Good Afternoon!
First and foremost, I want to thank all of my followers checking in with me each day. I appreciate all the support I continue to receive. I know while I was in rehab, I was going to try to keep this blog up and running. After 30 days in treatment, I realized the life I once thought I had, became something completely different. When I became addicted to Percocet, I realized that the Percocet wasn't the problem, the problem were the underlying reasons. I've realized, the 2 issues I need to work on the most are 1. Codependency and 2. Instant Gratification.
My codependency issues are probably the worst. I tend to latch on to people and then am heartbroken if I lose them. Being in treatment and having people walk in and out of my life was really hard. I'm still struggling with losing people one of which is my father in the mix. I no longer have a relationship with my father but I am okay with that. You see, I have learned that all you need to do is be happy with yourself and not based on what other people think of you. Leaving treatment has unfortunately put me in severe depression. Although, I am excited, I am clean, I have isolated myself from many of my sober friends because of the embarrassment I have. It's a struggle for me to make plans with old friends because I am constantly wondering what they are thinking about me. Like, "Oh, she's just a junkie" and that is not what defines me as a person. I was stupid and used drugs, to "fix" my depression. Now I am depressed and dealing with it without self medicating. Something that is not easy. My pink cloud of happiness of being clean is now a blue cloud of dealing with life's problems head on.
In recovery we learn we should not be in a relationship the 1st year your clean so you can focus on yourself and recovery. I'm lucky that I have many friends I met in rehab that are just like me and I can call them at anytime if I am sad or upset. I just need to learn to be happy with myself again. It's so frustrating because right now I can't forgive myself and I don't expect others to forgive myself especially considering I am struggling. I can only pray I time thigs will get easier.
The other issue I need to work on is instant gratification. I desperately depend on instant satisfaction. For instance, if I have a headache, I don't want to wait for the Advil or Tylenol to kick in, I just want to feel good right at that moment. It's the root of many of my problems. Starting to deal with life again is extremely frustrating especially since I just found out that the unemployment I was receiving is now getting cut off :(. I'm appealing it but I don't know if that will work.
Anyways, those are the issues I am dealing with. I really want my life to change for the good and I am happy that I have a great support system with the people I was in treatment with. Thank God for the NA program. I will try to update this more often. I love you all very much and thank you for your support.
Love,
Katie
Friday, April 12, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Disease with no cure....
Good Morning!
I hope you all are doing well. I am getting better day by day. Having the disease of addiction is rough. There is no pill you can take to cure it, or even stop the thoughts of wanting to use. You see the thing your addicted to are not the problem. It's the underlying reasons that are. What scares me is that, while I was in treatment, I felt safe. I didn't have any ought a of using. I was surrounded by people who wanted together clean. But then I left treatment, and now it's time to face life head on.
Some of the things I have learned since leaving treatment, it to follow the steps and foot meetings. The 12 step program is something I feel EVERYONE should follow. It is written in such a way, that if you have any problems you are struggling with, you can apply the 12 steps to your life. I suggest you google the steps and see for yourself.
There are many things you can do for your recovery to stay clean or help you with a problem you need to deal with. My first suggestion is to surround yourself with supportive, in my case, sober, and positive people. I am tired of apologizing for things I don't feel need an apology. You either have people who care about you or you don't. Again, I quote a counselor that I care about, "Bless them, Change me".
Another thing I am working on is structure and scheduling. I find it easier to live a happy life by keeping to a schedule. For instance, I refuse to sleep any later than having 8 hours of sleep and I try to be in bed by 11 at night. Also it's important to eat 3 full meals a day. I am struggling with this one. But I felt better after having a schedule of eating good food each day. It's also important to pray. Pray all day. If you aren't a religious person, that's fine. Just know ere is a power greater than yourself, that you can speak to to work on your problems.
Last of all, realize you are going to make mistakes know your not a saint. It's okay to fall down, it's getting back up that's the miracle. I have fallen many times, but with a positive attitude, you can do anything.
Well that's all I have for now. I wish everyone a happy day and thank you all for the support.
Sincerely,
Katie Quinn
I hope you all are doing well. I am getting better day by day. Having the disease of addiction is rough. There is no pill you can take to cure it, or even stop the thoughts of wanting to use. You see the thing your addicted to are not the problem. It's the underlying reasons that are. What scares me is that, while I was in treatment, I felt safe. I didn't have any ought a of using. I was surrounded by people who wanted together clean. But then I left treatment, and now it's time to face life head on.
Some of the things I have learned since leaving treatment, it to follow the steps and foot meetings. The 12 step program is something I feel EVERYONE should follow. It is written in such a way, that if you have any problems you are struggling with, you can apply the 12 steps to your life. I suggest you google the steps and see for yourself.
There are many things you can do for your recovery to stay clean or help you with a problem you need to deal with. My first suggestion is to surround yourself with supportive, in my case, sober, and positive people. I am tired of apologizing for things I don't feel need an apology. You either have people who care about you or you don't. Again, I quote a counselor that I care about, "Bless them, Change me".
Another thing I am working on is structure and scheduling. I find it easier to live a happy life by keeping to a schedule. For instance, I refuse to sleep any later than having 8 hours of sleep and I try to be in bed by 11 at night. Also it's important to eat 3 full meals a day. I am struggling with this one. But I felt better after having a schedule of eating good food each day. It's also important to pray. Pray all day. If you aren't a religious person, that's fine. Just know ere is a power greater than yourself, that you can speak to to work on your problems.
Last of all, realize you are going to make mistakes know your not a saint. It's okay to fall down, it's getting back up that's the miracle. I have fallen many times, but with a positive attitude, you can do anything.
Well that's all I have for now. I wish everyone a happy day and thank you all for the support.
Sincerely,
Katie Quinn
Sunday, April 7, 2013
The hardest thing you need to learn is how to forgive yourself ...
Good Morning,
Last night I was reading my blog and almost regretted admitting to my Percocet problem. I went to a speaker jam last night where they had NA and AA speakers. It was the first time going back to Malvern and to be sitting there as an alumni. Again, the place was packed and I was in AWE of the amount of young people sitting in those chairs. I am sure there were just as many when I was there, I just didn't notice it.
I am not proud of what happened to me. Dealing with depression became too difficult for me and I needed someone to ease the pain. Basically, I was stupid. However, that being said, being treatment taught me a new way of life. You see, the Percocet was not my problem. The problem was the underlying reasons, of why I felt I needed it.
I am not cured. There is no cure for addiction. I am in recovery. I am learning everyday to be patient, kind, non-judgemental, and to be humble. I am grateful for all I have in my life. The one thing I need to work on is forgiving myself. It still eats me up everyday. I have isolated myself from my old friends, petrified to see them. I am annoyed at what people are saying about me behind my back. I am struggling to get the trust back from my family. But I know it will come. I have a HUGE support system through the people who went through treatment with me. I'm litterally talking about 40 ppl that I am in touch with on a daily basis.
Soon things will get better. I am still depressed but I am learning how to deal with it day by day. I pray. I say my affirmations, I'm trying my best. I had an awesome counselor who taught me this saying of which I will have tattooed on my wrist soon enough: "Bless Them, Change Me". I say this 1,000,000,000 times a day.
Thank you for your continuous support. You all are so special to me and I thank you for not judging me and standing behind me.
Thank you.
Katie Q
Last night I was reading my blog and almost regretted admitting to my Percocet problem. I went to a speaker jam last night where they had NA and AA speakers. It was the first time going back to Malvern and to be sitting there as an alumni. Again, the place was packed and I was in AWE of the amount of young people sitting in those chairs. I am sure there were just as many when I was there, I just didn't notice it.
I am not proud of what happened to me. Dealing with depression became too difficult for me and I needed someone to ease the pain. Basically, I was stupid. However, that being said, being treatment taught me a new way of life. You see, the Percocet was not my problem. The problem was the underlying reasons, of why I felt I needed it.
I am not cured. There is no cure for addiction. I am in recovery. I am learning everyday to be patient, kind, non-judgemental, and to be humble. I am grateful for all I have in my life. The one thing I need to work on is forgiving myself. It still eats me up everyday. I have isolated myself from my old friends, petrified to see them. I am annoyed at what people are saying about me behind my back. I am struggling to get the trust back from my family. But I know it will come. I have a HUGE support system through the people who went through treatment with me. I'm litterally talking about 40 ppl that I am in touch with on a daily basis.
Soon things will get better. I am still depressed but I am learning how to deal with it day by day. I pray. I say my affirmations, I'm trying my best. I had an awesome counselor who taught me this saying of which I will have tattooed on my wrist soon enough: "Bless Them, Change Me". I say this 1,000,000,000 times a day.
Thank you for your continuous support. You all are so special to me and I thank you for not judging me and standing behind me.
Thank you.
Katie Q
Friday, April 5, 2013
Back with Faith and Hope...
Hi all! I know That it has been forever since I have updated this blog and I apologize for that. As you know I went into rehab back in February. The honest truth is I became addicted to percocets and it was time to get help. For those of you who wrote to me. Unfortunately, I must have had the wrong address because I didn't get them but feel free to send them to me now.
When I first went to rehab, I thought "damn, I don't belong here. Everyone here are junkies and I'm not them". Needless to say, I quickly learned, I am them. I may not have had legal issues or court ordered to be in rehab, but what I learned is that addiction isn't the problem, it's dealing with your past and present issues are the problem. I was lucky enough to have group therapy as well as 1-1. I Learned so much about myself and let me tell you, the people who were in treatment, looked just like you and I. Getting to know all these great people have kept me sober. The people who you think.ie, and can't be trusted are the people I now trust my life with. They are amazing. My support system is growing every day.
In rehab we work the 12 steps. I truly believe addiction or not, EVERY person should practice the 12 step program. Right now, I am at step three. It could take months or even years to get to the12th step and I am okay with that. Everyday,I say from a great counselor I had, " another day clean and sober, I am blessed". I want to share the first 3 steps I am working on, and I feel we all can relate this to our daily lives.
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless (fill in the blank of your problems in life) and that our lives have become in manageable. This is a hard step to understand. Think of a problem that you have a hard time fixing. Instead of having massive anxiety, notice that you are powerless about it and to let it go. I.E. Divorce. If your husband or wife files for divorce, the other partner should not blame the selves, but realize it is a situation that they are powerless over. It doesn't make you a bad person.
Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
How many of us live in a state of insanity. I am pretty sure most of you will agree at least one part of your life is insane. This step is that we believe there is so etching greater than ourselves out there. You do not have to be religious for this. In recovery we call this "Higher Power". Your higher power is someone or something you can look to to keep you from making bad decisions. It could be your God or it could be nature, an animal, Anything that will keep you from making a bad decision.
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God " as we understood him".
Again people mistake this for a religious God. Your higher power may be God but it is noted in text as God as we understand him to be, aka your higher power. Again, these steps are to keep your life from being insane and how to handle making life easier.
These steps are in order for a reason. It takes time to really understand the steps and where you are at with your problems. Most important is t you do not have to do this alone. It's really important to have a great support system. People you can call to let out frustrations.
I am excited to be back and I hope this helps. Any feedback would be great. Thank you for your continued support. Please Text me with any questions. Love you (215-272-7609)
When I first went to rehab, I thought "damn, I don't belong here. Everyone here are junkies and I'm not them". Needless to say, I quickly learned, I am them. I may not have had legal issues or court ordered to be in rehab, but what I learned is that addiction isn't the problem, it's dealing with your past and present issues are the problem. I was lucky enough to have group therapy as well as 1-1. I Learned so much about myself and let me tell you, the people who were in treatment, looked just like you and I. Getting to know all these great people have kept me sober. The people who you think.ie, and can't be trusted are the people I now trust my life with. They are amazing. My support system is growing every day.
In rehab we work the 12 steps. I truly believe addiction or not, EVERY person should practice the 12 step program. Right now, I am at step three. It could take months or even years to get to the12th step and I am okay with that. Everyday,I say from a great counselor I had, " another day clean and sober, I am blessed". I want to share the first 3 steps I am working on, and I feel we all can relate this to our daily lives.
Step 1. We admitted we were powerless (fill in the blank of your problems in life) and that our lives have become in manageable. This is a hard step to understand. Think of a problem that you have a hard time fixing. Instead of having massive anxiety, notice that you are powerless about it and to let it go. I.E. Divorce. If your husband or wife files for divorce, the other partner should not blame the selves, but realize it is a situation that they are powerless over. It doesn't make you a bad person.
Step 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
How many of us live in a state of insanity. I am pretty sure most of you will agree at least one part of your life is insane. This step is that we believe there is so etching greater than ourselves out there. You do not have to be religious for this. In recovery we call this "Higher Power". Your higher power is someone or something you can look to to keep you from making bad decisions. It could be your God or it could be nature, an animal, Anything that will keep you from making a bad decision.
Step 3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God " as we understood him".
Again people mistake this for a religious God. Your higher power may be God but it is noted in text as God as we understand him to be, aka your higher power. Again, these steps are to keep your life from being insane and how to handle making life easier.
These steps are in order for a reason. It takes time to really understand the steps and where you are at with your problems. Most important is t you do not have to do this alone. It's really important to have a great support system. People you can call to let out frustrations.
I am excited to be back and I hope this helps. Any feedback would be great. Thank you for your continued support. Please Text me with any questions. Love you (215-272-7609)
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