Valentine's Day and other misadventures...

I haven't heard from Katie just yet but it's early days. I really hope she's catching up on some sleep. I've started answering my phone though, just in case she tries to call. I should probably elaborate... I'm agoraphobic, which means I'm afraid to leave the house or talk to other humans, even by phone - you know, just the basics lol. Inspired by Katie's courageous move to check in for treatment however, I've begun answering the telephone! Sure I get nervous and lose my voice, but I'm doing it anyway. Very proud of myself.

Katie asked me to encourage everyone to write to her while she's in for treatment. I can tell you for sure that there's nothing much to do in those places between sessions with your doctor, except eat, sleep, and read. A nice newsy, encouraging letter would no doubt be a godsend for Katie.

Address:
Katie Quinn
940 West King Rd,
Malvern, PA 19355

Meanwhile, please do leave comments for Katie and I will faithfully pass them along. As you know Katie doesn't have internet access while she's away so all letters, comments, and messages will be gratefully received by Katie.

As for me...

I'm sad to say that Bipolar disorder caused the final breakdown of my marriage today. The beginning of the end was Valentine's day when I realised how much my husband was beginning to resent me. My poor husband (who incidentally has his own issues) has put up with me for just as long as possible and now finally he's had enough. I am 33yrs old and, as of Wednesday, living back at home with my parents. Originally our plan was to live separately until we could both get back on track, but as of this morning he's decided he can't handle it and is sick of all of the drama.

Fair enough really.

This got me thinking... Can a person with Bipolar disorder ever really enjoy a lasting, happy relationship? I've never actually heard of it happening. My uncle is still with his Bipolar wife after almost thirty years, but he looks about twenty years older than he really is. My aunt's illness has completely sapped him. Everything he used to be is gone - he doesn't seem to have a sense of humor anymore, he's stick thin, and has no life in his eyes. The poor guy!

So, can we enjoy fulfilling, lasting romantic relationships? Please join in the discussion by leaving a comment below. I really would love to know your thoughts on this.

Stay tuned, and wish me luck! :-)

Leaving to be therenat 4:00

Well I am sad to say, they may not have a bed for me tomorrow but absolutely Monday.  It's disheartening because I want the healing process begin as soon as possible. They said to call in the morning or they will call me later tonight. I will call first thing tomorrow morning, and they will tell me what's up. In the meantime, I am going to pack. I don't give a shit what I look like so I am only packing sweats. Period. Maybe I'll pack a pair of jeans...maybe.

I am allowed to have visitors for an hour once a week, but I am going to try with no visitors, I also have a phone card I can use, and if you would like me to call and check in, let me know. I am packing stationary myself to write to people. I really hope people write to me. I am going to put the information on the bottom of this. The more support, I support I have from people the better my recovery will go.

A I scared YES, am I nervous, YES, am I everything that anxiety as to offer, YES. I don't want to leave my bed. It sounds silly. I'm not allowed to bring any bedding whatsoever, not even my Eagles Pillow. So sad.

I got a MSG from an old friend that I am not friends with on Facebook or talk to and she sent me well wishes. I don't know how she found out unless she read my blogs.

One thing I want to point out that people have been asking me, is that this clinic is mostly for detox and drug addictions, which I have abused, but really the reason I am going is my bipolar, because that's what drives me to substance abuse. I don't know how people are going to react to me going through this, I may lose friends, maybe gain friends, but most of all I am doing this myself. This was my decision, and I am excited to get back and be with my friends.

At the end of this, I will be moving into my fathers place in Reading, PA. Until I get myself back together. Hopefully this will work out and I will be able to see my friends. He lives in the middle of nowhere but has like 5 acres 4 dogs to cuddle with and hopefully I can build a better relationship with him.

Well I am going to wrap this up for now, I have a lot of things to get done before I leave. I will post when I am leaving, and the Vanessa will update you with my blog. She's a wonderful woman, very computer savy and suffers from bipolar I.

Thanks for all your support, you can send letters and such to the address below.

Katie Quinn
940 West King Rd,
Malvern, PA 19355

Thank you everyone! Can't wait to be back in 30 days.

2:22 AM

Hey everyone! Due to the fact the weather was not bad. I have decided to go Sunday. I'm scared. I did a lot of reading on the place and it has mixed reviews, mixed reviews that I don't want to hear. 30 days away from family and friends is hard. Very hard. My sleep pattern has been insane, I can't sleep at all and I want to sleep.

Anyways, I'll write more tomorrow before I leave.  I hope all is well .

Sincerely,
Katie Quinn

Hi Everyone!

Vanessa here - introducing myself.

I feel very privileged that Katie has entrusted her blog to me for the next few weeks while she's away looking after herself.

Like Katie, I suffer from Bipolar disorder (type I, rapid cycling). I've also been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and a couple of other things... Let's just say I have my daily struggles, lol.

I'm super proud of Katie for making the decision to check in for intensive treatment. Good girl - doing what she needs to do to get to a healthier place.

While Katie is away I intend to make one or two posts a week, mainly to provide updates on Katie's behalf but also to share some of my own challenges and triumphs. One of the things I love about Katie's blog is how open and honest it is. I also love that Katie manages to keep her posts really positive. I hope to do the same.

I invite you to join the discussion by leaving comments. If you haven't already subscribed to Katie's blog, now is a good time to do so - that way you won't miss updates on Katie's progress.

Stay tuned!

V.

Meet Vanessa...

Hello all!

I have a very good friend, who is very good with blogs. She will be updating on my page occasionally. I will speak with her on the phone while in clinic and she may update on here. She will introduce herself on here later.

Due to the weather, I will not be goin until Monday. So you can still contact me.

Thanks for all your prayers and support and I will have a notebook to write as I go through this process and will update you when I get back.

Thank you

Katie Quinn

Very Important. Please read...

Hello all. I want you to know, I have decided to check myself into an inpatient BiPolar Rehab. I will be going Saturday, for 30 days. So this Blog will not be updated after tomorrow. However I will be writing a diary on my stay, and I will update it as soon as I get back. I can receive mail there. The address is 940 W. King Rd, Malvern Pa 19355. So please feel free to write. I am excited and scared, but looking forward to becoming a new me. I am excited to bring a lot of information home. I will miss seeing writing to you all but this is for the best of me.

Please write! Keep me in your prayers and wish me luck.

I will write more tomorrow.

Thank you all,

Katie Quinn

A scary day...

Hello all! Last night was very very emotional to me. Someone from my BiPolar blog contacted me and told me he was going home to commit suicide. I had to call 911, and talk to the police to see if they could find that person. I gave him any different choices, such as go to the local ER and explain the situation or call his psychologist, or call a friend. Luckily, he didn't commit suicide, but is upset that people aren't paying more attention to him. I don't know if he was serious when he wrote to me, or looking for attention but it scared the shit out of me.

I write this blog as repay for me as well as hoping it helps others, but its quite frustrating when someone writes to me that they want to commit suicide and there is nothing I can do to help. I appreciate people reaching out to me and I am very willing to help, but threatening suicide, especially when I can't do anything, puts extreme guilt on me. What if I didn't get there on time or what if its a cruel way of just getting attention.

It scared the hell out of me when this happened. I really want to help others. I am so frustrated. I have been on a depression stretch. I don't know if its the weather here or the job search being so difficult, or the fact that I came clean on my life, now I am in the position of gaining trust from people all over again. Apologies are nothing but words, but I really want to gain the trust of people I have left down.

Sometimes I just want to go away to a rehab for life skills to work on my bipolar and substance abuse in the past. I just want to disappear for like 3 months, get my life together and come back or not come back at all. Right now, I have to deal with outpatient services, and go from there. There are days I wish I didn't wake up, I know how that feels like. But I would never put that on someone's shoulders and that's why I work with my psychologist, therapists, and take my meds every day.

I hope all is well with you all and if you ever feel like you do t deserve to live call 911, go to the ER room, call your psychologist and figure it out from there. People do care about you and love you.

Love one and all,

Katie Quinn

Groundhogs Day...

Good Evening,

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I enjoyed watching the SuperBowl with friends who have been in my life since a child. Of course I took many pictures, but I didn't know when the next time I would see all my friends together again. I'm sure I was a pain in the ass. 2 of my good friends took me outside and confronted me about my issues and problems and offered to help, which was really sweet. At the time, I was somewhat angry, because I felt almost like an intervention was happening, when I have been dealing with my issues on my own for so long. It was sad to see a gap between friendships that were so strong, to friendships that barely existed. Although, I had a period of anger, I realized, by them confronting me and getting all their issues out, they were really trying to step up and be there for me, and if what they said were true, hopefully our relationships will grow stronger.

Being with all my friends from childhood again, felt like the movie "Groundhogs Day". In someways it felt like nothing had changed, it was as if I was young again spending time with all my buddies. They kept picking on me for taking so many pictures, but it was as if I didn't want to lose those memories.

After last night, I hope my friends really meant what they said and we can build our relationships again. I also am excited to continue to rebuild the relationships I had in high school, as well as new friends I have made along the way.

Not to be a downer, but I wanted to share this story I read in Huffington Post. It's about mental illness and people in prison, but it really makes you think. I hope you all continue to build new relationships and also rebuild old relationships in your past. It makes you feel really good when you feel loved.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/04/mental-illness-prisons-jails-inmates_n_2610062.html

Love to One and All!

Katie Quinn

Washing my hands clean...

Good Evening,

Sorry I was unable to write a blog last night. I didn't have the best night. I really have been depressed. I am dealing with a serious issue, that I wish I could discuss on here, but if that person ever read this blog, and I don't know if they have checked this so I am going to make up a surname. We will call her "Sue".

Sue loves me. She has been in the past been my rock, but things are changing. I don't know if its because I am getting older, but I feel like I am being treated like a child. I have made some serious mistakes in my life. I am not going to admit I was the most perfect child from 0-28. However, this person has a huge influence in my life, and I am getting more depressed about myself, about who I am as a person, whom I have become, and who I will turn out to be.

I am tired of carrying this rock on my back, of feeling like a nobody and wash my hands clean. It's time to take control of my life, and I need to figure my life out. I am so frustrated with myself. I can't sleep at night, I wake up feeling I have done something wrong everyday.

I am blessed to have good friends in my life. Especially those who have stuck by me through thick and thin. I have had a guardian angel step in my life and I am so blessed to have that person in my life.

I got this picture of of Facebook where it says " You can't always be nice, that's how people take advantage of you". I have tried to be nice and do anything and everything to help people and I feel like it blows up in my face. I feel like those that help me, I can't repay them enough.

To those who have taken advantage of me, I'm washing my hands clean. It's time to move on. It's time for me to repay the people who really care about me in my life. One of my best friends have decided to go another way in life, and that's fine. l will miss them but I wish them all the best.

So don't be afraid to wash your hands clean of those who take advantage of you. It's time to repay those who have been there for you. Focus on that.

Love one and All!!

Sincerely,

Katie Quinn