Something I haven't addressed is another thing that I am in therapy for is, I am a cutter.When I get angry or frustrated or upset, I used to pick at my face, but I have taken pins and such to other parts of my body. You see, I don't have high self esteem. Today, I am still battling with the fact I feel ugly both on the inside and the outside. I don't take compliments well. So in my head, as crazy as this sounds, I feel like if I have a scar on my face or what not, it justifies the fact that I am ugly.
I feel ugly on the inside based on decisions I have made in the past, even though I really am trying to change my future. Writing this blog helps me in so many ways because the feedback I get from people who are going through how I feel. I have made so many stupid decisions in my life. I have hurt members of my family, lost many friends, and who knows how many friends I have lost doing this blog. I know some people think all she does is complain, and I realize I do, but I want people to understand why I am the way I am.
I truly believe being beautiful on the inside is more important than on the outside and I see a lot of ugliness on the inside. I see how I behaved in high school letting people take advantage of me,and I would spend hundreds of dollars spending money on buying my friends clothing, shoes, lunch dinner you name it I did it. It was like I felt I needed to pay for my friends, something I should not have done. But I wanted to be in a certain group and I hate confrontation so I am always saying yes or Saying I'm sorry day in and day out.
Because my parents were divorced, my father lived far away, and so I didn't really get to see how I should have been treated by men. I am not blaming him for my decisions, just think if my parents were still married maybe I would do things differently. I truly have had 2 great boyfriends in my life. The others to this day make me want to say "what the f*^? was I thinking". The true love of my life I lost twice, and will never talk to again, and I regret very much. He would have been the perfect husband. I have dated guys who were into drugs, or didn't have a job, and some that asked to "borrow" money that I will never see again. To this day I'm paying off other people's debt. What does that say about myself. It means I don't respect myself or my body and because of that, I have a wall of steel,bricks, cement you name it, which I don't know how any man will be able to crack.
I have hurt members of my family due to mistakes I have made in the past, some at I know still are angry at me. Family means everything to me, but there are members of my blood family that just don't care for me and the sad thing is, I am tired of constantly trying to fix them. I have come to the decision that I am who I am and if you don't like me so be it. There are many things I wish I could go back in time to fix, but the past is past and I don't know what more people want from me. So now I feel selfish, because right now,at this time in my life, I have decided to be selfish and to start caring about myself and how I can be a better person. I have a few select members of friends that I think of as my blood family instead. People who care for me inside and out. So again, I'm being selfish.
On the outside, I look at other women my age married and are beautiful. Here I'm 28 currently living at home. impressive huh? I look at all my friends and they are so beautiful. I feel like no make up in the world could make me look pretty. I buy bulkier clothing to hide my figure. 95% of the time you'll find me in sweatpants and yes I pick at my face constantly. I always think there is something wrong. I am not photogenic and get surprised when occasionally a picture comes out that I like. But again,the cutting the picking the squeezing the constant amounts of time I'm bleeding and almost causing infection. It's a horrible thing and with therapy I have gotten much better but again not cured as nothing with this disease is curable.mright now I have a huge gash on my left ear. There was nothing wrong in the beginning and then just started picking for the release. Plus like I said, it makes me feel the reason I am ugly on the outside is cause I cut or pick and then I feel better.
For 2013, I really want to focus on my self confidence and self esteem. People will say we'll read this book or watch this. I can't just sit and read. I can't even watch TV itself, I constantly have to be moving. I just need to focus on my needs of getting myself healthy and happy wi myself and then hopefully, the cutting and picking will stop. I have deleted anyone I was friends on Facebook or in my life that has brought negativity in e past. No more sucking up to people to make them like me or whatnot. I am who I am, and focusing on me myself and I. If you want to be a part of my world I welcome you with open arms, but don't bring negativity or drama with you. I don't need the exccess baggage.
That's all for now
Love To One And All
Katie Quinn
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