Tonight I decided to clean out my closet. Cleaning out the old with the new. I was trying to make room for new clothes I received for Christmas, now I am struggling looking at old pictures of old boyfriends, cards of happiness that now have ended, new chapters are begining in my life. These are new chapters that I am carving off as I go along.
People act like starting new chapters in life are easy, as if you can just throw the past away. I see old boyfriends, with new girlfriends, some of which I thought I was going to marry, that are now pregnant with their new girlfriends. People who I dated that have moved on so easily, it makes me sick. How come I look at the past and think the reasons they didn't work out are my mistakes? I feel every relationship that ended with me, was my fault. I did something wrong. I dated someone who got so drunk and was angry with me and when I chose to leave the house because of it, he swung at me and broke his finger on the door he hit. And I sit here thinking of the happier memories and say why did I leave? Someone who got so angry with me he almost hit me and I chose to leave because I dont believe in domestic abuse, but still I am upset with myself like what did I do to make him want to hit me.
I have built a wall up so strong it's made of steel, or brick, or cement whatever you want to call it. I recently been involved in a relationship, but I can't put myself out there. I don't know if I ever will. I am 28 years old and my biological clock is ticking. I eventually do want a child. But I have this disease, something that comes on quicker than a switch. How can I dare put a child involved in a situation like this?! But I was lucky to be with my best friend during her 3rd pregnancy. Her daughter was born c-section and I got the honor of staying at the hospital with her and her family during her hospital stay. I was up at 3 and 5AM with this baby hours old in my arms, cradling her back to sleep. Of course part of my maternal instinct was kicking in.
Bringing up my illness publicly was hard enough. Bringing it up with someone I could possibly marry in the future, twice as difficult. I want a strong hold of my problems so in case I do have a child, obviously my medications are going to have to change. I can't sleep till 1:00PM. I know that when or if I do get pregnant, my life will change, and I am hoping my body adjusts itself. Right now it's just so hard to wrap my head around.
Anyway, back to changing the old out with the new is a good first step. I have on my mirror now, "It's Time To Act Like An Adult". I am going to look at it everyday and hope that it helps to change my life. Maybe that cement wall I have will tumble down eventually. Until then, I am going to embrace, what life has to offer, especially the positivity. Thank you for your accepting me for who I am, and I appreciate your feedback. Of course it's night and my thoughts are toward the negative side. Again, I am going to work on the positivity just as I suggest you all do as well. Thanks again!
Love to One and All,
Katie Quinn
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