Good Evening Everyone,
I am so lucky to be writing this blog with a woman who shares in the pain I feel although hers is physical. I have written about her before, and I am keeping it private, but she is the most wonderful woman. She lives life in constant pain, and yet she get's up every morning and focuses on the life a head. She never looks back. Something I truly admire.
I feel extremely guilty when I complain about the mental pain I suffer. Last night, I cried to my mother, trying to explain the depression I am dealing with. She can't understand and I can't describe my feelings to the point of which she can. I feel guilty because I can't understand the pain she is going through.
Last night was particularly hard. I was thinking about the fact, I don't feel comfortable having children at least not at this point. There are days I don't want to get out of bed. There are days I just cry and cry and lay in bed. There are days I can't fall asleep because I don't want to wake up in the morning, scared feeling the depression is going to come back. How can I bring a child into this world feeling like this? I am 29, I am not getting any younger. I love children. I think they are the most precious miracle that God created. I also want to get married. What if that man wants children? I want children, but right now I can barely take care of myself at times. I WANT CHILDREN! I WANT THIS ILLNESS TO GO AWAY!!!DISAPPEAR. Why can't we find a cure for this? Or more important why does the government make it so much money to work on mental illness. People die everyday committing suicide, or kill other people because their not in the right frame of mind.
Mental Illness is no joke. I am going to Outpatient Therapy and the bills are just going to add up. I have been offered positions and then when we go to schedule the interview, suddenly the job is taken or there is a temporary freeze. I can't tell you how important this blog is to me. Yes I am glad it helps others, but its therapeutic to me. But it makes me wonder how many employers read this. Do they read this and think, "She is a crazy one, lets not hire her".
What people don't know is I am DAMN good at my job and proud of it. It makes me feel good that I help other people. I am a DAMN good employee and I am not just trying to pat myself on the back, but I hate that this stigma could possibly the demise of me not getting a job that I want or even deserve.
I don't want Bipolar disorder. I don't want to have the urges to take medications not prescribed to me. I want the old Katie back and I want her back now. I want a normal life and I want to stop dating losers. I always date people that have issues because I think I can help them and then they screw me over. I have a $500.00 bill that I bought tires for a friend who told me his kids were in danger,because his tires were so bad. He promised to pay me back, and now I am stuck with a bill and an incredibly high interest rate. With no job. Yup I am that girl and I hate myself for it. I don't want to be on unemployment, I want to be that girl that has a real life, and a good one at that.
I know there is no cure, but I will be damned to not allow it to ruin my life. That is why I am going to outpatient therapy services. I will go to the moon and back. And maybe, just maybe God will grant me an angel that will give me a good job, a man in my life that will understand my disease and for me to understand how to take care of it, possibly be able to be stable enough to have a child.
Thank you for continuing to read my blog and contacting me. As you know, someone reported me as spamming my information, so for 15 days I can't post my blog, so I please ask you to share this with as many people as possible, get the word out. I can't thank you all enough. I love you to death and appreciate your continuing support.
Love One and All,
Katie Quinn,
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