Good afternoon everyone! Hope all is doing well. Well today I am excited to meet with My old English Teacher from high school and her baby girl. She is absolutely stunning and a feminist who shaped my life drastically. I tend to have very strong opinions in my life. I am an extreme activist for women's rights and due to my teacher, she has shaped me as if she were my own mother.
Last night I suffered from another panic attack. Because I slept in so late yesterday, I was panicking I wouldn't be able to fall asleep last night. I hate having panic attacks, but one of my biggest issues is that I depend too much on my medication, to get me to calm down, than try to calm down on my own. I always know if I have a Klonopin, I will be able to calm down, and reach for the bottle the minute I start feeling panicky. It's something I really need to work on.
I have to realize that I shouldn't reach for a pill the second I start to get upset or other. When I get sick with a cold and go to the doctor, I get frustrated that the medicine doesn't start working right away. I am guilty of always wanting instant gratification. The worst is, I have a hard time just being with myself. I took 2 years of yoga, and I loved the exercises, but still have a difficult meditating. I still have racing thoughts no matter how hard I try to relax. Even a massage froma spa doesn't get me relaxed.
One of my goals this year is to be able to find my inner quiet self, and have the ability to calm my panic attacks without meds. Even my therapist said she wants me to start weaning off some of them in the spring but we shall see. Every time something is wrong, I think take a pill. Take a pill, take a pill...ugh I hate I think like that. It's become routine, something I have to break. I never let my body cure itself and like I said if I don't get instant gratification, I get pissed. I get mad at myself, mad at the doctor, mad at the medicine.
My back often goes through spasms that I can't deal with. I have tried every freakin back relaxer under the sun and it doesn't seem to make a damn of a difference. It pisses me off. The only time it feels better is if I take a bath, however, you can't take a bath nine times a day, nor take one at 4 am. I've tried heating pads, and they just don't help. But they do go away, and I think I get so tense that I feel like it won't go away and makes it that much worse.
Anyways, for those of you on medication, I get it when it feels like its not working. It's not that instant gratification and it sucks, but try to relax and let the medication take its time. Also, relax when you take it. If your up and moving and doing things it won't help your body. It takes time. Also, try and not take medication every time you feel something wrong. That's a goal for me. Also, if you really feel medication isn't working, bring it to your doctor's attention. Many mental illness's it takes multiple times of switching meds and dosages and it can become frustrating. I know, it's been this way for 7 years and I am still switching meds.
Anyway my goal is to work through these issues instead of relying constantly on instant gratification. I know it's hard believe me it's worth it.
Please contact me if you would like me to write about a specific topic. If I have gone through it or know about it, I will write about it. I appreciate all the kind feedback you have given me and look forward to hearing from you. Again, feel free to share this with anyone who may be suffering from mental issues. Depression is something we all have gone through and I know, I go through it on a daily basis, and struggle to get passed it especially if I have nothing to hold my attention. When I get bored that's when the racing thoughts start.
Love One and All,
Katie Quinn
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