Good Afternoon!
First and foremost, I want to thank all of my followers checking in with me each day. I appreciate all the support I continue to receive. I know while I was in rehab, I was going to try to keep this blog up and running. After 30 days in treatment, I realized the life I once thought I had, became something completely different. When I became addicted to Percocet, I realized that the Percocet wasn't the problem, the problem were the underlying reasons. I've realized, the 2 issues I need to work on the most are 1. Codependency and 2. Instant Gratification.
My codependency issues are probably the worst. I tend to latch on to people and then am heartbroken if I lose them. Being in treatment and having people walk in and out of my life was really hard. I'm still struggling with losing people one of which is my father in the mix. I no longer have a relationship with my father but I am okay with that. You see, I have learned that all you need to do is be happy with yourself and not based on what other people think of you. Leaving treatment has unfortunately put me in severe depression. Although, I am excited, I am clean, I have isolated myself from many of my sober friends because of the embarrassment I have. It's a struggle for me to make plans with old friends because I am constantly wondering what they are thinking about me. Like, "Oh, she's just a junkie" and that is not what defines me as a person. I was stupid and used drugs, to "fix" my depression. Now I am depressed and dealing with it without self medicating. Something that is not easy. My pink cloud of happiness of being clean is now a blue cloud of dealing with life's problems head on.
In recovery we learn we should not be in a relationship the 1st year your clean so you can focus on yourself and recovery. I'm lucky that I have many friends I met in rehab that are just like me and I can call them at anytime if I am sad or upset. I just need to learn to be happy with myself again. It's so frustrating because right now I can't forgive myself and I don't expect others to forgive myself especially considering I am struggling. I can only pray I time thigs will get easier.
The other issue I need to work on is instant gratification. I desperately depend on instant satisfaction. For instance, if I have a headache, I don't want to wait for the Advil or Tylenol to kick in, I just want to feel good right at that moment. It's the root of many of my problems. Starting to deal with life again is extremely frustrating especially since I just found out that the unemployment I was receiving is now getting cut off :(. I'm appealing it but I don't know if that will work.
Anyways, those are the issues I am dealing with. I really want my life to change for the good and I am happy that I have a great support system with the people I was in treatment with. Thank God for the NA program. I will try to update this more often. I love you all very much and thank you for your support.
Love,
Katie
No comments:
Post a Comment