Although its a new year, meaning new beginnings, but I sit here realizing what I did to myself during the year of 2012. I know that most of the time, I sit here writing about issues with depression and what I should be doing about it, or realizing the past is in the past, but now I sit here focusing on what I did to my friends, my family, to me. I took percocets to make myself feel normal, not high just normal and I sit here thinking how it has destroyed my life. Right now, all I can think is, I wish I had a Percocet. I relapsed twice. Once I went on suboxone, which had horrible side effects to the point, of me selling them so I had the money to buy more perks.
I hurt my family from all the lies and sneaking out of the house to meet people. The amount of debt I accumulated that my mom had to help me out with. The second relapse I had, I gave my mom everything but my license. No debit card, no credit cards, nothing. Not only that but I gave her all my passwords to my cards so she could check to see I wasn't spending any money.
The withdrawal is horrible and it scares me to think well what if I get a kidney stone ( I get them frequently) and they have to give me pain killers and I become hooked on them. How do I feel normal again?? I am single, 28, lost a lot of friends due to the fact I came out about my bipolar because of the stigma that comes with it like I am some sort of crazy person. Right now I don't have a job, because I can't handle stress. I am really good at what I do, but I can't handle the stress of a boss yelling at you for no reason.
My doctor wants me to go to NA meetings but I'm to embarrassed. I was brought up Catholic, graduated 8th grade with only 18 students in my class. Drugs and alcohol never filled my brain. Believe it or not, it wasn't bad in high school or even college, although I did start smoking cigarettes. I hate who I have become. Every time, I think I am making a right decision it gets thrown in my face. I'm tired of being lazy, tired of being known as that "girl". I often wonder what words people would use to describe me. When I look in the mirror, I just see ugly. Disgusting. Worthless. Unwanted. The only reason, I didn't go through with my suicide attempt is because I knew it would break my mother's heart. That's it. No other reason than that or else I probably wouldn't be here. I would often think what would be the most painless way to go. Then I would ask myself am I going to go to hell? Would God not understand that the pain I have inside myself was so deep I just wanted it to end? I am tired of having this fight with myself. I read articles, and if I do I try to share them with you. But My past haunts me and it's only January 5th and I am still having deep depressive thoughts.
I don't do we'll with actual therapy, I don't like hearing feedback from people who really don't know what I am feeling. So what do I do? I sit here and think, how could I be a mother and a good one at that? How do I take care of someone when there are days I can't put one foot in front of another or just want to sleep. My mother and I have different thoughts about my illness. I'll have a really good day and then she will be like " how can you be depressed". Some people over eat when their depressed. I don't eat at all. In fact the smell of food makes me sick. She constantly asks me if I am anorexic. Which I'm not. Se thinks forcing food down my throat is going to fix everything. It doesn't. And I HATE when she tells me I know how you feel. NO! NO YOU DON'T"
I know this too will pass, but I sit here and think, what's going to happen next. How am I going to feel 10 min from now, to an hour from now, to a year from now. I am only being honest with you all right now, that deep depression does come on, even when you don't expect it.
Right now I am just going to lie down and just try not to think of anything. I KNOW this will pass and I hope writing this to you all, will understand this is what is part of my illness. Deep depression, that comes on fast and furious. But I have good attributes to and soon I hope they come back to me. I just wanted to share with you a moment into one of my depressive moment and show it will get better, but these are thoughts I have from time to time that are for me. Thanks for listening and sharing. You all are wonderful therapy.
Love One and All!
Katie Quinn
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