New Years = Depression

Sorry. I promised to write yesterday but spent most of the day in bed. Why? New Years Day depression. I should have known it was going to happen but I thought this year might be different. No, I woke up New Years hungover and sad, I wish I didn't drink the night before, but I wanted to join in with all the fun, and instead I acted stupid, got into a fight with a friend, missed my Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin fun and woke up, not over with a hangover, but depressed. Depressed at 1400 of the 2000 I got for Christmas went to fixing my car, depressed that I felt no one understood me and the pain I am going through, and worse, just hung out with my best friend tonight and couldn't even smile.

I knew this would happen. I knew this happiness that I have been feeling, was going to go away. I even tried to prepare for it, by getting an anti depressant and it's done nothing. I go to bed thinking I am worth nothing. I have to find a job that's somewhat close to home because of the meltdowns I have. Stupid huh. I get myself so worked up and sad that I have to get hospitalized because I get colitis or I can't go to the bathroom and need a catheter. I love when they ask me what meds I am on, and I tell them and they hear what I am on and I know what they think. She's crazy.

I see all of these people who have such a worse life than me. Children with no parents, kids with no running water and I feel pity on me. I mean seriously? How on earth can I think my problems are so bad to handle when I see homeless people, victims of the hurricane that have no where to live, etc... I can count passed both hands of how many friends I have. How many people can say that?

How can I be a normal person and look for a job when I can't even get out of bed. I have no appetite, none of my clothes are beginning to fit and trust me losing weight was not my idea of a New Years resolution. I look myself in the the mirror and just say "I HATE YOU...YOUR WORTHLESS!  YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO GO THROUGH THESE MOOD SWINGS" I wish people could realize that being bipolar is a disease and that it's debilitating. It doesn't get better, I can't explain it. I look at how happy I was during the holiday season and now I just want to crawl in bed and never get up. I'm achy, my back constantly hurts. It's hard to put one foot in front of the other some days. And all I think about is "people think I'm crazy". And I want to scream from the top of my lungs NO I AM NOT...at least most of the time. Ad the I get the reminder...depression. This stupid thing I can't shake on my own. I want to feel normal. I really do.

I hope you all had a happy New Years. And I am sorry if this blog brings you down. But like I said before my blogs are not always going to be happy. I do have mood swings. For awhile it seemed like I was a happy person, but bipolar has its mood swings, and I promised to be honest with you all.  I hope this will show you, I do have my issues and right now, they are shining through. I want to apologize to any friends I have hurt in the past couple of days and any broken promises. But right now I have to focus on getting better, and not hurt people. That's my New Years Resolution. No matter how I am feeling, it shouldn't affectnfriends I have. I am sorry I haven't written this blog for a couple of days, and I am sorry but I need to focus on getting better.  I need to be better person, friend, and family member.

As always

Love Always,

Katie Quinn