No...Snow

Good Morning Everyone! I hope all is doing well. Yesterday was difficult for me. I had gotten money for Christmas, planning to pay off my credit card and such, and I get a call that my car was going to cost 1200+. I am so angry. I was shopping with a friend and just started to cry. Then the OCD kicked in, and I couldn't wrap my head around it. I just kept crying going store to store. I was with a really great friend and there were these boots I had planned on buying with my Christmas money and now I couldn't buy it, so my friend surprised me and bought them for me. What an angel,

I got into a bad fight with my mom as well. She is all I have. She is my rock, my lifeline. She has been through the worst with me and despite my faults she forgives me and continues to love me.  I think she disapproves of this blog. She thinks I am putting too much out there, but if I didn't who would. Obviously I am not perfect, never pretended to me. When I make stupid decisions, I don't blame it on the bipolar. I know consciously I make stupid Deion's that has nothing to do with my bipolar. And I hate fighting.

She mentioned to me that one of her friends have read my blog and told me they said that they would be there to talk if she wanted. I think this is good and bad. It's good that my mom has a support system to go to with the issues going on in my life, but I think she is embarrassed that the world now knows I have bipolar and that I suffered from a substance abuse problem. I think she wanted me to keep it quiet.

I did keep it quiet. For 7 years only my closest friends and family to know. But the reason I went public was that there are so many others that suffer what I do. I want to be an advocate for them. Mental illness isn't a joke and just cause its not a bleeding cut, doesn't mean a person doesn't have it.if you think it's easy to write everyday about my issues, it isn't. I am done hiding my issues. If you feel being friends with me due to my past is a problem, than get out. I don't need that negative energy in my life. I am tired of the fights it caused, the confusion, and people telling me I don't need to take medication, that this doesn't exist.

People do your research. Mental illness is a real thing and its a struggle everyday. I don't know if I would be alive if I didn't take the medication I have. So don't tell me I don't need it. I am not going to apologize for what I have. If I am depressed I go into my room and cry myself to sleep. I try not to bother people with my problems. That's what sucks keeping your illness in the closet, because you have to fight it yourself.

Also medication is no joke. I don't think people understand what you have to do with bipolar and medication.It's not like there is just one medication that you take. It's years of trial and tribulation of new meds and different dosages. My medication is constantly changing trying to find the right amount. Plus, the meds intake come with side effects some of which makes you so ill you don't want to take it. People think your stoned or on something illegal when it is just the medications side effects. What do people want me to do, put a sign on my back and say " Hi I am bipolar and else are the side effects of my meds". Ugh again so frustrating. I was thinking of writing a book about my life dealing with bi-polar. Maybe people would understand me better.but right now, that's what this blog is for. I only hope that this helps even one person, Than I am doing something right. If you can't handle my disease than I say to you politely to go F off. I am who I am and right now I am trying to be the best person I can be.

Like I said, my new medication is Effexor. If anyone can tell me their thoughts on it or if they're on it, I would appreciate it, as right now I am learning it every day.

I hope all is well. As always, feel free to contact me at anytime.

Love One and All,

Katie Quinn