Guilt...

I guess it's only write this at 11:21PM at night. Ever since I wrote that blog about trust and lies, my body seems to be reliving every lie I have ever done and now I can't fall asleep. I feel like I need to go to confession or somehow go back in time and fix these things. I made so any stupid decisions in my life that I truly regret. Family and friends, things I've done to hurt myself.

I am a picker. You see I don't feel like I am a pretty person. I don't feel pretty inside. I don't feel anything inside. Sometimes I take pins to my face and cut through the skin just for relief. It doesn't even hurt when I do it. Yes my psychologist knows this and I have to admit I have been doing well for awhile.

See some days I write these blogs and I am in good moods and want everyone to share them with me. But this is my real bipolar. E hatred ness for myself on the inside and the outside. I spent THOUSANDS of dollars paying for other people's needs starting in high school to my Ex's 500.00 tires he had to have because the others weren't safe for his children. I paid for them and he promised to pay me back,  but not only did he not pay me back, his family abused me, and here I am broke. I always thought giving to other people, would bring good karma my way. I paid for a friend who drove his car into a ditch and needed for the tow truck, money I'll never see and on top of it he was drunk which I didn't know at the time.

I thought I could love myself by doing things for other people and didn't think about myself. Unfortunately, I find myself worthless in this world. I have made so many bad decisions in my life, I don't know why I was brought onto earth. Now it's 11:33 and I am no where closer to feeling any better or wanting to go to sleep.

Every time I clothes my eyes, I think of something wrong with myself. I choose to have scars on my body because it makes me feel like " we'll people just don't like me because of my scars". It's disturbing how many holes I have put in my face out of anger of myself. I feel sick to my stomach just writing this. I've turned into a person, I never wanted to be and although I can change the future, I can't change the past. And that makes me angry. I can't date someone right now because I don't love myself in fact, I am not sure I love myself at all.

So here I am the real Katie, the one who's depression comes out at night. I just got my meds changed to Seroquil XR which made me tired earlier, but now my conscious is keeping me awake of the things that I can't change. So I will end with this:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Sincerely,

Katie Quinn