't realize at first. So I am stuck with this bill and I don't have the money to pay for it. For those of you who have read my blogs before, my car just cost me $1400.00 to fix. So I started to panic.

I have panic attacks on a daily basis. That's why I try to stay away from those triggers, like grocery stores during busy times and such. Anyway, I found one of my coping papers a therapist had given me and I thought I'd share it with you.some help me and hopefully some will help you. There is no author on this.

1. Remember that the feelings are nothing more than an exaggeration of the normal bodily reactions to stress.

2. Panic symptoms feel awful- but they are not harmful or dangerous. Nothing worse will happen.

3. Stop adding to panic with frightening thoughts about what is happening and where it might lead.

4. Remember that you have felt these sensations before and that nothing worse happened then.

5. It's not unusual to feel strange or "not yourself" during panic attacks- this feeling will pass.

6. Wait and give fear  time to diminish. Try not to fight it or run away from it.

7. Notice that once you stop adding to it, the frightening thoughts, the fear gradually starts to fade by itself.

8. Remember the whole point is to learn how to cope with fear without avoiding it- so this is an opportunity to make progress.

I hope these suggestions help you. To me its hard during a panic attack to remind myself that things are going to be okay, because at at exact moment it isn't.

I have a great poem that one of my therapist gave me and I am going to look for it for you all to have. I suggest printing it out if possible. It is a great poem that many members of the people I had been working with asked to keep at their desk. Anyways, the point of this is that we are all going to have panic attacks and that its a natural feeling and although you may feel the world is crashing down on you it really isn't. This is something I am learning to cope with everyday.

We are at just about 1400 people that have checked out my post.  Please share this blog with anyone you feel needs some help. Not just with bipolar but also depression and such like that.  You all are wonderful and together, we are going to get through these illnesses one step at a time

Love to One and All

Katie Quinn

A New Day

Well good afternoon everyone. I apologize if I hurt anyone's feelings last night. Like I said before, I have waves of depression  and to me it can be debilitating. I woke up today at 10:30 and felt like I had cried myself to sleep, went back to bed and didn't wake up until 1:30. Crazy. This is something that happens quite frequently in my life. People ask me, how on earth can you sleep so late? I don't have any answer to that. I didn't go to bed late, infact I went to bed early, woke up, wrote my blog last night and went back to sleep.

Sometimes I think it's the medications, but then I think it's my body trying to get better. It't like my body senses there is something wrong and makes me sleep a lot, because its trying to get rid of the yuckies. All I can say is Thank God for COFFEE!

So New Years Resolutions: Do you happen to have anything in mind? I don't have set goals because I feel that some are impossible to accomplish. So I am making daily accomplishments. Can you believe, since I began writing this blog, which was about 2 weeks ago, over 1300 have read this. I find this amazing! I couldn't dream that people could take such interest in my life. I appreciate you all for reading it.

A goal I would like to do is start an online meeting space for people suffering of mental illness including bipolar, where we could meet online. I would love to start a chapter where people can meet but unfortunately, there aren't enough people to meet due to location. So I am looking to find an online meeting place where we could meet once a week, for a small fee for upkeep for online meetings, unless I can find one for free. We could talk about how our week has been because as you know, our feelings change day to day as you could see from what I wrote online last night.

I am not a doctor, nor do I pretend to be one. But I have been suffering this disease for over 7years and have so much information that I would love to share with you. So from this point on I am going to share documented information each day for at least a week to start. If I get positive feedback, I will continue to post more. I would absolutely look into what's called "The BiPolar Workbook". I am not saying that the whole book is helpful, but parts are, so I will add some of the parts from it on here.

I really hope that everyone is having a good day today. I really appreciate you all following me and the feedback I get. And please know, any private feedback you send to me is kept private. A lough, I am no longer private about my condition, yours will always be private to me.  Again, thanks to you all, I finally feel free to discuss my issues and its nice to know that someone can relate and I hope I help even just one person.

I know I said I may stop my blog due to employers looking at it and not being able to write this, but I have made the decision to continue to write because its good therapy for me and it looks like its helped others in return.

Thank you all and I hope all of you are happy and healthy.

Love to One and All,

Katie Quinn