Merry New Years Eve.

Hi all! I am keeping today's blog quite short. I will write more tomorrow, but I have a very important question to ask you all, and need your complete honesty so I would appreciate it if you have me honest feedback.

It has been brought to my attention, that although this blog makes me happy and hopefully helps others, that employers can read my blog and make the decision of not hiring due to the fact I am open about my struggle with Bipolar. This blog means a lot to me but so is having an income.

Do you think I should end this blog? I won't if this even helps one person, but if you were in my shoes, someone who is looking for a new job, should I stop writing this? I can't tell you the joy it brings me by freeing myself of all the secrets, I have kept for so long. I'd be so sad to end this. But I do need to have income, and I don't want this blog ruining it for me.

Please on Facebook tell me your thoughts or ideas. I would really appreciate it. I want to know the God's honest truth.

I hope everyone has a safe New Years tonight, and like I said, I will write about my thoughts for the new year tomorrow. I just would really appreciate honest feedback.  Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.

Love One And All!

Katie Quinn
Katiequinn20@yahoo.com

What I do when I get frustrated...

Something I haven't addressed is another thing that I am in therapy for is, I am a cutter.When I get angry or frustrated or upset, I used to pick at my face, but I have taken pins and such to other parts of my body. You see, I don't have high self esteem. Today, I am still battling with the fact I feel ugly both on the inside and the outside. I don't take compliments  well. So in my head, as crazy as this sounds, I feel like if I have a scar on my face or what not, it justifies the fact that I am ugly.

I feel ugly on the inside based on decisions I have made in the past, even though I really am trying to change my future. Writing this blog helps me in so many ways because the feedback I get from people who are going through how I feel.  I have made so many stupid decisions in my life. I have hurt members of my family, lost many friends, and who knows how many friends I have lost doing this blog. I know some people think all she does is complain, and I realize I do, but I want people to understand why I am the way I am.

I truly believe being beautiful on the inside is more important than on the outside and I see a lot of ugliness on the inside. I see how I behaved in high school letting people take advantage of me,and I would spend hundreds of dollars spending money on buying my friends clothing, shoes, lunch dinner you name it I did it. It was like I felt I needed to pay for my friends, something I should not have done. But I wanted to be in a certain group and I hate confrontation so I am always saying yes or Saying I'm sorry day in and day out.

Because my parents were divorced, my father lived far away, and so I didn't really get to see how I should have been treated by men. I am not blaming him for my decisions, just think if my parents were still married maybe I would do things differently. I truly have had 2 great boyfriends in my life. The others to this day make me want to say "what the f*^? was I thinking". The true love of my life I lost twice, and will never talk to again, and I regret very much. He would have been the perfect husband. I have dated guys who were into drugs, or didn't have a job, and some that asked to "borrow" money that I will never see again. To this day I'm paying off other people's debt. What does that say about myself. It means I don't respect myself or my body and because of that, I have a wall of steel,bricks, cement you name it, which I don't know how any man will be able to crack.

I have hurt members of my family due to mistakes I have made in the past, some at I know still are angry at me. Family means everything to me, but there are members of my blood family that just don't care for me and the sad thing is, I am tired of constantly trying to fix them. I have come to the decision that I am who I am and if you don't like me so be it. There are many things I wish I could go back in time to fix, but the past is past and I don't know what more people want from me. So now I feel selfish, because right now,at this time in my life, I have decided to be selfish and to start caring about myself and how I can be a better person. I have a few select members of friends that I think of as my blood family instead. People who care for me inside and out. So again, I'm being selfish.

On the outside, I look at other women my age married and are beautiful. Here I'm 28 currently living at home. impressive huh? I look at all my friends and they are so beautiful. I feel like no make up in the world could make me look pretty. I buy bulkier clothing to hide my figure. 95% of the time you'll find me in sweatpants and yes I pick at my face constantly. I always think there is something wrong. I am not photogenic and get surprised when occasionally a picture comes out that I like. But again,the cutting the picking the squeezing the constant amounts of time I'm bleeding and almost causing infection. It's a horrible thing and with therapy I have gotten much better but again not cured as nothing with this disease is curable.mright now I have a huge gash on my left ear. There was nothing wrong in the beginning and then just started picking for the release. Plus like I said, it makes me feel the reason I am ugly on the outside is cause I cut or pick and then I feel better.

For 2013, I really want to focus on my self confidence and self esteem. People will say we'll read this book or watch this. I can't just sit and read. I can't even watch TV itself, I constantly have to be moving. I just need to focus on my needs of getting myself healthy and happy wi myself and then hopefully, the cutting and picking will stop. I have deleted anyone I was friends on Facebook or in my life that has brought negativity in e past. No more sucking up to people to make them like me or whatnot. I am who I am, and focusing on me myself and I. If you want to be a part of my world I welcome you with open arms, but don't bring negativity or drama with you. I don't need the exccess baggage.

That's all for now

Love To One And All

Katie Quinn

Trigger City

When diagnosed with bipolar, they tell you to try to stay away from triggers. My triggers are lines in shopping malls or the grocery store. I have no patience for people with stupidity. For instance, I went to Target to pick up my moms medication. It was crowded but I was just glad I could pay for the one thing I needed at the Pharmacy. So already I have no patience due to the fact of long line, crowds, people who won't move their cart, people who just decide to chat with a neighbor in the middle of an aisle, you get what I mean.

Anyway, I get to the Pharmacy and some woman was taking her good old time, my frustration is at a 10 and the has the audacity to ask if B12 pills come in smaller tablets because she doesn' like taking horse pills. Then turns around and apologizes. Now, I know I should have patience and perhaps this woman really needed help, but these are the triggers that kill me every time I go shopping. I like to get in and out. When I go shopping especially why I had no patience to begin with, I feel like I need to be sedated or a bottle of Xanax to get me to go places like this.

The lack of patience is one of the worst parts of my bipolar disorder. I get this anger inside of me like if nothing goes my way, than to me I just want to hit a punching bag. This doesn't happen all at often but when it does, it's a nightmare. I a pain in the ass to speak with. I sarcastic and if people piss me off I can be down right mean. Like the devil has come through...

I try to avoid these triggers but come on, I have to eat right? I can't avoid the grocery store forever. And I love target, I could live in target...that is if there are no people.  I don't have many triggers, but when stupidity happens...I just go off. I just want to be in my room, listening to music and not have to deal with people. Just leave me to my own escape.

What triggers do you have? I'm interested in what makes other people tick. Everyone has things that annoy them and not have a mental illness. Everyone has something that drives them crazy. I just happen to have a disease that makes it seem double the frustration.

I took 2 years of yoga in college, and then continued after. Problem is, I can't meditate. I always have racing thoughts. I love the exercises but I get frustrated that I can't get myself centered or calm. I mean 2 years of yoga you would think I would be able to calm myself down, but no. Just not for me.

I don't blame my bipolar for everything. I make stupid mistakes all the time just like everyone else. What I do blame my bipolar is my way of handling situations. I think that's a fair statement.  I'm still learning my triggers and will continue to work on handling them or avoiding them all together.

Well tomorrow is New Years Eve. I wish everyone the best year ever.  I look forward to get myself healthy and happy again. As always, love to hear your feedback.

Love One And All,

Katie Quinn

No...Snow

Good Morning Everyone! I hope all is doing well. Yesterday was difficult for me. I had gotten money for Christmas, planning to pay off my credit card and such, and I get a call that my car was going to cost 1200+. I am so angry. I was shopping with a friend and just started to cry. Then the OCD kicked in, and I couldn't wrap my head around it. I just kept crying going store to store. I was with a really great friend and there were these boots I had planned on buying with my Christmas money and now I couldn't buy it, so my friend surprised me and bought them for me. What an angel,

I got into a bad fight with my mom as well. She is all I have. She is my rock, my lifeline. She has been through the worst with me and despite my faults she forgives me and continues to love me.  I think she disapproves of this blog. She thinks I am putting too much out there, but if I didn't who would. Obviously I am not perfect, never pretended to me. When I make stupid decisions, I don't blame it on the bipolar. I know consciously I make stupid Deion's that has nothing to do with my bipolar. And I hate fighting.

She mentioned to me that one of her friends have read my blog and told me they said that they would be there to talk if she wanted. I think this is good and bad. It's good that my mom has a support system to go to with the issues going on in my life, but I think she is embarrassed that the world now knows I have bipolar and that I suffered from a substance abuse problem. I think she wanted me to keep it quiet.

I did keep it quiet. For 7 years only my closest friends and family to know. But the reason I went public was that there are so many others that suffer what I do. I want to be an advocate for them. Mental illness isn't a joke and just cause its not a bleeding cut, doesn't mean a person doesn't have it.if you think it's easy to write everyday about my issues, it isn't. I am done hiding my issues. If you feel being friends with me due to my past is a problem, than get out. I don't need that negative energy in my life. I am tired of the fights it caused, the confusion, and people telling me I don't need to take medication, that this doesn't exist.

People do your research. Mental illness is a real thing and its a struggle everyday. I don't know if I would be alive if I didn't take the medication I have. So don't tell me I don't need it. I am not going to apologize for what I have. If I am depressed I go into my room and cry myself to sleep. I try not to bother people with my problems. That's what sucks keeping your illness in the closet, because you have to fight it yourself.

Also medication is no joke. I don't think people understand what you have to do with bipolar and medication.It's not like there is just one medication that you take. It's years of trial and tribulation of new meds and different dosages. My medication is constantly changing trying to find the right amount. Plus, the meds intake come with side effects some of which makes you so ill you don't want to take it. People think your stoned or on something illegal when it is just the medications side effects. What do people want me to do, put a sign on my back and say " Hi I am bipolar and else are the side effects of my meds". Ugh again so frustrating. I was thinking of writing a book about my life dealing with bi-polar. Maybe people would understand me better.but right now, that's what this blog is for. I only hope that this helps even one person, Than I am doing something right. If you can't handle my disease than I say to you politely to go F off. I am who I am and right now I am trying to be the best person I can be.

Like I said, my new medication is Effexor. If anyone can tell me their thoughts on it or if they're on it, I would appreciate it, as right now I am learning it every day.

I hope all is well. As always, feel free to contact me at anytime.

Love One and All,

Katie Quinn

Good Morning

Hi all! Sorry it's been awhile since I wrote. I went to my doctor yesterday for my depression I have had at night. I actually bought my best friend to me doctors appointment. He has been my rock since I have been diagnosed and he has been great. We used to date but now just really good friends. I encourage you to bring someone to the doctors with you that you can trust. It will really help you and help you if you need someone to talk to.

My new medication is called Effexor for my depression. I take 37.5 once daily for a week then take 2 daily. I am still on the clonidine which like I said has been a wonder for me. I take seroquel 400 at night. That has really helped but it does make you sleepy. I have been trying to get my sleep schedule back on track. Klonopin has been very helpful for my panic attacks. One of my triggers is the grocery store for some reason. I HATE going. However Klonopin is addictive and my doctor wants to wean me off in spring but we will see. I see my Psychologist every 2 weeks.

Christmas was crazy. Parts were really good, others were hard. We have a Christmas village about 45 min away from where I live, and I go every year even though its really for children. It makes me happy seeing the lights and the kids excited. My grandfather started going with me every year. He died in February, so it was hard looking at the village this year with out him. I have pictures that we took every year and this year there were no pictures. I miss him very much.

I still would love to start a bipolar chapter and mental illness in my area, but its difficult to do when most people hide the disease. I have had some people write me telling me they are happy I write this blog, but at the same time, I know it's hard to come out. For me it took 7 years for me to come clean. Ten I had to admit my substance abuse with percocets and that was hard too.

Again, I am sure some people think I am crazy, but this blog puts me at peace. I am just like anyone else. My issues just are different. I think we can all admit that we have some issues despite whether we go to the doctor or not. As always, I encourage everyone who reads this to contact me personally, to talk. My Facebook page is Katie Quinn. My current picture is me with a Santa hat with my hands on my chin if you can't find me. I know there is a lot of Katie Quinn's. My email is katiequinn20@yahoo.com. I can send you my phone number for you to text. I just want you to know I am there.

Love to One and All

Katie Quinn

And it's starting...

I don't know about anyone else, but when it rains outside, my body is killing me. Of course because of my substance abuse, my doctor can't put me anything on like a narcotic. I am dying. No one understands the psyical pain that goes along with this disease. My body never feels normal ever. You can put me on any medicication and it doesn't matter. Sometimes I feel like a hypochondriacs. It's like my my body just shuts down when I'm depressed.

I took my meds today but today was different. Maybe cause I am bored, but my body just turns into constant pain. And people wonder why I turned into a narcotic person. Because it made me happy. My doctor even said if  I wouldn't build up a tolerance, she would put me back on narcotics because I am happy on them,not high. I don't get it, doctors prescribe narcotics all the time, but then they get pissed when you become addicted to them. Suddenly, your a junkie. I don't get it. I pray to god research will show that narcotics help patients with bipolar. I truly believe it does something.

The thing is, I am not trying to get high. I just want the stress to go away. I want the daily pain to go away, and no one will do anything about it. They all think think I am just nuts. I'm tired of being sick and tired and I am sure you can all relate.

The Day after Christmas...

First of all, I wish you all had the best Christmas ever. I for one  had mixed reviews. Materialistically, I was blessed by Family and friends. We had wonderful meals, and right now I am writing this post on my new iPad. My stepmother and I worked out a lot of our issues. Which was great. But then I tried to help someone and I don't know how much good I did. I thought with the fact I suffer from a mental illness, that I would be able to help this person. However, it brought me down and bitter, something that really took me out of the Christmas Spirit.

I have realized befor you can help someone else you have to be able to help your self. It's really hard to do. I know I have a lot of work to do, and now I see how much more I really have. Right now this is a scary period. Now with the holidays over, I have to deal with the downtime-the depression the thing I dread the most. I have a type of OCD where I can't just sit still. I can't just sit and watch TV, I have to be doing something else. What else is there to do anymore? No more Christmas wrapping, or parties.Yes we have New Years and then it turns blah...,

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and I hope that I don't fall back into the deep depression I am used to.  If anything happens I will be sure to update you. For now, enjoy resting the day after Christmas. Take the time to regain your normalness and accept the fact that the excitement is soon to slow down. Love you all!!

Love to One and All!

Katie Quinn

Merry Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas Eve...

Happy Christmas Eve to all. I hope everyone is doing well. I woke up this morning with a bit of worry on how my Christmas Eve will go. I go to my dads every year and we have been going through some rough times recently. Yesterday, I had a time of depression. I started panicking a bit because I realized that soon the Christmas bustle will soon come to an end and soon everything will become normal again. Ughhhh. I hate to even think about it. I always get so sad when I am alone and doing nothing. Anyways, I am going to wait until the day after Christmas to think of that. Right now, its time to embrace the Christmas spirit of being good and happy to each other.

Love one and All

Katie

Two Days Before Christmas...

Two Days Before Christmas....

Hello all. I know during the Christmas season can be a real hard time for those with bipolar and mental illness. Some struggle with the fact that money is tight. Some struggle because they have issues with members of their families (Both of which I am trying to work through) I just want to say I am no expert when it comes to mental illness. I am not a doctor. I am just another person with day to day struggles. It's been difficult writing this blog recently. Since I have had my medicine switched, its been a miracle that I have been so happy lately. Perhaps I am in Manic mode. But I feel its a struggle to update my page when I know that there are unhappy people at this time. I don't want to rub it in people's faces, like I have overcome this disease.

I do have serious issues. I am consistently visiting my psychologist every 2 weeks.We talk and she is a really good listener. Anyway, I found an article about 7 Tips to Rescue Christmas from Bipolar Disorder and thought it would be a good post for today. I appreciate every one's words of appreciation and thoughts and people keeping me in their prayers, as I pray for all those with Mental disorders every night before going to bed. My depression always hits at night. But I also realize if I keep myself busy, it makes things easier. Anyways, this is my blog for the day and I hope you enjoy. As always, I am always available. Thanks all!

7 Tips to Rescue Christmas from BiPolar Disorder:

Christmas can be a nightmare for people with bipolar disorder. As the philosopher Posidonius observed in the fourth century, 'Melancholy occurs in autumn whereas mania in summer.' Here down under in Australia, Christmas is summer time, party time, spending time, hurry time, family time. This is a potent mix of triggers and seasonal vulnerability and many of us do fall over with mania. Friends and family don't always recognise Christmas mania, because symptoms such as excessive drinking, lavish spending, staying up late at functions, and being in a hurry are features of the season. The stress involved with 'having' to buy Christmas presents and 'having' to get together with family, along with summer-time vulnerability make Christmas a bipolar nightmare in the southern hemisphere.

It's not much better up north. Since the fourth century we haven't come much further than Posidonius except to declare there is such a thing as Seasonal Affective Disorder. It seems the number of hours of daylight you experience is related to your likelihood of getting depressed in winter. The closer you are to the poles, the better your chances.
Then there are seasonal triggers, such as figuring out how to buy presents on a tight budget. If you're depressed, the ubiquitous expectation to be happy (just because it's Christmas) only makes things worse.
Short of walking around with a sunlight-emitting lamp strapped to your forehead, or cutting up your credit card, what can you do about seasonal episodes of bipolar? Here are some quick tips to rescue Christmas.

1. Maintain your daily sleep/wake routine. Use medicine if you have to;

2. Keep in control of drinking. If you suddenly start a binge, it could be a major alert of an episode;

3. Make a Christmas shopping list and don't buy anything not on the list!

4. Ask your partner or friend to help you stick to a budget;

5. Keep up medication;

6. Check in with your doctor or mental health worker as soon as you or someone close notices symptoms;

7. Keep away from any 'toxic' family members (you know who they are).

No plan is fail safe, but then again, having no plan is like going out without an umbrella on a stormy day. You can live well with bipolar, and Christmas doesn't have to be a nightmare. Plan ahead and have a healthy, happy Christmas.

I hope this helps and if anyone needs to speak with me especially over the holidays. Please Facebook me and I will be there for you. I will send you my phone number and available to talk 24 7.

Love One and All,

 

Katie Quinn

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Good Morning Good Morning,

I hope all is doing well today. I for one was so tired last night that I fell asleep sitting up. Guess that's what happens when you can'' sleep the night before. I for one know its best for me if I fall asleep on a regular sleep schedule. It really helps. I have some awesome iPhone apps if anyone is interested in seeing how the well you sleep at night.

I found this quote to be interesting:

“I now know for certain that my mind and emotions, my fix on the real and my family's well-being, depend on just a few grams of salt. But treatment's the easy part. Without honesty, without a true family reckoning, that salt's next to worthless.”
― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

I always think about people as different snowflakes. Each one is made in it's own special way. Some are thick and fluffy, and other's touch your cheek and disappear. Believe it or not, but 5.6 million people have been diagnosed with some sort of Bi-Polar disorder and that's just the people who have been diagnosed and usually are diagnosed around the age of 25. But I think of Bipolar as a common name like fruit. For goodness sakes how many fruits are there? Some taste really sweet, some are really bitter. Some have seeds, some you have to cook before you can eat. Being Bi-Polar is different for each person just like any mental illness. Not all Bi Polar people act the same, in fact just like a fruit, we are all different inside.We each handle our disease or what medications work for us and us only. I happen to love oranges but have never been a fan of pears. Talk with your doctor to see what meds work for you. It may take several different trials, but none the less at some point you should find something that works for you.

Carrie Fisher wrote: “When I was 24, someone suggested to me that I was Bi-Polar, and I thought that was ridiculous.I just thought he was trying to get out of treating me. But what he was also responding to the chaotic nature of my life”.

I thought this would be an appropriate time to name just SOME of the more famous people who were to believe they had bi-polar or currently have it themselves:

Kurt Cobain, Rosemary Clooney, DMX, Robert Downey Jr., Patty Duke, Macy Gray, Mel Gibson, Linda Hamilton, Ernest Hemmingway, Jessee Jackson Jr., Demi Lovato, Sir Isaac Newton (schizophrenia), Cheri Oteri (SNL), Axl Rose, Edgar Allen Poe, Frank Sinatra, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Scott Weilend (STP), Amy Whinehouse, Catherine Zeta-Jones... and about a thousand more but these are more known names than some others...

So when your feeling sad and depressed and you don't know why or what is going on, think about all these people who are suffering from Bi-Polar disease. If you are having rapid mood swings, or you feel anxiety to a point where it interferes with your daily day, please seek out a Psychologist and therapist. NO one needs to know what your going for or why your there. But you need to do yourself a favor and realize that you can't handle this all on your own.

I know you can't because I have tried and it drove me to drink and do pain killers. Trust me, that's not the life you want to have. I still pray that although I am 28, I will find someone who accepts me as I am and have a child that I pray doesn't not have Bi-Polar. However, I know God will not hand me something that I can't handle myself.

Love to One and All,

I hope this helped,

Katie

Another Day of Flurries....Another Cold Day

Another Day of Flurries..

First I want to give a shout out to all that have been commenting on my blogs. I feel its such a success rate already just based on the comments you all have been posting.

I wanted to check in tonight, as we all know the Mayan Calendar said the world was ending today and praise the Lord it didn't. Not that I believed it would happen anyways. Like I have said before, Bi Polar disorder has many stages. Last night I didn't sleep a wink, so yes I am exhausted writing this.

I have no money this year to spend on gifts. Due to my foot injury at work, I had to leave on Workman's comp. And of course, 4 months after the incident, I still don't have a dime, because we are still working off a settlement. I also can not return to work, because the HR director LIED and said she did not see my injury. Why would I want to work for them now anyways? So I finally got the go ahead from my lawyer to file for unemployment. My company still has not sent me a letter of termination so I can't look for another job until then. It's a pain in the ass story and I am still waiting for it to be resolved.

So I am Broke. Broke to the point I am going to couch cushions to find change. My friends want to get together over the Christmas break, and I feel horrible because I can't join them. I hate this. I hate that I could only buy for my immediate family. And yet, others still continue to buy for me and again I ask why?

I am not a special person. In fact, during the time of my substance abuse, I was so depressed, I didn't want to look at medical bills, I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to go to bed. I was lazy. There I said it. LAZY. I became a person I didn't want to be. And those damn nights always killed me. It pissed me off that I hated myself so much, that I didn't believe in love from any other source. I felt I didn't deserve it.

I want to start my own chapter of health and wellness with mental disability clinic. Just a cozy place where you can come and talk and vent and if need be Scream. However, I can't afford a facility because my credit is so bad and I wouldn't want anyone to pay for being a part of that. Society needs to accept MENTAL ILLNESS DOES EXIST. You may not been diagnosed but many people go through it. This is a problem. This is why there are drug problems. This is why there are divorces. There are many reasons things happen and its because no one wants to admit that they have certain issues.

It's okay to come out and say something is wrong. It is nothing to be embarrassed about. I finally realized that just a few days ago and that's how this blog came about. I am accepting my disease and I want to learn as much as I can about it and hopefully help others along the way. It took me 7 years, but here I am, pouring my heart out to strangers and old acquaintances. If I can just help one person that's all I care about. Please feel free to contact me at katiequinn20@yahoo.com to talk. I have no problem giving my number out. I know some people feel alone especially at Christmas, but I am here to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Thank you Love One and All

Katie

A Sleepness Night

A Sleepless Night.

Good Morning All. I hope everyone has gotten a good sleep. The last time I fell asleep was at 10:30AM last night and it's 5:27AM. Physically my body is saying to lay down and close my eyes, but mentally my body is saying “forget it, your up. I am not stopping those racing thoughts" tonight. I am not depressed at the moment, nor was I 6 hours ago, but being restless SUCKS.

Today I was blessed on catching up with my best friend and helping her wrap presents for her fiance and to be step daughter. Then a handome man who has spoiled me with support, flowers, friendship and kindess came home from Ohio to spend Christmas with my 2^nd family.

As I got to my girlfriends house ( the handsome man is her husbands brother) She shows me the gifts that the family had gotten me, small and thoughtful. Although I said I want nothing, she said she couldn't disclude me from their family tradition of the “7 days of Christmas”. The gesture was so sweet but the guilt came in. Money has become difficult for me because of my situation. It doesn't matter the situation but I really only had money to spend on my immediate family and no more. Otherwise, I wouldn't eat, have gas, have a phone to speak on and so on.

I explain that I feel uncomfortable, but they know my situation and still wanted me to feel included and loved. It isn't about the gifts whatsoever. How can a person not feel good knowing that a famuily other than your own, cares and loves you. One of best guy friends parent act the same way with me. They invite me to dinner and since I love baseball and football, I usually wind up sitting on their couch with his dad and dog Lucy for whatever the big game is.

But again the guilt. I want people to know I am grateful for having them in my life and that I really don't need anything for Christmas. Please save the money and donate it to a church or so... But Oh how I want to give back. My favorite thing about Christmas is the giving even if it is small. I just like to see the smile or the excitement or the look of terror and eyes looking at me with “Please tell me you saved the receipt”.

My family is not a traditional family, my parent's are divorced and don't get along. I don't get along with my step-mother and I don't know why. I always try to make things right,but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. My family is like an assortmant of flowers from a garden: Both women and men. A: At the work place since I was 16. B: High School and College Friends. C: People who raised me even if they didn't have me and I call “Mom”. You may have a dysfunctional blood family, but you can choose your own family as well and yes they are family.

I had a fight over something silly tonight and got all worked up. You know, telling myself Katie your being a pain in the ass, Katie you broke a promise, Katie your a waste of life. Yup those were my feelings a little while ago and maybe thats why I can't sleep. Anxiety has kicked in...again. I hate going to bed fighting because In the back of my mind is “what if something happens over night and I can't say am sorry”. Yuck. Tonight I left with the fight continuing.

I started the day overjoyed with the celebration of my friendship and now I am depressed because I got into an argument stupid one at that...See Bi Polar is kicking in. Or the OCD.... So now what? How do I go to sleep. Have you ever asked yourself that question? I constantly stare at the clock praying it will go backwords , which it won't and yes I know I need to be my cheery self again in a few hours, but you know what I can't promise that and thats okay. I know I said this blog is a positivity blog, but I would be lying to you and myself if I said I felt okay. Did I cry yes. Did I feel like a 5 year old, yep. Oh and it's pouring outside for the billion time. So you know what? I am going to allow myself to be depressed and then see how the day falls through. I just need to keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better or at least different.

Medication can only do so much, but you need to push yourself as well. Just because you have a GREAT day (manic) and then Depression sets in (depressive) it doesn't mean your crazy. Were all crazy amd have days like this. I just accept that mine hits a little harder than most

Have a great day today and think positivity!!

Love one and all!

Katie

Christmas is all around us....

It's Morning Again....

I can't help but feel sad for people who are depressed at Christmas. That was me last year, the year before, oh and the year before that. It probably would have happened again this year, however, just within this past month, I feel as though I finally have a medication that works for me. Again, 7 years of having it, and just having this past month working out for me is pretty much a miracle.

A couple years ago my friend introduced me to pain pills, at first to use recreational. Before I go any further, my parent's enrolled me in Catholic Primary school where I had a graduate class of 18. That's it. Alcohol never touched my tongue, those so called “drugs” people took were foreign to me and God forbid you even used the word “sex” at anytime, in fact it wasn't until I went to a public high school that I knew what that was. Yup! I was as secluded as a penguin in a rain forest.

So I tried the pill and I felt FANTASTIC. I had only done it once or twice, but it was always in the back of my head, how good those pills made me feel. Well within the past 2 years I was introduced to people who sold those pills in my area and quickly I became hooked. My mom kept asking me “ Are you on Xanax??” I would lie and say yes. Then she found my phone which I left at home and saw I was going out to buy something.... Yup! I was caught. She said your addicted to drugs. Me! No I am not! I don't do coke, I don't do heroin, I don't do crack or even smoke pot...to me Percocet was not a drug but a prescription. So off to the Psychologist where I had to own up to what I was doing. She suggested Suboxone. Great. Now I have to pay out of pocket for a doctor who didn't accept insurance, yet the first time I visited him, I felt great. Like I conquered the drug. Went home the next day comes and this time I feel MISERABLE. I am having side effects that wasn't even listed. And every expensive time I visited him, he would say “ Oh you need a higher dose” No dumb dumb. The more I take the worse I feel...

So I said screw that, took the suboxone and sold it to people like me trying to get off pills and used that money to go back and get more pills cause than I wouldn't feel sick. I hated lying to people and I tried to detox off myself and BOOM. Withdrawl of horrificness set in. Sooooo, off to the Psych. I go and I tell her I am back on pills and want off. She suggest a Methadone Clinic... I told her absolutely not. Just like I wouldn't go to bi-polar meetings, I wouldn't go to therapy sessions, and not to even think I'd go to a NA meeting. I was too embarrassed. I asked her to please just help me with the withdrawl symptoms and soon I had about 10 meds, costing me (with insurance) a good 150.00 and that was for 5 days.

She put me on .1mg of Clonidine. If you haven't heard about it, look into it. It is usually used for blood pressure, but it also is for opioid withdrawl, ADHD, and Anxiety. It became my miracle drug. I don't have the sweats, I have energy and for the first time looking forward to Christmas.

Ever here of the Winter Blues? Yup, Bi-Polar individuals suffer them the worst. You can't park your self on a beach or a lake. The thought of shoveling makes you want to rip your head off. Your stuck indoors with kids complaining. And your supposed to be in the Christmas Spirit? Right. I don't even listen to Christmas Music anymore, because I know at least with my Christmas will be pure misery. So trust me, to those who are dreading Christmas, I get it. I understand. Oh and all children should know that “Santa” does have a budget.

This year, I am not focusing on “Christmas”. I am focusing on getting together with friends,having a glass of wine, playing silly games like go fish or “Old Maid”. My Christmas has limited gifts. Were not doing stockings. We put some decorations up, but just because its my turn to host Christmas “Oh YAY”.

All I am saying, is that Christmas doesn't necessarily need to be traditional. If money is tight and you can't afford gifts, why not suggest to your children to make arts and crafts and send them to a school or a senior home. Instead of baking “homeade” cookies... Go to the store buy prepackaged, take them out of the box and put them on a plate and recycle that plastic away. Stop worrying about sending cards to people, Send a shout out on Facebook or a quick e-mail..there is always next year. Forget the Turkey and get some Chinese.

Don't get depressed about not fulfilling all of Christmas wishes. If your down on yourself, those around you will feel it and may bring them down. Instead, feel blessed you woke up this morning, that if you even have just 1 good friend its better than 20 acquaintances. Someone sent me a great quote saying: “I'd rather have 4 quarters than a 100 pennies”. Just count your blessings for what you have TODAY. Tomorrow will come and things may be different. You may feel different. But don't put yourself down about a day we call “Christmas”. Just think of how many people don't even celebrate it. Just have good cheer, joy, love and share with those you choose to.

For anyone interested on the medications I take and would like to discuss with their Dr. I will list them and tell you what it does for me.

.1mg Clonidine: Helps with ADHD, keeping my blood pressure at a stable level so I don't have panic attacks. I take it once in the morning and once at night.

.5mg Klonopin: For Anxiety. Once in the morning, Once in the Afternoon and 1MG at Night

400Mg Seroquel: For Bi Polar

I also have Ambien for days I can't sleep and Soma for when my back goes out.

These are the meds that help me and I would talk to your doctor if your interested in trying any of them out.

Also: For those of you on Facebook, please feel free to E-mail me if you want to talk. I'll send you my phone number and I am around 24/7 in case your in any crisis. Tomorrow I will be at my first Bi-Polar Meeting and I will be sure to tell you how that goes.

Love and Peace to All,

Katie

The Beginning...

My Name is Katie. I am 28 and a college graduate. I am a Senior Recruiter and Staffer. Sounds normal huh? I am also diagnosed with Bi-Polar 2 and OCD. Bi-Polar your saying to yourself? Wow, she must be a wack job? I bet she can't handle a job, a relationship, infact, she probably mooches off the government for disability. The answer is no. I am a fantastic recruiter, I have a boyfriend who treats me like a princess and no, I do not collect disability. I get up in the morning, have breakfast and my coffeee and off for the day.

Bi-Polar has a stigma that people are crazy. You can go on different medical sites and it tells you about being “manic” and then “depressive”. That we don't sleep at night, oh and we go on crazy shopping sprees.

Am I normal? No. But is anyone? My issues go much further than that. It's depression. It's an unforgivable, unimaginable, type of depression. Mine occurs at night. I visit my psychologist every two weeks to see how the meds are holding up. I am not talking about just some asprin. I am talking about meds, that make me feel dopey, and look stupid, and make people think I am “on something”. Do you know how many friends I have lost when they learn what I have as a disorder? They don't do research, they just can't understand how I am not like them. You hear all the time, true friends stick with you through even the hardest of times. I need more fingers to count how many people have left my life.

I am not saying its all their faults. I've gotten so drunk I don't know where I am, I tried pain killers, just to feel normal and have had to detox twice off of them so I won't have cravings. Oh and don't forget some of the benzo's my doctor prescribed that gave me to take in moderation that I have taken just a little “extra”.

Did I do this for the “high”? NO. I wanted to feel NORMAL. But again, who is normal. I have kept this a secret from friends and family for 7 years. Why would I want to tell them I have a condition, I know they will run away from. So I keep it up bottled up inside. After I heard about the shootings in Sandy Hook, learning how the killer had a mental illness I decided to come out with my disease with the hopes of helping others.

I will be posting this blog in the hopes that with my experiences, it may help others. I'll write on the days I am happy and the days I am sad. I hope that this will help in the sense that life goes on and you can be Bi-Polar and have a New Normal.